Non-Schizophrenic, Question about disengaging *May Trigger*

Hi folks,

I need a little help. I need to end my relationship with my (now former) father-figure. I want to do it in a way that minimizes the chance of another "episode" or regression. Oh, and what do I tell his son? My stepbrother, for all intents and purposes, with whom I've also recently reconnected?

I care about "Dan"'s well-being. But not enough to risk my own, which I think is a healthy way for me to think. So. How can I leave him while minimizing the emotional damage to him?

- Do I make myself look bad, so that he will be disappointed? How should I go about this? What horrible thing can I say about myself that he will think that I'm a horrible person? (I'm usually pretty good at subconsciously sabotaging friendships, but I need help doing it intentionally.)
- Do I have my fiance call "Dan" and tell him that I hit my head and have amnesia? And that the doctor says I can't be around more than certain people? Have him tell "Dan" that shortly before my "accident", I said nice things about how "Dan" improved and that I hope he continues to improve?
- Do I have my fiance tell him that I had a psychotic breakdown and now *I* am delusional, thinking that "Dan" is my enemy...all these ways, it's not "Dan"'s fault?


Any other ways that I can place the blame onto myself so that it's "his choice" to "leave me"? How important is his history of schizophrenic episodes? How likely am I to trigger him back into the throes of grief if I just tell him the truth?

Thank you in advance,

--Frayed

I decided to split this into 2 posts, because there was a wall of text when I hit "preview."


BACKGROUND INFORMATION:

Facts about "Dan" as an individual:
He is a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. He has had some serious delusions in the past and has engaged in self-harm. He told me that he once painted a sign in his own blood, "warning" people about a certain organization. Since then, he has been on medication. If it matters, he is also an alcoholic. He lives in an assisted living facility, so financially he's OK with or without me.

Facts about me:
"Dan" was the only one of my mother's husbands whom I considered my father. He was the only one whom I trusted. I reconnected with "Dan" last September. He was my mother's fiance for 2 years, when I was 9 and 10. Prior to last September, we had not spoken for 16 years. I spoke ABOUT him to my family and said nice things about his parenting style. He is still grieving the loss of me and my mother, after all this time. I don't think that he truly believes that I'm his daughter! Actually, I think he might be slowly, intentionally deluding himself that I am not...

Problem:
I last saw "Dan" three days ago. Among other comments, he said that "he was always careful about letting 'some spark fly between us' when I used to sit on his lap as a little girl". He has recently gifted me wine and roses, and has said that "if I were another woman, he could easily fall in love with me". I am not suggesting that all persons with schizophrenia act the way he does. I am simply stating why I have to leave this individual. And I DO have to leave. I have attempted to set boundaries, but they are not holding up.

Question:
HOW?

He has cleaned himself up. Placed sheets on his bed. Became interested in chess again. His best friend called me and thanked me in tears for "saving" "Dan". Then I came home and started having seizure-like twitches through my entire body that lasted for 3 hours.


So....yeah....how do I go about this?

--Frayed

Hey Frayed,

May I ask why you want to end the relationship? I mean you must be a pretty important part in Dan's life, and he's probably already paranoid that he's going to loose you. But if it's different circumstances, where you just need to end it then can you just not keep in contact with him anymore? Just dont return his calls and isolate yourself from him.

What you mean by minimise another episode. In you or him?

I hope it all works out. I think I have schizophrenia, and it seems to me like the worst thing is people not understanding what you mean and feeling alone in this world. Loosing touch with the real world. Maybe you are just what he needs, someone who can understand what he's going through.

HT

Hi Honkeytonk,

Thanks for answering. : )

I need to end the relationship because "Dan" admitted that he's sexually attracted to me. And that he may have also been sexually attracted to me when I was 10. Because, as he said, "I was mature beyond my years."

I experienced a degree of sexual abuse from 2 other people. "Dan" is a huge trigger, and I can't have that in my life.

