First off, I am not diagnosed with schizophrenia or any other psychotic disorder.
This is some back story, you don't have to read it, just skip forward to the ******
I am now 18, have had severe mental health issues in the past with depression and anxiety since I was 14. Have been in and out of the hospital(psych wards) for the past 4 years. Last year, in 2018, during a 4 month involuntary admission (I was 17), as a last resort they decided ECT may benefit me. It ended up saving my life and had a significant effect on me. However my period of remission lasted only a month and a half before i fell into a crippling major depression episode. They then decided that I would need maintenance ECT, as in after a course of ECT, i would continue having ECT every 2 weeks. And then have ECT monthly after 4 months. (I now have ECT monthly) And i still feel much better.
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Here is the problem now. Lately i've been feeling "off". It started off not too bad, just feeling like I don't understand things as well and just my normal daily day to day mental functioning seemed odd. Now I have "deja vu" every single day, multiple times a day. But I KNOW its not deja vu. I KNOW it has happened before.
However, if it's not one of those times where I know for sure it's happened before, I have to seriously think about whether it actually happened or if it was just my imagination. Sometimes it feels like "visions" like I get the "deja vu" feeling but because I just know it happened before but things still feel weird so I literally keep telling myself "excuses" or I try to rationalize it the best I can like "oh I probably just forgot" or when i have "deja vu" episodes like when I watch tv and i know it happened before i tell myself that "maybe i watched it before and just forgot i did".
Or if I know that I hung out with my friend and went to the same place, did the same things, talked about the same stuff. And i kept telling my friend "we've been here before, I remember we did this last time" (Like i know 10000000% we have been there before) and my friend kept saying "we have never been here before what are you talking about" And I kept telling myself that SHE'S the one who forgot.
But when these vision/deja vu things started happening, I at first thought I had some psychic ability to predict the future. Because sometimes I SWEAR to god i remember a memory of something happening in the past, but then like next week it happens! The exact memory I had from a week before.
Now I don't think i have special powers or anything, like i'm not thinking psychic in some delusional way, I just have a very open mind and I like to think of every possibility.
But the amount of times i have to keep asking myself if "did this really happen, or did i just imagine it? God i'm so stupid" etc, etc. It's not even a "feeling" that "oh this feels similar". Like I honestly cannot differentiate between the two.
So at this point, I have the following theories about this:
- I really do have some psychic power (like for real)
- I have a brain tumour because I don't know what else it could be
- I am losing my sanity
Please let me know which one of the 3 theories is more likely! Because I've got no clue