my brain sucks, fix me :(

real quick backround, about 2 months and 2 weeks maybe ago i found a website with symptoms for schizophrenia...they matched me and i got real upset so my parents took me to a psychiatrist who just threw risperdol at me, which gave me headaches every day for 3 weeks, then she put me on zyprexa which made me so sleepy i could barely stay awake at school (quit 2 days later) and so i was "fine" i guess until about a 3-4 weeks ago i got really upset again and wanted to go on antidepressants but after the first session with a new psychologist he said i wasn't schizophrenic and after the second session said i had an anxiety problem...then last week (4th session) he said i might be schizophrenic after all and i feel like $#%^ about this (when i originaly found out for some reason it didn't get me THAT upset)...

so recently i've felt really bad, last night there was this party at my friends house, its the end of the year and we were burning all out papers and books (i didn't have any though) and my girlfriend (more on that later) was invited even though she really didn't know the girl and we was going to go.. so we were settting up what we were going to do before it, my friend was going to pick us up and we were going to hang out a little before it, but her mom wont let her drive with anybody so i asked if she wnated to just meet up at the girls house when the party started and i forgot what else i said but she got really really pissed or upset or something and was almost yelling at me and i had no idea what i did and i asked if she even wanted to go (a couple days before that she didn't want to) and she said "i guess not because i have nothing to burn and i wont know anybody there"...so i went and had a really bad time, my best friend (the one i hung out with before the party) just went off with a bunch of other people for most of the time, and im not exaggerating but almost every single person i sat down to talk with got up almost immediately and walked away, this girl came up and said "hi" and i said "hi" and she said "i'm bea" and i said "im andy" and i started to say something else and she walked away....i go inside where people are playing cards (we played earlier, but my friend didn't want to anymore which was the only time peope really talked to me) and there were 2 kids, im "ok" friends with them and they started slapping my arms real hard like 10 times and i just sat there (i didn't really feel it i guess) and then the one kid started making fun about how my girlfriend never wants to do anything with me (which really gets to me because its the truth)...anyways i had to leave and go outside because i started crying...

about my girlfriend...we've been together about 6 1/2 months, shes my first "real" girlfriend, she means everything to me but she really does not treat me that great...like tonight she came over and we watched Spanglish and a couple times i leaned over and kissed her cheek and she just acts like i dont exist, i got no reaction, i never do...let me mention that she has OCD and a larger-than-normal "bubble" (personal space) so she doesn't like standing near me, she doesn't like being touched, she doesn't like to touch, she almost never talks to me (but talks to everybody else) and never calls, or anything, i feel like i dont even exist, i dont know why she is still going out with me because she almost never wants to see me or talk to me or anything, its been over a week since we last hung out (last saturday) and this past school year i didn't play lacrosse (which i feel like $#%^ about) so i could hang out with her everyday, then soon after lacrosse starts, she says she thinks we spend too much time together and we start only seeing each other 2 or if i was lucky 3 times a week...everybody i've talked to about her (like 10) say i need to break up with her but i dont want to, i understand that she doesn't like doing certain things but she treats me like im not even "anything" to her....then now she goes and joins cheerleading, heres an extra shitload of stuff to worry about, guys looking at her, practice almost every day, games on weekends, so now she at least has an excuse to not do something with me instead of "i can't do anything because i...have to go to dinner with my parents" (because that takes up the entire evening) and on our 5-month day we were invited to a party (which she wasn't allowed to go to) and i told her that i wasn't going to go so we could do something and she just said "ok" and then the next day tells me her and her friend are goign to do something on that night, becaus ethey couldn't have done it on friday night (it was a saturday)..

i just always get the feeling like i dont mean anything to anybody, nobody can relate to me, nobody can understand me, so they just ignore me, even my girlfriend, the person who supposedly "loves" me, i hate that feeling where you're so "alone"...the reason i cried at the party was feeling of my girlfriend never wanting to be with me on top of being schizophrenic, there were couples at the party who went off to the side to just be alone, to talk to each other and hold each other, i can't even get mine to want to be with me...

this morning i had a pretty bad auditory hallucination...

i woke up and was laying there thinking and i heard someone (like they were standing to the left of my bed) say "what time is it?" (it almost sounded like the girl who threw the party's brother) and i looked to the left of the bed and i have a fan there (the psychologist told me i should get things to keep me cool when i sleep, its clamped to the bedpost) and i looked back and closed my eyes and...has anybody had the thing where a little sound gets amplified to that of a gunshot?...thats exactly what i heard, the noise of the fan becamse so loud i flinched

this past friday in my english class we were watching A Seperate Peace and i guess its about a schizophrenic because he has hallucinations or something (the honors class read the book, im in regular, but everybody watched the movie) and its almost the end of the school year so everybody was just talking instead of watching the movie, i was like the only person actually watching it and i heard, at least 5-10 times the kids in my class kept using the word "schizophrenia" in their sentences

idk, i just wish there was a way to get a new brain or fix me, i wish i could run away but that wouldn't fix my biggest problem, HOPEFULLY my psychologist will recommend me getting anti-depressants, i need something to fix me because i can't handle anything on my own, nobody around me supports me instead they just make things worse

I do understand what you mean about feeling alone. I don't think it's your fault about your girlfriend, she just doesn't like physical closeness, it sounds like. I don't have anyone and I feel like everybody hates me so much. I know it's not true though, I mean something to someone and so do you.