I'm looking to minimize the trauma for "Dan." He did a lot of good things for me as a father-figure.



I've thought about not returning his calls. I'm bad at calling people anyway. So it wouldn't be anything out of the ordinary, until he starts calling around looking for me. Which he has done in the past. Actually, it's how we re-connected!

I definitely understand him. I can sympathize with him. I know what he's been through, and I was perfectly willing to listen to more of his pain, and to play chess over a glass of wine. BUT NOT LIKE THIS. I'm not his girlfriend. I'm supposed to be his daughter.

Since he can't (or won't) accept the difference, since he won't respect my boundaries, I need to leave...

--Frayed

I think that a huge part of my issue is the guilt & responsibility that I'm so ready to assume for something that hasn't even happened yet.

I don't know how much of my responsibility is healthy for me...

--Frayed

Heya Frayed, I hope it's ok that I respond to your post.

This is an interesting situation your in. Your right, you do have to keep your distance from him. Try not to think about your relationship with his son yet. I don't know if this is the case, but what Dan said about being sexually attracted to you, even back when you were ten, made me think of child molesters who groom children, and gaining trust is a big part of that from what I understand. I just felt a chill when you said, he said,"You we're mature beyond your years." That, and the fact that you were abused twice prior made me a bit wary. I don't know the full story so I can't really make judgments though, and my intent isn't to make you feel bad. I could easily be off.

You said you tried making boundaries also. What exactly we're they, and what did he do to overstep them? To me getting you roses and wine is kinda towing the line, but that's just me. Your right also that your NOT his gf, and you shouldn't have to play that role. The fact that he contacted you after 16 yrs is also strange. Did he give a reason for that? I'd consider asking your mother what the reasons we're for ending the engagement also, back when you were younger. The REAL reasons, not the ones you tell a child. She may have seen something about him that made her think twice about it, and just never told you. The fact that he was attracted to you as a 10 yr old, and the fact that the engagement was called off around that time is just very convenient. It might be worth asking her about it if you felt safe doing so, just for your own sake. Then again, you might not want an answer.

If you want him gone, I don't think telling him a lie, or pretending you have amnesia is the best way to do it. It could compound the problem. I'd first off, make sure that for the time being you don't have any contact with him. Get your thoughts in order first, and find out exactly how you want to handle it. If you have his email, or addy, I'd write him a letter, and let him know, in no uncertain terms that you can't have contact with him. I'd tell him why also, plus anything else you feel needs to be said. It's important for him to know why. That doesn't mean it has to be mean. If you told him in person it might not come out right due to the emotional stress of it, so writing it out is good. For me anyway. Not respecting boundaries is a real big problem, and can't be tolerated, as mean as that sounds considering his mental state. If he doesn't respect the letter, then have your fiance send him one next, re-explaining your feelings. You cant predict how he will react, so don't try to. The guilt isn't for you to bear, and your not responsible for him. Do what has to be done, and let the cards fall where they may. If your too soft he might not get the point and entertain thoughts that he can still hang around, and if you lie, and he found out, it could hurt him even worse then the truth. Simply ignoring him is good if it works, but in my experience some people just don't get the point. Which leaves you wondering when they'll call you again down the road which can cause stress or trigger you again & again. Like you said..he's set financially, and has been managing without you for 16 yrs, so there's no reason why he wouldn't manage after you tell him this stuff.

From the sounds of it, you've given him a bit of support, and comfort already, and HAVE helped him. You've taken the time to listen to his problems, and it seems like you've made a real difference. That's something to feel good about. His behavior thought is out of line, and is triggering you. That cannot continue, and hes demonstrated that he can't help himself from what you've said. That isn't what someone who respects you does, nomatter what your relationship is or was. In my view that means, 'Game On', and you have the right to be firm with him without regret.

