*TW* Schizoaffective Bipolar type *TW*

TRIGGER WARNING

I have alwaysfelt a little off. I would see dead people but I always just pushed it away as my imagination. I was always the smart kid and athlete but I had trouble committing to things I was so scared to try new stuff. I quit baseball and dropped out of college I just couldn't get over the voices telling me I would fail and Noone loves a failure. Then my grandpa died and we were really close he was a father figure to me. I was devastated I lost touch with everything and just gave in to depression. I wanted to kill myself but I couldn't do it and snapped myself out of it and I was better for about 2 years. I met and fell in love with a wonderful woman who I married. That was in 2011. July 2014 and I was 24 at the time, her grandma died who was living with us and it was the only grandma I ever knew and I snapped completely I started seeing dead people hearing them talking to me and other voices talking to me telling me to kill myself. I didn't know what to do so I told my wife and she took me to the hospital and they diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. once they told me what it was it all made sense with what all happened to me as a kid (being raped and molested and abused). I wax put on 20 different medicines but nothing helped. The paranoia got worse and I started yelling and accusing my wife of cheating on me every day until I took a handful of pills and my wife saw me and rushed me to the hospital. I stayed for 17 days and they just doped me on multiple pills I was a zombie and I hated it so I left. I came home and nothing changed I was still very paronoied and the abuse I put on my wife was still there I couldn't sleep I was afraid she was cheating so I stayed up and watched her. January of the following year we split up she couldn't handle it anymore. I moved back home and got on the invega shot and it helped so much. I told my wife how well I was doing and we decided to give it another try. I moved back and thought I was better so I said I didn't need go to the doctor anymore. I survived about 6 months until it started again but I was too afraid to tell anyone especially my wife so I faked it for another 6 months. But now it is getting too much again I heard my phone talking to me and it was off idk what to think. I hear voices and see things that aren't really there I know because I ask my wife and aunt. I have recently seen blood seeping out of the tv screen. I am not on medicine because we don't have insurance and I'm so worried. I don't know what to do. I'm sorry if this is confusing but I'm not in a good state right now.

Hi, welcome to the forums.

I went through a lot of the similar things that you did. I wasn't abused physically sexually, but I was mentally and emotionally. I started getting my symptoms in Early 2011, and I was diagnosed as Schizoaffective NOS in late 2013. I held the diagnoses of Psychotic disorder NOS and Mood Disorder NOS. I very, very recently had it changed to Schizoaffective Bipolar type.

I used to see arms and legs coming out of the wall and had shadow people running at me. I was hospitalized because I wanted to hurt people severely. I saw farm animals and had a voice talking to me.

The only advice I can really give you isn't good, seeing as how you're uninsured, but once you get insurance again, start seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist. Both worked wonders on me and I cannot praise them enough.

Best of luck to you.

I think you should go on meds. There are a few cheap options available. I live in Canada so I don't know how the prices are like in the states. Just looking at a few online websites, which typically show uninsured prices, you could go on a few. Haldol for instance, is 4 bucks a month, but that med has lots of side effects. Some people take it and don't experience anything bad. Olanzapine is a second generation anti psychotic with supposedly less side effects is available in generic form and pretty cheap too, about 10-15 bucks a month. That stuff will make you fat though. I honestly think olanzapine is a good option because its one of those meds that don't "jack you up" and makes you relax. Some people will still get bad extra pyramidal side effects from it though.

There are even programs that you can sign up that show you are not able to afford the medication, but can be given a large discount for because of your income. You can find them on the manufacturers website. Additionally to save money, you can invest in a pill splitter and buy like 20 mg of olanzapine for instance, and split it into 10 mg pieces. Some meds cost the same no matter the dosage. Just make sure the med you choose is okay to be split in half.

Just run to the family doctor and ask for some meds that don't break the bank. Here in Canada, you can even get prescribed anti psychotics from a general physician and I'm fairly sure its the same way in the states. No need for an expensive psychiatrist that you can't afford. You need to do something about it now or its just gonna get worst and you'll ruin your life. Get some meds in your system. Then afterwards, connect with mental health services in your community, but get ANY med in right now.

Personally, I would go with olanzapine because of my experience with it, it has no side effects really other than getting you fat and at risk of diabetes.