Am I schizophrenic?

s

Sunnyg,

Thanks so much for your post! I think I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. Yes, I do feel anxiety when I think about it (which is unfortunately all the time. . .) Yes, I feel extremely isolated and lonely hiding my "second life" from everyone. And yes, I'm extremely protective and self-conscious over these memories. It's almost a relief to be able to say even anonymously that there is something wrong with me.

My #1 problem is that I just haven't determined whether my psychotic/delusional experience was real or not... If I knew for a fact that it was not, I think I would be able to move on with my life. I used to have a very sharp memory which has dimmed somewhat (maybe from watching too much TV or otherwise letting my mind deteriorate) but I remember everything that happened in my psychosis/delusion/very bizarre event to the last detail. My memory has not altered one iota over many years.

Anyhow, I really appreciate someone being able to understand and sympathize with at least a little bit about how I feel. You say the meds help you forget. Do they actually wipe your memory?

s

Sunnyg,

Thanks so much for your reply! I was told since I was a young child by many people that my memory was photographic, but I didn't have my bizarro experience until I was in my late 20s. So it is really hard for me to associate the two.

Anyway, I welcome any information that can help me to resolve my "little problem," so thanks so much for posting!

Schizophrenia ...well, one of its key symptoms are such mentally dissociative states of involuntary delusions, hallucinations, paranoia etc.



In such connection, the factors mentioned above are actually inter-related with the cognitive principle that ' the mind chooses what it wants to see, how it wants to feel and what it wants to think'.



And in the case of hallucinations / delusions and imaginary voices, the mind actually chooses to form delusional / hallucinational and imaginary thoughts which are not real and do not exist at all, and that can either be voluntary or involuntary / uncontrollable depending on the mental conditions of different individuals.



Scientifically, hallucinations / delusions and imaginary voices, well, they are all actually result from the 'distorted sensory proprioceptions' generated by the brain through false signals / interpretations, or in the medical context, 'distorted nerve impulses' which arise from the 'distorted ways' that the persons having such problems perceiving their surroundings / environments.



On the other hand, it also actually mean that human beings, to the varying extents, are actually able to exercise self-controls through their self-wills, to determine the thoughts they wish to form in their minds.



This is to say, for the ones troubled with mental illnesses, they, to the varying extents, can actually control their own thoughts if they so wish to, especially to think positively, rationally, optimistically, pracitcally and sensibly, to gradually improve their mental conditions for the better and better.

It would be interesting if you could tell us a bit about your symptoms, and exactly what happened as well as what you're feeling now.

"It would be interesting if you could tell us a bit about your symptoms, and exactly what happened as well as what you're feeling now."



Well, regarding my symptoms for the schizophrenia disorder, it was actually closely related to my occupation as a business executive working in a commercial bank, paticularly in the loans and mortgages divisions.



And since the economies worldwide are having their sharp downturns now, the bank I was working with actually faced such serious problems of bad loans, low rates of savings, investment borrowings, interest rate cuts, financial write-offs and losses etc.



Next, all these uncontrollable economic factors actually severely affected my work-related performances. In such a connection, I would always tend to face harsh scoldings, criticisms and a variety of pressings as well as lots of unreasonable demands, nonsenses imposed upon me by my superiors and clients. On top of that, these work-related-pressures were further worsened by the massive retrenchment-of-staffs practices conducted by the bank I was working with.



And about the delusions and hallucinations that I was having in regard to my schizophrenia disorder, well, sometimes I just couldn't help but to 'bring home' all those unpleasant memories of me getting scolded, criticized, being treated harshly in my work-place etc. Well, it's just that during that time even when I was at home with my family, those delusions and hallucinations, or rather memories just seem to be so real to me that they in turn made me feel so sad, dejected and depressed, even at my very own home.



Subsequently, having sought extensive treatments from various medical experts, specialists and other medical personnel, me as well as the others troubled by schizophrenia and other mental disorders, especially the ones involving the mentally dissociative states of delusions, hallucinations, paranoias etc, have actually been advised by the psychiatrists, psychologists, psychotherapists etc that the holistic healing approaches for the mental disorders would basically involve the followings : -



1/3 of medicational helps + 1/3 of psychotherapies, interactive, interpersonal, emotional, communication, conselling supports from the others + 1/3 of self-determinations, self-initiatives, self-controls, self-wills and self-disciplines to think positively, rationally, realistically and practically as well as to lead a normal and healthy life



Next, I must admit that it's quite arbitrary for me to do so in the first place. However, given the fact that there are more and more people nowadays, especially the ones having the mental disorders who would tend to rely heavlily, and if not completely, but at the same time, rather ignorantly upon medications as their sole and only means of dealing with their mental disorders, hence, by assigning the numerical proportion of '1/3' to each of those 3 variables for that 'equation' I'm just trying to convey a message to the intended readers that such factors as external psychotherapies, interactive / interpersonal, emotional / moral supports from the others as well as self-controls / self-efforts to think positively, they are just fairly as important as the medications when it comes to dealing with mental disorders.



Subsequently, please consider the following excerpt quoted from my previous post :



This is to say, for the ones troubled with mental illnesses, they, to the varying extents, can actually control their own thoughts if they so wish to, especially to think positively, rationally, optimistically, pracitcally and sensibly, to gradually improve their mental conditions for the better and better.



