Help please, i feel im being kept in the dark.

Hi all,

My names andy, im 19 years old.

I've read the messages you send to eachother, for many years, since i was first told i was suffering psychotic symptoms... Since then, multiple suicide attempts, anxiety issues, in and out of psychiatric wards like a yo-yo... its become all i know, and i feel i'll never return to the person i was, the real me. i feel in an endless, hopeless struggle... sometimes i just submit to it. accept im going to be like this, this is me now. My memories are unfamiliar nightmares, but this is my life. and my past... whether i try to deny it or not... is what has shaped who i am today.

I started off with talking to a youth conselling service, then a drugs councillor, then a psychiatrist + a mental health nurse (from a team that specialises in psychotic illness), i also have a CBT therapist, to help my with my extreme fears which almost incapacite me from leaving the house at times.

I'm on Escitolopram (to make me view life more positively, to slightly relieve anxiety), im also on high doses of anti-psychotic meds. which seem in their own way to have changed me, or maybe thats the illness...? problem is... ill never be sure...

However... with all this therapy and drug treatment, i still feel left in the dark. They seem to just take notes and notes, i see my file on the psychiatrists desk, growing thicker and thicker, and feel i still know little or nothing, they listen, they judge, they dont share their true opinions. they still haven't fully diagnosed me yet, i feel they're keeping things from me...

Like i said here, ive been here for years... reading... ive just never posted... I suppose i just need a response from somebody who i feel has gone through maybe the same thing? i know you dont know my experiences, or my past, but if i were to go into that now... you'd be here for hours...

At least i can kind of accept its parylsying my ability to function in a way most people dont give a second thought about. Its so hard for me... i can usually control what the voices tell me, its just so powerful and feels as if my mood relates to what the voices are saying... Over the last few months, i've done things im ashamed of... becoming aggressive and agitated, ranging from verbal abuse towards my family (whom i love more than myself) to momentary visions and voice commands to hurt my friends, to pure anger and rage towards strangers, feeling threatened, potentially from a stare, or because they walked past me, or because they were laughing or smiling, i feel its targeted at me, and i feel pure hatred... and in the moment, i feel a dark pleasure from it, it feels like its me thinking straight, im right, i enjoy it in someway.

But when this wears off and i can think clearly, the guilt is unbearable. i feel dirty, sick, evil and perverse. And i know in myself that this is not the person i truly am. Im seeking help. I feel so in touch with the experiences you people describe, sometimes i think i might be schizophrenic, its been too much, for too long, too severe, and ive only just started to realise this... if someone were to reply to me... id really like to share my experiences, see what you think... i just need guidance, the kind of information the psychiatrists hide from you in their big grey files. i want an honest opinion, not a short and sweet - you'll be ok.

i feel a loss of control of myself. sometimes when i lie trying to sleep at night, im too scared to get out of bed, because i know the voices will make me hurt myself.

If you've managed to read this far, thanks a lot, im new to this forum, if you feel you know what im describing, please talk to me. Im sick of being told the watered-down truth from a psychatrist i.e. "your not well, take your medicine, it will make you better, ill tell you when your better" kind of attitude. When i know im being kept in the dark, I WISH I COULD GET A GENUINE RESPONSE FROM SOMEONE WHOM I CAN BELIEVE ACTUALLY GIVES A $#%^.

please, please reply. Im here because im lost in the dark, with nowhere left to turn... and i need someone who understands to shine some light.

- andy

Hi Andy,

It seems that you're being mangled by the sickness and people are attending more to the sickness rather than to you. I agree that seeing a reputed psychologist is a good idea. A psychiatrist will NEVER really talk to you. They just calculate your symptoms into dosages of medication. A psychologist on the other hand is more interested in you as a person.

How is your family treating you? Are you on good terms (apart from the incidents recently)? Do you get loving support from them? How about your friends? Do you go to school?

Hi Andy, I can relate to a lot of what you say, except that I've been in the system a lot longer than you have.

If you're in the UK, it makes sense that you don't have a definite diagnosis yet. Diagnosing an illness like schizophrenia is something UK doctors are very careful about; once you have that diagnosis there are lots of areas in your life that would change, and not neccessarily for the better. Finding work, learning to drive and so on can become impossible - I know, I've lost jobs on the strength of my diagnosis. Schizophrenia is a label you'd be stuck with for life; psychosis, while it describes what you're going through, doesn't have the same long-term problems - your doctor is actually acting in your best interests.

Don't be afraid to ask your psychiatrist what he's writing - I often do. In my case, what he's written is basically a summing up of how I appear to be - once or twice I've disagreed with what he's put and he has listened to me and altered his notes.

Ask about other forms of therapy too; some mental health teams have art therapists, music therapists and so on - that kind of thing can sometimes be a huge help in connecting back to the person you 'used' to be. Psychosis does change people, but never forget that you can change yourself too. The more help you have in fidning ways to express who you are, the easier it is to stay in control of your self and your life.

Andy,

I too am experiencing what you are going through, what with the feeling of being left in the dark by seemingly uncaring doctors and counsellors who merely ask how my appetite is, how I'm sleeping, if I hear voices, and about erratic thoughts, depression, anxiety etc. They don't tell me what's up, explore my past, anything like that, I just sit blankly as they hand over the prescription. I always feel that maybe I could have told them more, but then wonder if it will help so I just go off quietly.

I do not experience voices but I do feel sometimes (perhaps once a month or every couple of months) the darkening moods you are talking about, in which you feel an unexplicable hate/rage towards someone. It's a byproduct of fear. You just want to roar and scream at them what they want from you, why they are treating you like this, and the rage can be a cleanser. In a sense the anger filters out any actual violence you would inflict upon them, which I consider to be a plus.

It happens quite rarely that I feel rage at any particular person, and I don't often have any remorse over it just as they would soon as forget about it. I have vague memories I would love to overcome and forgive of being treated like utter horseshite, and the person sat and gloated, not feeling any remorse over it, so I guess this partically accounts as to why. Although, of course, I dislike the moods (feel like a dark cloud hovering over my mind when they come), I just accept them, experience them, let them go back whence they came from, and get on with my life. My depersonalisaton helps me sometimes not to identify with them.

Good luck with your treatment. All I can say is just go in there and tell them what you think, and you feel that they are hiding stuff from you you feel would be helpful.

Jon

Just a heads up, iamarock, this thread is over 2 years old. How did you find it?

I think you need a psychologist or a therapist to talk about your problems. A psychiatrist will never give you that help.

Oops - I didn't check the date. I just saw the post at the bottom of another thread I was replying to.

Thanks.