Biggest breakdown of my life *may trigger*

I was abused a lot growing up and had many experiences that I would definitely describe as “covert” sexual abuse within the family that really set me up for a sexually dysfunctional mindset as a grown woman. I have always thought of myself as Asexual which I know my repulsion towards sex comes from the various abuses I have experienced. So my asexuality comes from a strong fear of physical intimacy. I have always avoided male attention like the plague. But as I recently turned 25 I have only gotten more depressed about how $#%^ my life really is. I still live with my parents and they have a really dysfunctional relationship and so there is a lot of fighting at home. The other night I left home by myself and ended up drinking in a bar alone. After a few drinks, I was approached by a guy who turned out to be 23 but looked around 35, he left his group of friends to chat with me, he had a big build and was pretty good looking so I was naturally intimidated. I’m not very social but I had a few drinks and he got talking with me and I’m too nervous of a person to not be polite and continue talking. So to cut the story in half, I get very drunk after rounds of whiskey and rum, and I guess because I’ve been feeling $#%^ and alone for a long time with my life, I ended up going back to this guys place with him. I was so out of my mind that I slept with this guy and I have the conscious memory of being drunk at the time and being anxious and afraid but just feeling sort of numb and on “autopilot” throughout. I guess it was a very out of body kind of state. I wanted to feel normal, not asexual, not f*cked up. The aftermath was so disorienting and uncomfortable, I kept drinking because I didn’t want to be sober. He offered me to stay the night, but I didn’t. I ended up wandering the city centre alone at 3am before I got the courage to take a taxi home. I honestly felt like just killing myself last night while I was drunk.

Today I was puking and crying all morning. I have been in a seriously seriously ###$ up state of mind. For several weeks I’ve been oretty much sleep deprived and now with this on top of me. I fell into a really deep pit of utter hopelessness today. A few hours ago I experienced a serious panic attack when i got thinking about whether or not he used a condom, what if I end up pregnant, what if I end up with an STD? I was in serious despair. But the panic attack, my head was spinning, my chest got really tight and I thought I was going to die there and then. But during the comedown from it, I was laying on my bedroom floor, and felt so delirious and started experiencing auditory hallucinations, which has NEVER happened to me before. It started out as whispers and I thought one of my parents was coming in my room but then it gradually became like evil, menacing laughter.... I have never been so frightened in my life. It pretty much triggered a whole new panic attack.

Could this possibly be the beginning symptoms of schizophrenia??? Am I losing my mind??? Is it possible that this can just be due to over drinking, sleep deprivation and resurfacing traumas?!

Lack of sleep, heavy drinking, promiscuity, auditory hallucinations all sound to be common symptoms. I find voices are our conscience or psyche amplified. Are you medicated? Lack of sleep is the worst for my illness. I also drink in moderation now. Hangovers can cause severe depression and interfere with meds.