In this regard, about the self-control of thoughts exercised on my own part to deal with my schizophrenia disorder, I would always try my very best not to entertain with all those delusions and hallucinations of me getting scolded, criticized, being treated harshly etc in my workplace, particularly when I was at my home. And I actually got this achieved by occupying myself with other meaningful and amusement activities such as playing indoor / outdooer games, sports, watching comedies, movies, listening to sentimental songs, going to funfares and having leisurely, pleasant and casual talks / chats with my friends / loved ones as well as joking around with others.



Next, all these activities would actually serve to divert my attentions substantially away from those delusions and hallucinations about all those unpleasant memories and experiences that were 'derived' from my high-pressure workplace.



Besides, when I was at my workplace facing all those unpleasant encounters with my demanding superiors and clients, I would try my best to take them easy and not to take all those unpleasant scenarios, experiences and memories to heart at all, as instructed to me by the medical specialists and experts attending to my disorders. Apart from that, I would always say to myself that 'feeling sad, dejected, depressed etc wouldn't help things at all by their own in the end, and so, instead of choosing to feel unhappy and brood over all those unpleasant experiences, why not just move on and do something else practical that would realistically benefit you whilst let the nature takes its own course especially when you have done the best you can to fulfill your job responsibilities for your organisation ?'



And then, slowly and gradually, I become normally healthy again as well as more and more happy-go-lucky.



Whilst the conclusion I have reached from my experience of dealing with schizophrenia / other mental disorders is that regardless of whether one feels happy / live happily or feels unhappy / live unhappily, one's life, nevertheless, would still go and move on. And if that's the case, why not try one's best to feel and live happily under most of the circumstances ?



Lastly, when there is a will, there is always a way.

Thanks, ntuc. I was actually addressing my question to the original poster, but it was interesting to hear from you anyway. Your example is exactly why I could not handle a regular job now. I've always run into severe interpersonal problems at the workplace. I try to do things from my own home now.

For me, I would say that self-control doesn't play a role in the therapy. It is possible for me to practice self-control for about 5-10 minutes and then I forget I'm supposed to do it. It's just not possible to control myself all the time.

'For me, I would say that self-control doesn't play a role in the therapy. It is possible for me to practice self-control for about 5-10 minutes and then I forget I'm supposed to do it. It's just not possible to control myself all the time.'



I faced the same problem as yours in the very first place too. It is just that whenever I told myself 'hey, get a grip of yourself, and things will get better in no time', well, the same harsh and hurtful scenarios just kept repeating to me on and on each time I went back to my workplace to face all those demanding and abusive clients and superiors of mine again.



And then I finally met one psychologist who said this to me :



Since it's the ones having mental disorders are the ones who are actually suffering from such illnesses, which arise from negative perceptions, negative feelings and negative thoughts formed in their own brains / minds (instead of other people's brains / minds), it would eventually necessitate they themselves to put in their very own self- efforts, having received both external medicational and interpersonal helps from the others, to exercise self-controls and self-disciplines on their own to direct their own brains for self-reasonings, self-introspections and self-rationalisings.



This is to say, for the self-cognition / thinkings psychological part of the ones having mental diorders to form those positive feelings and positive thoughts in their own minds on their very own, and then to naturally develop postitive behavioural / personality changes, such a cognitive thought / thinking process actually can hardly be 'dictated' by anyone else other than they themselves. In such connection, as to the cognitive / thinking abilities / processes of different individuals, one of the simplest examples will be the process of learning a knowledge or something else whereby a person can get the best text materials, teachers, lecturers, tutors etc to assist one in his / her learnings, however, it would still ultimately depend on the very cognitive ability / process pertaining to that particular person which is then the key decisive factor in determining whether the knowledge is successfully acquired in the end or not.



In short, those self-efforts (related to self-cognitions), in the very end, will eventually be very much essential, or rather the decisive factor in determining whether the persons having mental disorders will achieve improvements / recoveries for their mental conditions or not.



Bearing such remarks in mind and having firm beliefs in them, I just learnt slowly and patiently to control my temper in such a way that I just tried to remain as calm as possible under any potentially agitative / provocative circumstances.



At the same time, I have also found out that the kind and benign influences from the others who are genuinely willing to help me to deal with my emotional problems, well, such positive interpersonal influences are actually very helpful to me in that they help me to achieve great leaps in controlling my temper and emotion as well as changing my personalities for the better and better from time to time.



For your further information, it actually took me a tremendously hard time to try to get such self-controls achieved to the better and better extents. And no doubt the external aides from the closed ones do help me to a very great extent in achieving that. In my case, it took me about 2 years of continuous, unrelenting and steadfast attitudes and efforts to get myself to think rationally, positively and optimistically under most of the circumstances as well as to developed positive behavioural and personality changes. Then what about you, and maybe the others ?



In a nutshell, in terms of all those self-determinations, self-initiatives, self-controls, self-wills and self-disciplines to think positively, rationally, realistically and practically as well as to lead a normal and healthy life as mentioned above, well, that's simply a very down-to-earth reality of life that no pains, no gains.



In such a connection, I would like to add that in terms of all those self-determinations, self-initiatives, self-controls, self-wills and self-disciplines to think positively, rationally, realistically and practically as well as to lead a normal and healthy life, great patience maybe would take a long way in trying to achieve that. However, once such goals are achieved, it would also mean that the people trouble with mental disorders are just achieving leaps and bounds further and further towards the ever-improving mental conditions and then to the final complete recovery of their very mental disorders in the end.



Lastly, such goals, instead of being just sheer fantasies, they are actually the very realistic ones which in fact have been achieved by lots of people, especially the ones with tremendous patience.

Ntuc, do you still have the same job?