Vocatus atque non vocatus deus aderit

Hi all. I have posted the following on other sites. I wanted to post it here. So it can help people identify with symptoms. So people can not feel so alone with stuff. I like to hear about 'symptoms', people don't discus the content of 'psychosis' too much it seems. I find it helpful to read & discus such things -

"I am going out on a bit of a limb here. I wanted to share on this site my experiences of "psychosis" or the content of ASC's (Altered states of Consciousness). I totally disagree with orthodox psychiatry that it is unhealthy to discuss this stuff; in fact I think it is about the most healthy thing you can do, in relation to working through such things, & gaining insight, perspective, & recovery. It is through discussing such things with other people within an environment of trust, that I have been able to get some kind of framework of understanding. I have described the experiences from the perspective of when I was in them, & I haven't gone into a lot of detail, just a basic outline really. Below is what I have posted on another site. It is personal, but if it can help someone get some identification, that they are not alone, & help them get some insight into their own experience, then that is a good thing.

Interestingly, the people I have found to be of most therapeutic help by far, has been other sufferers; initially when I started discussing such things with other "patients" in the hospital, & found two other people who had experienced things very similar, & later on when I have been lucky enough to find survivors within the community & with on-line interactions.

Of course all this could be described in terms of the delusional & as meaningless nonsense with no intrinsic value; there are other ways of seeing such things, & as a method of recovery I have formed a kind of map or framework for the “psychotic” experiences I have gone through. I have found a personal meaning & way of integrating & processing such things. The last time I was severely ill was over 4 years ago, & I feel like I have only now gained some closure or integration on what went on. There are aspects to these experiences that I will never resolve in this lifetime & recovery is an ongoing & continuing thing. I have not been able to relegate such things only to the past & move on in the same way as I once tried. It is almost like two realities or lives; that of the “other” – the one in which I am in ASC’s & my “normal” or sane life. Each life has had its own progression.

I will start at around the beginning; however, to truly try to impart some of these experiences would take a book or a series of them. I started writing a book last year about these things, but it is shelved for the time being.

17 – After a period of time of reading a practising the occult & taking a lot of different drugs this happened. One evening I became very euphoric, I had smoked a joint but I was not out of it. I was convinced that I was on the verge of discovering the meaning of life & we were all going to Heaven. I sat late at night with some books I had been reading & turned my conscious mind inward to the perfect power within. I heard as clear as spoken a disappearing scream inside of me & was convinced that was my soul leaving me for Hell & I had lost it to the Devil. It was like being transported into another World, like I had been turned inside out, my body vibrated, the room vibrated, the moon through the window danced around. I was in a state many, many more times more powerful than any hallucinogen that I had previously taken. I knew the future – the World had been taken over by highly technologically advanced Aliens who had turned most of the population of the planet into Zombies, if I slept I would become one too, now I knew the truth. By all means I had to not sleep. This whole scenario was being run by the Devil, I had to find the true Christian underground. Over a week later with still having not slept, numerous arrests, & much of the same I was sectioned.

Despite how the above sounds, it is difficult to impart just how believable all that was at the time. There was no question that any of it wasn’t true. I wasn’t mad in any way shape or form, the thought that I was never entered my mind. The state I was in, was to me; utterly horrific & so terrifying that I could not imagine at the time anything being worse.

21 – I had died & was in the afterlife, it was much the same as here, we carry on the same. There was detailed content connected to this experience, mainly concerning very serious crime; there was no distinction between what was part of the subjective experience & objective “reality”. I was in the state of believing I was dead & in the afterlife for around 4 months after which time I became convinced of some very paranoid ideas, including believing I was the devil, which ended in a suicide attempt & another admission in a psych hospital. There was also around the time of the admission the realisation that I was God – literally the creator of the Universe incarnate, & I had a Holy family on Earth; we were part of a grand scheme to initiate an all out nuclear detonation, in which I would press the button to bring into existence, or reveal the spiritual reality behind material existence; which was an illusion anyway. (Be thankful I wasn’t working for NORAD at the time. LOL)

25 – There was a definite progression with the content of the ideas, & the complexity of the experiences, although they followed from the previous two episodes. My environment was filled with very high & hidden advanced technology. I had been around since the creation of the Earth, & my life which I was aware, my physical form, was the projection of another life in which I was an immortal, living in multiple forms on the earth, which would come alive when all the pieces of that existence would come together. This involved things like tombs with relics & the like.

The last three episodes have involved similar themes but were progressively more complex. I think you get the idea. Themes which developed were “Light” & “dark” Alien races battling in secret on the Earth & throughout Space. Religious themes, themes centring around immortality & parallel Worlds, dimensions & realities existing alongside our own, often in which they coincided or I was jumping between, they were mixed up & usually involved one which was real & one illusionary, like there was two of everyone & everything.

There also developed over these experiences, the ideas of underground cities, high speed underground roadways, & complex underground passageways systems; which were interconnected into many houses.

The last time I was ill I saw a vision that stayed with me for many days & was so tangible it was more real than anything else. It was terrifying to me at the time.

Throughout all these states I have found that I have entered into these ASC’s quickly, & come out of them quickly (a period of usually 3 months, sometimes shorter, & sometimes longer). After I have come out of them; I have good insight into them, I can challenge, question & rationalise what has happened, & see many angles, including the orthodox, although that bores me. But I can view these things as entirely subjective experiences which happened “inside my head” & do not necessarily relate to anything “objective”. In a way these things are real at the time; they are to all intents & purposes happening to me. I do of course entertain many ideas & different theories & angles to what may be “True” about such things in an objective sense, but more importantly from the point of view of a psychological mechanism.

When I have been “well” I have lived a productive life, & reasonable full considering. As I said; it is like the “other” life is not real in the same way as it is when I am ill; then that other life becomes the one which is real.

I hope you find that as interesting as I did writing it. I find it therapeutic, almost cathartic to put this stuff down in words & to discuss it.

Foot note; After the first "psychotic" break, I took a literal interpretation from what I had experienced; & spent around 4 years practising a personnel Christianity, & looking for answers by obsessively reading & re reading the Bible. After which time I started to gain other perspectives & to view the whole experience differently. I no longer see such things from the point of view of a Christian paradigm. Although I do think the original "break" was connected to the influence of a "Dark Spirit" - what resonates with me as more of an explanation is from a Jungian sense - that my ego self, or conscious mind was overwhelmed by my Unconsciousness, "ego death" or the dissolution of the ego occurred. This raises different questions & viewpoints. There are other explanations & angles I have to these things now too."

I'd be interested in any thoughts on this.

Here is a good article on Psychosis -

http://www.amjcaretraining.site50.net/1 ... hosis.html

& another on Recovery -

http://www.amjcaretraining.site50.net/1 ... overy.html

Thanks for the post. I have experienced the devil fighting for my soul and winning, so there's that similarity. I look at the whole experience in terms of Jungian theory. Strangely enough, at the time of the psychotic break I came upon a book that was describing everything that was happening to me - it was written by a Jungian. I would write more, but I'm just not feeling well enough.