I can't set foot outside!!!?

F*CK. I'm so pissed off. I haven't left the house in almost a year except to go to the hospital and the doctor. I'm not currently on meds because I oded on them, and I'm getting transerfered to another psych soon to hopefully get meds.

Trust me, I've been trying with all my might to go outside and try and be normal. I tried to go to the store last week and almost jumped into front of a car for no reason and was crying my eyes out, couldn't breath, and had to immediately go home. Events like this always make me suicidal when it's over.

I hallucinate all the time but when i go outside its worse...I have ideas, thoughts, whatever, that are weird about people and society and it makes me incapable of doing anything. To go an appointment I have been given an Ativan Lorazepam tablet to calm me down, and thats the only thing that works to keep me from freaking out for a few hours.

I went to my family doc the other day (discussing med files transfered) and I asked for a prescription of ativan so I could go to the shop, or a social worker or whatever. I told her I didn't intend to take them everyday, only when desperately needed.
She said no.

I was crying my eyes out afterwards...I Had taken my last one to get there, and now I have none. She gave me them occassionally so why can;t she give me a f*cking prescription so I can go out into the backyard or something like a normal person!!?!??!

I'm not addicted to these pills, I've only have maybe 7 or 8 over the past year to get outside...
I have an appointment for welfare help coming up and I won't be able to go because I don't have any ######6 pills...
I'll try to go of course, but never once has it ended well-going outside without taking those pills first...

The doc said she will only give me one to get to the hospital appt. coming up soon...

My condition seems to be getting worse and worse.
I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL AND GO OUTSIDE.
I can't F*Cking stand this.

hey lucitania i dont know what position youre in exactly now or what state you really are in, but i must be doin much better but maybe my advice can help.

i do feel weird sometimes - its just an itchy feeling when im driving, when im very close to any potentially messy incident, maybe im standing near traffic or some huuuge train - lets say "walking the tightrope" in some particular instance. my mind begins to wonder what would happen should i actually jump in front of the car, hit the people on the sidewalk, hit a car next to me... what if i stumbled and fell... these are bad thoughts, they skyrocket your adrenalin and feed dangerous thoughts.

i dont feel enough to act on these impulses but the scare is enough to make me tremble sometimes. so i put myself out of the situation as much as possible and try to find something else to think about.

you hav not gone out very often - it must be strange to go out for you even though for many it's a daily routine. it takes practice, and overcoming obstacles. try to find ways to guide yourself (lists of things to do or times you hav to be places - just moving down a list might giv u a sense of control). im gettin a lil psychologically theoretical here but maybe bringing something that reminds u of home could help as well. when im stressed i usually hav a song reflecting my current state repeating over and over in my head to help direct my actions.

tell us how the wellfare thing goes! good luck

-matt

wow that sucks, i am currently off meds and can live normally but for awhile there i had somone named suzy living in my head and i listenened to her, i guess what i'm trying to say is that i think it's all just in our heads and if you wnat to overcome it which i think is your only option now and you do, you can little by little i believe that you can do it, if i could move from being psychotic for days at a time to being completely normal you can feel the sunshine on your face again or run around in the rain without an umbrella whichever your fancy, just try it's only life and you're already living it by being alive right now, so all there is left for you to do is picture your horse and say this is how i'm gonna ride it, and saddle up, it may not be fun always, but it will have it's time when you know that you are in control and you are doing it, hope that bit of hippie nonsense helps, we all need a little love:)