Has anybody kept journals/diaries?

During my first psychotic episode, i was writing a lot of things down that i thought were significant. I cannot be sue what these writings were (pretty non-coherent by all acounts) but to me they were so beautiful and had such insight of my current condition. After the experience I'm sure I would have thought them as rubbish, but I was Interestingly not allowed to even see what I had written any time since (7 years). Just thought it could be an interesting step in the process to see what i really was thinking back then.
Anyway, if others have been in a similar situationor could give me a bit of advice it would be much appreciated,

I think keeping a journal throughout your psychotic episodes is a great idea. I've never heard another Schizophrenic give that idea before. It would be very helpful to give that to your therapist or doctor. It would really help them out. Question though: Why weren't you allowed to see them? Who was preventing you?

I tried to write during my manic episode but it turned into chicken scratch & just scribbly lines that honestly weren't even words... just lines...

I didn't do it with any intention of keeping my thoughts straight and prove it wasnt real, although it would work if you made it. I was actually recording a 'code' that i thought i had cracked, as well as other things. Since this was my first ever episode I tried to get a bit of it on paper, for whatever reason. Turned out that I got a bit obsessed with this 'code' and that was what I was writing down.
When I got committed they took it off me and I never saw it again. I'm sure they used it to help diagnose me. It really sucked for me because for a few hours, when there was nobody there I could trust that code was the most real thing in my life. To have that removed really destroyed me. I've tried to see it multiple times but the doctors won't let me see it; they've either destroyed it or decided it's not worth it.

Hi,

I also have a 'code'. I spent years figuring it out. I'm sure your code is different than mine tho. And I sorta think that it could be the illness that made me so obsessed over trying to figure it out. Mine is based on numbers and colors... seeing patterns when I go out for errands. I'll see the numbers on cars, on building, anywhere. I know the entire code so sometimes it feels like I am communicating with a higher reality.

It's scary cuz sometimes it really works and I get confused and a little fearful.

I think this is called hallucination by reference. Everything you see means something to you in your schizo. I'm willing to accept that it's part of my illness... but it still happens so who knows.

Anyways, welcome to the forums!

For me it was car number plates and registrations. At the time i was convinced (due to freaky hallucinations) that there were people out to get me and the only way to stop them was through deciphering the code that was car number plates. I was studying calculus before this particular break, so I might have been in a maths mode. Anyway, I was using what I'd learnt in class to interpret the figures in a way that justified them following me. When I first got found by family they let me keep it almost as a comfort blanket because I coudn't do much else. Then when doctors got involved they thought they should study it for an insight into my abnormal mind and henceforth my greatest mathematical triumph has been removed from me.

For me it was earthquakes and I used this site here>http://earthquake.usgs.gov/earthquakes/recenteqsww/Quakes/quakes_all.php

Each place would represent a person or happening in life where the latitude would represent emotional feelins gained lost and londitude would represent the gains/losses they would feel. I would follow it non-stop till eventually I became concerned. I tried to warn the media that an earthquake was going to happen in a place on the net I probably shouldn't have. The funny part about this is an earthquake did happen after about a month of printing up the different earthquakes that were happening and destroyed a lot of one of the main cities in my country. Nobody was killed in the quake but in an aftershock a few hundred died. It was all over the news non-stop and in some way I feel I had helped them through it by giving them warning. After this episode I carried on at another site to the continued annoyance of more people and not long after the Japan earthquake hit.

All in all I have learnt a lot about earthquakes and I think earthquake predictions can be a lot better. I consider that animals can predict an earthquake through ways unknown to man and in the same respect humans can also predict earthquakes. So in effect if large groups of people each with a little piece of the puzzle(they are just noticing the changes under their feet that at this stage we cannot film) all group together like on the net or in societies then there will be very subtle changes or even extremly radical changes in the ways they act as an earthquake approaches. I also believe that earthquakes change the way we think and act emotionally as a result of the earthquake happening so in effect we live under the power of the earth. I also studied the past 100 year history of earthquakes and found that the largest ~8+ usually happen over a period of 10 years(which we are currently nearing the end since Indonesia) where they set each other off and then there is not much large quakes for about 30 odd years as the convection currents start to work on moving the earth's crust from point a again. I have also looked into the effects that a full moon, moon at perigee, the sun, sunspots and planetary alignment has on earthquakes but found that a little over my head. Also the ionisphere which the Russians and English have some satelites planned for orbit in a few years to detect changes in the ionisphere that happen before and earthquake and also harp.

Most all of the 'journals' I wrote down has either been deleted by me or the owners as it seems to take on the form of spam.

Yeah, the doctors will use your journals to diagnose your illness. I forgot to mention that... My mom gave all my stuff to the doctors. I was brought into the doctor's office and asked what they meant. It was so embarrassing trying to explain to them what it was.

I had printed out a lot of source-code that programmed my "orb". I used to think I had an orb in my foot that could be programmed using mathematical algorithms. I still have an orb in my foot. It buzzes non-stop all the time. My doctor just said it was RLS (restless leg syndrome) But I still am not sure.

I like your earthquake story Rattatat. I heard somewhere that if a lot of people predict an event (like thousands) the numbers usually point to the correct answer. I heard of some magician that used hundreds of people to predict and win the lotto. Not sure if it's true but I know that we have many of the same senses as animals do... So predicting an earthquake could be possible.

A lot of weird crazy things that schizophrenics figure out have some extra-sensory perception to them. I'm not saying it always works.... or works most of the time... but I once predicted the numbers of my Mom's license plate for example. She went to the DMV to get her new license plate and she came home with the exact same numbers I predicted. I did it using my code. Messed up right? ehh... who knows these things...

Well schizophrenics are more sensitive in their perceptions so I don't see why that has to be a bad thing if used in the correct manner.

I was only wondering because my partner said something about my 'book' as i called it. And until then I had completely forgotton that it had even existed, despit it being my one piece of comfort through what was at that stage the worst experiecnce of my life. Damn memory.. anyways, I think I'm going to see if i can get it off the doctors (althought I'm sure they'll think it would trigger some psychosis) to see the exact contents of what I wrote. Hey, they might have even thrown it away by now so I'm not getting my hopes up.

Now that would be interesting...

I posted stuff on FB in the status updates, thinking that certain keywords, colors, numbers would score points in some game that revolved around me.

I deleted that account and all of those status updates, after I got some help I realized how crazy it all was.

Its sad the more I read these post in the forums, the more concerned and helpless I feel about the illness as many people on here that have it and appear to have dealt with it, with medication but still have some strange beliefs and are uncertain if they are true are not. I find this very disturbing and I worry about the long term road with this illness and what it will do to me.