Schizophrenia negative symptoms: How do you vent?

Still not sure what I have, but basically, for the last four years, my brain's just been a progressively deteriorating jelly. Right now, the closest impression I've come across is just all the negative symptoms of schizophrenia, and I'm testing possible problems with mesocortical DA projection with Methylphenidate, and might eventually opt for an MRI ("The authors hypothesize that schizophrenia is characterized by abnormally low prefrontal dopamine activity (causing deficit symptoms) leading to excessive dopamine activity in mesolimbic dopamine neurons (causing positive symptoms)." http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/1681750)

Anywho, I'm in perpetual cognition purgatory, but there's nothing I can do about that outside of what I'm already working on. What I'm wondering is: I have so many days when everything is just so god-awful and I really need to talk to someone about it, and even if I didn't have absolutely no one in my life anymore, I still can't air-out any of the issue problems I'm going through since I can't stand my own thoughts. I feel like my brain is trying to claw it's way out of my head, but I'm still compelled to constantly tell my idiot thoughts to shut up. I have all these bad days because how stupid my brain's becoming, and I can't think through them, because of how stupid my brain's becoming. I'm stuck in a self-fulfilling prophecy of bad

I know I don't sound very dumb, but I had hours to write, re-read and touch up this one sub-standard post. I still have an idea of what I my thoughts should sound like even though I don't have them anymore, which is what make this a disorder as opposed to someone who's just never really was very word savvy.

Anything real-time feels like manslaughter

Err.. I feel like that might've sounded kinda pretentious.. It wasn't suppose to be.

Whenever I'm feeling that self-fullfilling bad energy I use music to distract my thoughts. Sometimes it can be really hard to focus on simple music so I turn to complex electronica, which has so many twists and beats that my mind can be enveloped by the music. Also recently started playing cello which can work to pull my entire attention away from those "idiot thoughts" which really need to learn to shutup

Reading a good book and getting lost in a story (videogame stories and movies are great too!) can distract me from those moods. I try to think that my sour mood is just a chemical imbalance sometimes, and that if I forget that I'm in a sour mood I might just cheer up... works wonders when I can pull it off!


This is what I've been listening to tonight to blow off steam:
http://youtu.be/SYD1oAffHNU?list=PLi7sw ... wzKgIqCdBt


Also feel free to private message me if you want to talk, I've been going through some of the same stuff lately... Life can be rough and talking about it with someone who 'truly empathizes' is a rare gift.

I lift weights everyday it seems to work wonders for relieving the stress that my disorder stores up inside me and reading for relaxation.No matter how bad you feel don't forget that you are not alone .That's what seems to make my bad times worse, the feeling that im the only one like this then I check out a sight like this and realize others are fighting to cope just like me.God Bless You