*TW* It all just seems futile *TW*

First, I'd just like to say I'm not really expecting any sort of "solution" or answer. I'm literally just here to vent and possibly level with other folks. With that out of the way, I'm a paranoid schizophrenic who suffers auditory hallucinations pretty much daily starting from when I wake up until I fall asleep. I also have the common thoughtbroadcasting thing, and the delusion that I'm always "bugged"/being watched. I guess I just came to find out how others deal with this? Because I'm nearing the end of my rope. Not really even seeing a possibility of recovery. The only things I really feel anymore are anger and depression. Literally haven't had one day of silence since this all started. And I'm not completely sure what I did to bring it on. I've pretty much lost all my friends (you folks are it ), don't really wanna see family, and I'm almost at the point where I wanna say ###$ my doctor. I'm tired of being told "You follow the regiment that I give you and everything will be okay." But when? And I'm just sick of waiting. I've put so much ######6 pressure on everyone around me I can't help but think suicide is a legit answer. And I can't even bring myself to do it. I find it hard to even socialize with strangers anymore. As soon as I'm through socializing I just hallucinate the familiar voice. It makes me hate everyone I come into contact with even if it isn't real. This even happens with people I "care" about (air quotes cuz I hardly trust anyone anymore, but I sincerely want to). I realize this is all completely negative, and although I've had periods of nearly recovering back to my former self, I find my self constantly relapsing and then withdrawing immediately after looking for the nearest thing to ###$ me up beyond my senses. My point is, this bitching isn't for nothing. I've given it a shot. Multiple shots actually. And it just seems so ######6 pointless. If there's someone out there with a success story when it comes to recovery I'd ######6 love to hear all about it. Thanks

What helped me the most is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Mindfulness. I still hear voices and I still have delusional thoughts, but now I have the skills and the tools to cope with them.

I even bought CBT textbooks and read them cover to cover after counseling therapy with a psychologist came to an end because of insurance issues. They are still my go to self help books to this day. I also bought some Mindfulness books with lots of practice exercises and CD with an audio version of some of the main execises. You can probably find most of the popular Mindfulness exercises online. Very helpful with this. Another branch of CBT is called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) that is also very helpful with voices. You can find textbooks for it, too. Read them and absorb the information and put it to use. It will help you so much to deal with this. With or without a therapist.

If there's someone out there with a success story when it comes to recovery I'd ######6 love to hear all about it.

Hi Jarsto, I know you wrote this over a month ago, but it gave me a lot to think about. I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder 6 years ago when I was starving, practically homeless and distrustful of everyone. I checked myself into the hospital (I knew this wasn't my normal "depression" diagnosis) and found a supportive team of doctors and nurses who put me on the right path. My parents let me live with them. I applied for SSDI but didn't get it. I started working as a greeter at a retail store because I had nothing to do and needed a job to pay my medical bills.

Fast forward 6 years. I have not been hospitalized since 2011. I am in an IT master's degree program and work for an IT company. I just applied for an internship for a defense contractor. My only concern is that it requires a clearance and I'm not 100% sure I will get it due to my diagnosis. I am hopeful because since I have been stable for so long and compliant with doctor's orders they may give it to me. But the past 6 years have been like that. Being told I can't do something (I was told by the psychologist who diagnosed me I would never work again) and now I go full-time work and school. I am exhausted but it is a good kind of tired. I work hard every day but I feel I am doing something right. I also recently started an exercise program with the goal of losing 14 pounds of fat. I have not lost weight yet but I have dropped a pants size.

As for my medications, I am on Zyprexa (5 mg), buspirone (15 mg x 3 daily) and Wellbutrin SR (150 mg x 2 daily.) But my biggest "medication" has been being a productive member of society. I occasionally have seen therapists for temporary issues but the psychiatrist doesn't think I need one full-time. I do a lot of self-help stuff. Currently, I'm reading "Re-create Your Life" because it was $3 on Amazon. It seems to be helping. Someone else suggested CBT and I've found that helps, too. I suggest trying everything you can find in self-help until you start seeing progress. Start exercising -- even if it's just a 15-minute walk every day -- and you will feel the endorphins start lifting your mood. See your doctor and therapist and take your meds. If you feel they aren't working, don't say they're not working, describe your day and exactly how they make you feel/don't feel. Also, write it down; doctors are visual people. Try religion or spirituality; even if you're an atheist there is stuff out there for you, no belief in god(s) required.

Getting well probably will be the hardest thing you will ever do but it will also be the most rewarding. You don't want to waste your life by killing yourself or wondering, "What if?" Start today by writing down a contract (signed by you and your medical team) that you will not commit suicide and start the road to recovery. Live the healthiest life possible, do what your doctor says, and do something productive with your time, even if it's just hygiene/cleaning up your mess. When your voices bother you, tell them, "So what?" and when they respond, remind yourself that your voices are just parts of you that need to be healed. As you get better, you will attract better and better people who will like you for you. You'll even like yourself again. I have a great boyfriend, a supportive family, and several close friends. This took years, but not that many years. I mean, I never thought I would have all this 6 years ago when I was homeless. But I do. And so can you.

Please don't give up on yourself. The most powerful person in your corner is you.