What do you do when you figure out the meaning of life?

I was diagnosed as OCD with scrupulosity issues about two years ago. I'm a master of self guilt and it paralyzes my ability to interact with others. I'm also the master of the bottomless moral quagmire.

I was raised Catholic, but I stopped going to church because I can't live up to my own morale code. Well, its more complicated than that, but its a start.

Recently I've been experiencing psychosis and delusion on top of it. My delusion is telling me that I'm the new messiah and I need to convince everyone that :


God created the universe in a dualistic manner. Reality, both physically and existentially are divided into two fundamental elements: light and dark.

In the physical realm, this is born out somewhat by quantum theory. All of the universe is fundamentally either "space/time" or "light"/ Biblically, this is born out in the scripture as what happened in the beginning... The very essence of the physical creation of the universe was the mechanical result of nothingess colliding with god's will. In that first eternal moment after the big bang, all was vacuum and light. Light literally became matter by the mechanical processes of gravity. Gravity is the ONLY force in the universe other than the will of god and the will of man. The rest of the universe is essentially light, molded into a physical form that we call matter.

God created the universe for a purpose that is only expressible as love. God's love for us and our love for god is the only purpose for existence. If individuals accept god's love and recognize their own relationships are all reflections of that love everything else... literally... will become irrelevant. Choosing to share love with god or withhold it is the only decision you will make, both on earth, and in heaven and every action you take reflects that.

The more people who recognize this truth, the more people will be able to join with god in love both during their life and after it.

Any person who does not dedicate themselves fully to making others aware of this ultimate responsibility to god is decreasing the number of souls available to share god's love.

The most fundamental truth of god's law is to love the neighbor as thyself and love god above all others.

In the end, there is only yes or no. Do you want love or not? Hell is knowing that you did not do everything you could to bring everyone you love with you into the eternal bliss of shared existence in heaven. Heaven is absolute rapture.

If you are not saving souls with your actions every day, you are allowing more souls to say no to joining with god and with yourself in eternal bliss. Failure to commit to that goal with every action is abandoning the fundamental purpose of existence and is denial of the very nature of god.

The delusion comes with a sense of ecstasy attached to it that is AMAZING and a sense of horror that is so profound I can't describe it. As long as I'm trying to convince people of the thesis I wrote above, I'm absolutely happy... but if I think about not telling people that, I get absolutely terrified of what the consequences are.

Unfortunately for my, thats EXACTLY what I would imagine being chosen as the messiah would feel like. It terrifies me and excites me at the same time.

The delusion is so powerful that I've been hospitalized for religious mania once already. I'm terrified that I'm losing my mind, but I'm more terrified that I'm not... I'm afraid that I may have figured out something fundamental about the nature of the universe and cracked my brain wide open to the almighty... and that I have to convince the world that now is the time of the apocolypse and if I convince EVERYONE I can, then we all get to experience total absolute bliss together for eternity....

And if I fail either god waits until someone else understands what I figured out or humans dies, not enough are saved, and I will spend eternity in hell.

Thats kind of the thing... see, the Bible and life together are a puzzle... and when you put ALL the pieces of the puzzle together, you get a picture of what god looks like... and I did it. I realized the answer one night and now I have the responsibility of trying to convince the rest of the world that what god really wants is for them to love each other and him and everything else is incidental.

Yeah.... so thats what makes my brain hurt at night.

You, my friend, are no longer an enemy of light. An enemy of the world, where the world holds numbers but lacks the true power of God. The two greatest commandments reveal much more than the words themselves. Prophets are sent to this world to share messages they are given, not to hold it for themselves. Crops are developed by sowing, but the seed only flourishes when it is sown in the proper soil. Each will reap what he sows, if nothing is sown then no crop can be harvested.

The axe is at the roots of every tree. If the tree does not bear good fruit, it will be chopped down to make room for a tree that will. Harvest time is coming near, the seals of the scroll of Truth have been broken. The four horsemen are among us, the remaining trumpets will be blown and the bowls of plague will be poured onto the earth. The kingdom is near, those who understand they are not here to serve their own will, not to serve man but God, will inherit the kingdom because Jesus absorbed the sins of the world to make way for all. You were not given an easy task, but you were entrusted to serve His will. He will give you the strength when you stumble. May His glory envelop you, let the light shine from your being.

Your point was well put and understood.I think in the first part you basically touched on the big bang theory,which doesnt mix with religion.I dont think that God is greedy for souls thats why he left man to his own demise with a choice.Modern evangelism accompanied by delusional thinking can be the catalyst behind so called modern day prophets.I agree with you however in finding one of the meanings of life--LOVE.It is the universal force driving every religion. If your going to obsess on something then make it about spreading love with no strings attached. Christianity in its purest form before politics and self intrest is love sweet love and selfless without to much intent.

I too thought i was the messiah come to save the earth's people from their own misunderstanding. but, alas, i am not. Although, i have learned much from my conquests into religion during my psychotic episodes i have yet to perform any TRUE miracles, and i am guessing neither have you. Which is ok.

I say, come to terms with the idea that you are not the messiah(can be kinda a let down), but continue to spread the word of god and this message of love. It is pure in every single way.

I suggest you turn to meditation though. I think you'll find a few nice surprises in your spirituality due to your connection with god. i know i have.

i pretty much figured out the same, and think sometimes i am some kind of hero or am supposed to be somthing big in this world. but even though i know love is always there, i get the feeling since love is cynical i get depressed about it, not so much anymore though. and i get all these negative thoughts and violentt thoughts about my family and stuff, like the worst ones possible. never really about other people, it just seems my brain goes to the worst possible thoughts andthey really bother me sometimes, i feel i am destined or doomed to go to the darkside, but ive always been a good person. maybe this is all for spiritual growth and understanding. i dunno but i stiill have lots of fear in me. can u guys relate?

totally relate man. i though i was the anti christ after awhile cause i never actually became jesus. lol. it scared the $#%^ out of me, and sometimes i would get so pissed that i would just accept and actually start going with the thoughts. that scared me even more. but just focus on whats good and whats right and you should be fine....

thanks bro, it really does feel good to know other people are just the same. i think we really are good people. thanks man

glad i could help. your welcome.