I'm just throwing thoughts out ok Frayed. This is highly emotional for you I'm certain, and I know it's gotta be bigtime stressful for you. Don't forget to breath. Your way of doing things may differ from mine, so it's ultimately up to you of course. I hope you stay safe ok. You'll find a way to work this out!! Take care, & good luck <3

Hi Cabalistic,

I'm really glad that you replied to my post. Thank you. You didn't make me feel bad at all. Actually, I feel a little bit more relieved.

You hit the nail on the head with "groomed." He was hugely in favor of homeschooling me. Of course, that can be attributed to how much interest he took in my education (history, literature, etc.) But there is still a scary component to that thought.

To be honest, he didn't overstep his boundaries much.

1- He said that my mother was always concerned about the relationship between him and me. This was before any abuse happened to me (that I know of).
2- He said (several times over the past months) that he wanted to read me a poem that he wrote for my mother. (He writes a lot.) I told him that the "passionate" details of his relationship with my mother are sacred to them and should be kept that way. Well, he read me the poem anyway.
3- I told him what my ex-stepfather and the "friend of the family" did. "Dan" asked me about the specific details.
4- "Dan" told me that we weren't "really" related, not by blood anyway.
5- "Dan" told me that, if I were not his daughter, he could easily fall in love with me. I told him that sometimes bonds are stronger between adoptive parents. Or something loosely translated as such. I don't remember what he said.

Combined with his comment about "the spark between us", this is enough red flags for me. I'm gone. I just haven't told him yet.

You're right--it's probably not a good idea to lie about my reason for leaving. I think that you're also right that I'm not responsible for him. He has lived without me for the past 16 years, and he will manage without me from now on.

I've been working through this in several posts now, and I think I'm actually going to call him in a few days. I think I'll tell him something like this:

(Not gonna call him anything, not "Dan", not "papa". I'll just say hello.)

There are some things I need to say, and I need you to listen to me.

About the other night: I understand how hard you worked to contain yourself with me when I was a kid. And I think that you were always a great father. However, the abuse by my other stepfather created some really bad memories for me. I don't think that you want to hurt me or to do anything bad to me, but I can't be around you. Please understand that this is important for my mental health. I can't afford to get you two confused. I need to remember you as my father, who only saw me as a daughter. I am glad to see that you are still interested in chess. I hope that you will see your friend soon. I hope that you take good care of yourself, because you are a good person. I won't be contacting you again.

I think that this shows that I'm sensitive to his condition. That I respect that he contained himself. That I care about his well-being. And also that I am GONE.

I might revise this slightly. I'll have to run it by my fiance.

Thank you again for replying to me.

--Frayed

{Edit:} Ran this by my fiance; he suggested that I hang up after that and turn off my phone.

I might also want to tell "Dan" that neither my mother nor my grandmother put me up to this. I might want to add that I am not planning telling any of them about this. The only thing that would do is upset them, anyway.

I will tell my stepbrother that "Papa" and I had a falling out. But I can still see my stepbrother, his fiance and myself catching up over lunch while he is in town. My stepbrother is currently working abroad, but will be visiting in July and then settling down out of state. He hasn't lived with "Dan" since he was a little kid. I'm going to e-mail him right now, actually.


Anyway, thanks again!

Heya Frayed

I'm glad your coming up with a plan. Getting ideas from your fiance is good too. I think the stuff you wrote regarding what to tell "Dan" is going in the right direction. I wish you luck when you finally do it!! You can't expect it to go 100% to plan when you talk to him, but hopefully it'll be close to it. I wish you luck!!

It's good to hear that your relationship with your step brother isn't going to be hurt too At the very least you can talk to him on facebook or something.

Later (((((((HUGS))))))))

I do have a plan. I wrote down an outline of it in another one of my threads concerning this. Thank you for helping me come up with it.

And you're right--it does make me feel good to have my brother's support. I don't know what will happen in the future, but right now things are good between him and me.

Thanks again. I'll respond to your message soon.

(((((HUGS)))))

--Frayed