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Should I be worried about my kids?

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Should I be worried about my kids?

Postby IsaacNewton » Fri Jul 06, 2018 3:20 pm

Sorry for the long post but thanks everyone for taking a look. I feel like it's important to describe background here as this is a complicated concern of mine and historical context is important.

Quick summary: I am not diagnosed with any mental illness, but both my family and I have a history which appears to border on the edge of the spectrum for psychosis and/or schizophrenia. My wife and I are considering having children soon, and I'm wondering if I should be worried about passing any "dark passengers" on to them, and what I can do to prevent or mitigate such risks.

Background on me: As a child I had a vivid imagination. 32 years old now and consider myself to have a similarly vivid imagination for an adult. As a teenager, my imagination sometimes seemed to run wild with destructive effects. I felt like someone was watching me at night. I worried that demons were out to get me. When it came to love, I was prone to imagine scenarios of deception and betrayal that - true or not - would whip me into a jealous rage and cause me to behave erratically. Sometimes I would contemplate harm against others. I also had certain delusions of grandeur, believing very deeply that I was destined for greatness and would someday die an unnatural death in its pursuit (the example of Caesar was probably my favorite...). I also struggled with depression, which I largely attributed to a family loss I experienced at an early age. I coped and steadied myself by exercising, playing powerful sounding music on the piano, and fervent prayer. But often times I acted out my feelings, and looking back I'm sometimes surprised that I made it through my teenage years without seriously harming myself or someone else.

As I got older, I became more aware of my negative tendancies and learned to control them. I assumed most of it was just due to being an emotional hormonal teenager, or my vivid imagination running wild beyond my understanding. However, I also noticed similar patterns in other family members. One of my parents was taking anti-depressants and was prone to overreact over small things. One of my siblings, who was also an adult, displayed a similar tendency to my own of building up mental falsehoods that resulted in paranoia and rage. I worried about his/her potential to harm others, and one day he/she pulled a gun on someone which triggered some serious introspection and change. Marijuana seemed to help.

Today I'm fine. The demons watching me and delusions of grandeur are gone. The depression is gone. But I do occasionally catch myself creating false scenarios in my head, and before I know it I'm extremely angry at people for something I only imagined them doing. Happens at work especially, often manifesting itself through extreme paranoia that my work ethic or intelligence is being questioned and I'm just going to have to resign out of spite... before I realize that I'm reading way too deeply into what turns out to be nothing. Not before it ruins my day, of course. I'm aware of it and I correct myself accordingly, but I don't know if this is "normal."

Should I see a psychiatrist and try to determine if there is something that runs in my family that I should be aware of? Am I reading too deeply into this and is this just part of being a human and having emotions? My biggest fear is that I'm going to have children, they are going to inherit something bad from me, and it will manifest more powerfully in them and they won't be able to cope, ultimately causing them to inflict harm on themselves or others. What should I do? Any advice is appreciated.
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Re: Should I be worried about my kids?

Postby CityMouse » Wed Jul 25, 2018 5:22 pm

Why do want to have kids? Are your reasons selfish or altruistic?
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