Hope and Healing without Labels

Hello there, Im new here to psychforums.

I did not have behavior problems as a child. I did not hear voices or see things, but I was highly creative and imaginative. I wouldn't want to glamorize the label, but it has become an aspect of my identity as I can identify with the pain and detachment and the slow progression of the disease. But maybe its possible that it will not progress--maybe with the right recipe it could even be reversed and cured.

When I was fifteen I had a breakdown. I was instantly diagnosed with psychosis hinting at schizophrenia and medicated with anti-psychotics. Because of the forced treatment I did not get better at the 9 month stay in the adolescent psych ward. I then tried to finish HS, was baker acted again after I went off the medication. Im trying to get my associates and possibly bachelors degree in Human Services and Social work, or something along that line. I've often been told, you dont have schizophrenia because you can communicate well and have total insight. It went from paranoid schizoprenia, to schizoaffective to bipolar disorder/not the other way around. Different psychiatrists have said they just have to write something for insurance purposes and that labels dont matter whether its bipolar, Autism spectrum or schizophrenia but it does matter---and makes a difference to me--it also affects how Im treated by others.

My greatest fear is that if I stop taking medication reality will suddenly unravel, and that I will not be me anymore. I think thats how schizophrenia works. I suffer mostly from magical thinking, but am also a humanist and read the Bible. My faith and meditation, and vague understanding of the metaphysical have helped me combat the unexplainable phenomena my brain allows me to experience through my mind/sense and perceptions. Im usually grounded as much I can be but others assume Im delusional because of my Essene type thinking, and Im highly spiritual.

Energy. Energy is what it is. My consciousness expands. But then my limited beliefs get in the way. I start to wonder if psychiatry is hindering my awareness by suppressing my human intellect and insight. I dont think its a conspiracy per-se but more of a social regulation and degenerative society that puts people who have the illness on the total fringes of society.

Its like park benches that are cruelly designed to keep the homeless off the streets, (now they have to hand out tents) but then winter comes--and they are less warm, less protected and now no one has a place to sit. The current structure doesn't allow room for growth or expansion, but it can be adapted. I hope one day people see schizophrenia as merely a disability, not a total flaw, and something that can be reversed/cured/managed even put into remission.

I wish less of my friends in common were abused and taken advantage of. It is an open wound, it makes us feel vulnerable--but we need to be seen we all have different struggles. More people should show compassion, it is need in this world.