worried, but withdrawing myself

i feel my illness is getting serious. been thinking of asking for help. but the moment i met my friend, i killed all motivation and shut up. and i see all u people have to take so many different kinds of pills. i'm paranoid about pills. they will get me worse. i preferred going back to my own world.

my mood swings violently. the voices in me get noisy when depressed. linger on the internet like finding for some clues or answer. but can't help. need someone to talk to. but can't say a word of these when contact with other people.

been withdrawn for a period of time. after getting back into the social world, feel paranoid again very quickly. feel astranged and they are all like suspecting or saying something strange about me. i want to know what they are really thinking but i don't know. popping up images and strange ideas and words in my head.

there's like a god causing me all the troubles. i was extremely angry about that. but sometimes some good voice is like helping me to relax when other people's voices talking bad about me. i hope that would be a good being really helping me. i tell myself there's no god, but that can't help.

feel stranged of my voice. it's like i don't know my own voice. when i said something, the voice repeats in my head and i feel strange about the sound of it. it's like, whose voice is this?

oh no. don't know what i want from here. a place to disclose my secrets to other people. i find this forum quite supportive. but i'm stubborn, i know i should find help but i won't do it. keep it to myself like keep it under my control. like it would be out of control when disclosed to other people. i won't know how to treat myself and they won't know how to treat me either. they will think ill of me. it feels bad to look weak and ill. i heard them talk badly about crazy people.

Hi, 1107! You could just tell your regular doctor and ask them where you could get help for this, no one else has to find out for now. Do you have at least one person that you could trust? It's ok if you don't, you've got this forum for support now.