YES! I know what you mean about the really sensitive hearing. I've noticed that too when I'm lying in bed, things will get really loud. I've heard someone ask me a question too.

I want to get help and I know I should but I can't. No one would understand. I can't handle it on my own, either.

When I found out I might have schizophrenia (same way you did, because I had been feeling very out of place), I wasn't troubled. But for some reason afterwards I would try to convince myself that it could never ever happen to me, I don't know why.

I wish I could cry or feel guilty. I can get really close to crying. I know I'm supposed to feel guilty about certain things because other people do but I just can't. I pray for forgiveness because I know it's wrong.

and there were 2 kids, im "ok" friends with them and they started slapping my arms real hard like 10 times and i just sat there (i didn't really feel it i guess) and then the one kid started making fun about how my girlfriend never wants to do anything with me (which really gets to me because its the truth)...anyways i had to leave and go outside because i started crying...

I'm not sure if what you mean by she want do anything with you. I don't know if you mean sex, or just anything at all. But anyway. If it's sex, a lot of girls don't want to do that until they're married. And if you're just talking about anything (which I'm kind of thinking you are), then maybe she isn't the right girl for you. But if you want to stay with her, I understand that. Maybe you should tell her how you feel.

Sometimes I hear things much louder than they are. One time I was asleep, and I started hearing loud gun shots, and then I woke up and realized that my vent had come on, and that was it. I'm not schizophrenic though. But sometimes I also think someone asked me a question or something. I've even answered a few times, but in reality, no one is there. This happens a lot when I'm exhausted. I'll here a lot of familiar voices in my head, and sometimes I talk to them, and sometimes I just do it mentally. And then I get frustrated because I realize there was no one there.

If people are going to treat you like that, you shouldnt' go to these parties. It would be better for you to stay at home, then to go and feel miserable.

ZAPTISTA ( like that name ): I think you're being a little harsh.

ANDREW: I know how you feel about getting help. You can do it though. Remember this, we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. It's still easier said than done. I know you feel. That's why I haven't gotten help for my problems. I don't believe I have a mental illness though. I thought I did before, but I don't think so anymore.

PANCAKE: One more thing. *big hugs* And if you want to pm me, you can. I hope you get to feeling better very soon.

thank you everybody, i've started to feel better about it, i usually do, ill get all workedu p and then convince myself that its ok, even though i know its not...
im about to go to my girlfriends house in less than 10 minutes and im going to tell her that i would like her to read up on schizophrenia (i've asked her before and she never did, then the doctor told me i might not have it so she still hasn't, but now he says i might be) and explain the whole "touching" thing because it really bothers me, on the bus about an hour ago she wore shorts today (like 2nd time the entire school year) and i was touching her legs and telling her that i liked them because she said she didn't and i touched her stomach a few times and she said "no" and pushed my hand away and slapped me (not hard) and so i just faced front and ended up staring off somewhere and i noticed as i turned she was trying to hold my hand to touch it but i pulled away...i hate how she always gets angry at me because i feel a "need" to touch her, then she slaps me or hits me (not hard like BAM) and then i end up getting sad and then SHEs the one touching like its going to make me feel better...idk...

i dont think taking a pill will solve all my problems, i think it will just make me feel better over all...i guess i have really low self esteem and im working on that with somethings like working out but i always beat myself up when i screw up (im really clumsy) and when itry to do something with my girlfriend ill always end up being not-smooth and she of course has to laugh at it (at leats i try to do stuff) and i just think it will make me feel better, not about myself, but just...better, just a little will be great, i always feel like im nothing, worthless, alone, even though i know im not, thats how i always feel, and i hate it...

i sometimes wish there was just a way out of life without dying, do you know what i mean? just somehow change positions with someone or something just to get away from you

element: i didn't mean sexually, even though she is very (whatever yo uwant to call it about that), she used to joke about it and even had dreams involving me but i asked on the bus today and she said she hasn't even had dreams about (me i guess) stuff like that

about the party, i had no idea who was going except for a few and what we were really going to do until i got there...i just wish i stayed home with my girlfriend and maybe thigns would have been good, maybe not...

zapista: its ok i understand your just trying to give me the best possible advice...im learning everyday to deal with things, actually if this was the beginning of our relationship (first couple months) and she went to the point shes at now, then (it took her til 4-5 months) then i would be very..very sad, i've learned to deal with things better at least, maybe i can use this as something to strengthen myself..idk...

btw do any of you have AIM? you have been very helpful and talking with you at the same time would be nice...if you want my screename is IRPancake....

anyways im going to go to her house now..wish me luck

I understand that she wouldn't want ou to touch her legs and stomach. I can relate to her. I don't like to be touched too much. I like being hugged though. You never know why she's like that. She may have been sexually abused at some point in her life.

