AWOL

Hi -

I accidentally posted a similar thread on the schizoid personality forum and someone suggested this forum... I have a friend who has gone AWOL. We have been regularly corresponding via email and on the phone for quite a long time. I am the only good friend he has kept in contact with lately (he had a fight and hasn't spoken to his other good friend for a few months). A few weeks ago he continued to send me emails, but didn't respond to mine unless I asked him to respond. So he did the first time, but then he continued not to respond and I let it go. During the last couple of phone calls he seemed uncomfortable. Everything seems to take a lot of effort for him right now; he's pretty lethargic and getting stoned a lot. And now he missed our regular phone call. It seemed like over the last few weeks he's been preoccupied with things, including a neighbor he's convinced is doing things to his property. I'm almost positive that the no contact has nothing to do with me or our friendship....

So I'm worried about him. I think he's having a bad episode. He has only had two before since we've been friends (that I know of) and they didn't last this long. But then we just had the holidays and a sad milestone happened for him around the holidays as well. I left a phone message and want to leave it at that for now.

If I don't hear from him in the next couple of weeks, I was thinking of reaching out to the friend he fought with. I don't know him myself, but since he knows our mutual friend a long time I thought he might be helpful in problem solving. Or I will be in the general vicinity of his house in a month. I'm thinking of showing up to check on him. What are your thoughts? I'm concerned and want him to know I care. For reasons I don't want to discuss, I'm pretty sure he is paranoid schizophrenic, but he doesn't know I know. Both options I would do with any friend, but not sure if my actions should be different based on his PS.

Please advise.

Hi, nocali! Do you suspect that he might get bad thoughts about your visit or anything like that? Maybe this friend he fought with would be able to tell you how your mutual friend would react. You want to be there for him, you're a kind person.

Thank you, Jasmin. I did talk to this ex-friend and it was quite illuminating. It seems that there was no fight between the two. My friend just stopped calling him and not responding. So the same thing as he has done to me.

The friend said that my friend was a hermit for a year or more, then came out of solitude about a year and a half ago and now must be going back to being a hermit again.

Maybe he's lost in his own thoughts and doesn't realize what he's done, but it's pretty cruel to just dump a friend without saying anything. I've been really good to him. And him to me. I don't get it. If he was faking, he should win an Oscar.

All I need to know is that he is okay and/or why he is no longer my friend. I'm not sure if I will visit him or not right now. I told him I would and feel like I need to honor my word, but I'm wondering if there is any point.

Just visit him once to make sure he's ok and maybe that will give you a chance to tell him how you feel too.

It feels like a gamble:

My showing up -
1)could push him away further by invading his privacy/space (since that may be why he stopped contact and would be further proof that I don't respect his boundaries)
2)could show him that someone cares about him - seems like he needs to have that in his life/craves it, yet doesn't know how to handle it
3) could help put closure to this friendship for me - I could move on from this friendship more easily
4) when he's needed time in solitude before, he has seemed grateful when I reached out to him again as if he wasn't sure how to reconnect (however, those periods were much shorter than this one)

What do you think, jasmin? Or others? I'm quite torn.

I think you have to see him, at least to give yourself some closure, if not to help him. You wouldn't be hurting him by showing up either.

Just so I can understand your viewpoint, Jasmin, do you have sz or are you a friend/loved one of someone with sz? I know everyone is unique, but this would help me.

Well, I have a friend with psychotic illness (who hears voices sometimes), and this person told me that having someone there with them helps. Your friend could be different, though, but you could try.

thanks, jasmin

You're welcome!