I don' thave instand messanger, but you can private message me.

I know that guys can be very touchy feely at times, and that it's hard sometimes for you to hold back from touching her and everything, but maybe you should just ask her what's okay and what's not.


Best wishes!!

element wrote:

and there were 2 kids, im "ok" friends with them and they started slapping my arms real hard like 10 times and i just sat there (i didn't really feel it i guess) and then the one kid started making fun about how my girlfriend never wants to do anything with me (which really gets to me because its the truth)...anyways i had to leave and go outside because i started crying...

I'm not sure if what you mean by she want do anything with you. I don't know if you mean sex, or just anything at all. But anyway. If it's sex, a lot of girls don't want to do that until they're married. And if you're just talking about anything (which I'm kind of thinking you are), then maybe she isn't the right girl for you. But if you want to stay with her, I understand that. Maybe you should tell her how you feel.

Sometimes I hear things much louder than they are. One time I was asleep, and I started hearing loud gun shots, and then I woke up and realized that my vent had come on, and that was it. I'm not schizophrenic though. But sometimes I also think someone asked me a question or something. I've even answered a few times, but in reality, no one is there. This happens a lot when I'm exhausted. I'll here a lot of familiar voices in my head, and sometimes I talk to them, and sometimes I just do it mentally. And then I get frustrated because I realize there was no one there.

If people are going to treat you like that, you shouldnt' go to these parties. It would be better for you to stay at home, then to go and feel miserable.

ZAPTISTA ( like that name ): I think you're being a little harsh.

ANDREW: I know how you feel about getting help. You can do it though. Remember this, we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. It's still easier said than done. I know you feel. That's why I haven't gotten help for my problems. I don't believe I have a mental illness though. I thought I did before, but I don't think so anymore.

PANCAKE: One more thing. *big hugs* And if you want to pm me, you can. I hope you get to feeling better very soon.

Thanks, element

I get voices like what you described, I guess I'm probably not schizophrenic then!

I thought that I shouldn't get help because it'd be ignoring Christ's help for me, like giving up on him, but now I realize that it's not that at all, that by me going online he's telling me to get help. I'm praying for courage. I think my problems may have subsided, ack, what am I saying? I'm still just as scared as I was before.

-Andrew

Hey Bud,

I get voices like what you described, I guess I'm probably not schizophrenic then!

Hey now. I wasn't saying that. You have some other symptoms that I don't have!! I'm not sure if your schizophrenic or not. But we both know that there's only one way that you can know for sure.

I've never been seen by a psychiatrist, so techincally I can't say that I don't have a mental illness. But lately I've been upset, so I just said that i didn't have one because I don't want to have one. I don't really know if I do or not. Later I'll be saying that I"m certain that I do, and then I'll say that there's no way that I do. I'm constantly contradicting myself.

I thought that I shouldn't get help because it'd be ignoring Christ's help for me, like giving up on him, but now I realize that it's not that at all, that by me going online he's telling me to get help. I'm praying for courage. I think my problems may have subsided, ack, what am I saying? I'm still just as scared as I was before.

If you found out that you had cancer, you wouldn't just ask God to help you but refuse treatment. And if you were in a car accident and crushed your rib cage (gah, I'm terrible. Heaven forbid that that happen to you), you wouldn't just ask God to help. These are very exagerated things here, but you get the point. I exagerate things to get my point across at times. I believe God loves you and wants to help you, but I believe that's why he's given you parents and that's why we have psychiatrists and such. Sometimes I think God uses people to help us (and medication) instead of just instantly healing us. But I know how you feel. Sometimes I think God doesn't want me to get help. And I start convincing myself that I"m okay and that he'd make me get help if I really needed it. I'm still praying for you. I'm praying that God will give you courage and strength to get through this. Andrew, if you could just talk to your parents, get that out of the way, I'll bet you the rest wouldn't be nearly as hard. I know how you feel though. The people on this forum keep getting me almost convinced to talk to my parents, and then I start thinking about it, get scared, and chicken out. I don't know why I just winked. It's true. I do chicken out. Maybe oen of these days I'll get help for my problems. IDK.

*hugs and best wishes*

hey element! i'm contradicting myself all the time like you are.

Now I have no qualms about seeing a psychiatrist, and neither should my parents. I think God used my friend to make me go online, and then people like you to encourage me. I know I need to talk to my parents, I just am trying to find the right moment to bring it up, because it's a lot to spring on them at once.

Thanks for praying for me and everything. I'm still praying for you, as well.

-Andrew