Confronting Schizophrenia

Today is the first time in 6 years I have spoken about hearing voices.... It started when I was 17 I use to smoke a lot of weed and I really believe that played a part in it... I grew up in foster care and had a very unstable and trauma filled life I was in group homes and psychiatric facilities for anything from fighting to running away to extreme violent anger and depression... My mom has a history of mental illness and drug abuse. But anyway I was in a foster home and I don't know why it started but I began to feel like EVERYONE literally the whole world hated me was watching me waiting to kill me like I was some horrible person that didn't belong in this world I began thinking when I fell asleep one day that a device was entered into my brain that could read my thoughts and people were sitting in a room somewhere saying EVERYTHING that was in my head to the point I would be STUCK in fear for hours making things up that they were saying. A lot of it was laughing and saying I was going to die and I was crazy and always a female saying "your sick" "she grew up in hospitals" in a disgusting unapproved voice ( I really believe is of my older sister who I never had a positive relationship with) also at the time they started I was beginning to age out of dss and see more of my family and I think somewhere in there I felt they disapproved of me and began hearing voices of my older brother and his wife) crazy I know but then there are random people in and out that I don't know who they are and a lot of times I can't figure out what they are saying it's not really loud more just annoying that it's there... I have been dealing with this unmediated for 6 years. I am jumping around all over the place because I have never tried to talk about this since they started.... but let me get back to the beginning so I began hearing these voices and I tried to tell people about them but (go figure) they couldn't hear them I mean I was CONVINCED that EVERYONE heard them and knew what was going on and there was some big plot against me I would go to restaurants and not want to eat because I thought people were poisoning my food.... What landed me in the hospital was when I was brought to the emergency room by my social worker and evaluated... I thought there was something in my brain that was inserted to make me hear these voices... I tried to run away from the hospital because I "wasn't crazy" and didn't understand why no one would just admit they heard them too (made me even more scared because I really believed people were following me and watching me) the police followed me and eventually I was transported to an adolescent facility where I refused any meds because I thought they were poison and the voices continued 24/7 365 for 6 years.... I think I became detached to them and thought if I ignored them they wouldn't try to kill me that they could "watch" me if they wanted and I would be part of their little test subject. I left the hospital when I turned 18 and stopped talking about them PERIOD to anyone whenever I smoked weed I would have panic attacks so I stopped. I met my ex boyfriend and we moved in together I told him bits and pieces but masked a lot of it all the time when I was with him I felt safe no anxiety paranoia nothing. At 19 I got pregnant and had my son my BIGGEST fear was losing him to the system and ending up in a psychiatric hospital so I really learned how to suppress the voices and battle with them literally every day and even right now as I'm writing they are repeating what I'm thinking inside my head.. I think a big part of me still believed until recently that they were real dilutions and people were still plotting against me for whatever reason but I tune them out and I really want to find a way to completely make them stop. I have maintained a job and an apartment since they started and people would never guess that I hear voices I have told no one until now for fear of embarrassment losing my son and ending in a psych ward I have been able to function in society minus many friends or social activities I'm really very depressed all the time and struggle with that 24/7 as we'll but I have always taken care of my son by myself and he is an awesome happy kid who has everything and I have managed to survive i just want to be healthy for him and stop feeling depressed and anxious all the time and I want these voices to go away...

Your delusions sound very similar to the kind I had in the past. Have you reconsidered taking medication now? Maybe they will help with the voices and the depression associated with them?

I hope you talk to a doctor now that you realize it's safe to take the meds. Being paranoid can be very depressing . I'm sure the voices are depressing for more than one reason as well. Maybe an anti-psychotic will help.

Youre very strong for going through all that. I wouldnt have made it six years without meds. Since youre functional, I seriously doubt any psychiatrist would put you in an institution. If you find someone, they will work with you to quiet the voices and paranoia. Sometimes they go away completely. Good luck anonymous!

I have experienced a lot of trauma early in life and I DEFINATELY have PTSD that I know and people have said bi polar I have talked to a therapist over the years but never spoke about the voices for fear of getting locked up... When I was in group homes I saw a lot of other girls "age out" and get sent to adult wards that they stayed at for years.. I think I suppressed a lot of the fear and became numb to it and have always told myself if Nything bad was going to really happen to me (if they were real) they would have hurt me already... Most of the time I can't understand what their saying it's like faint conversations about me and I'll hear laughter or a word and then what I'm thinking they will repeat so I use to think people could read my minds basically but my son is getting older and I know they are not real but I have a lot of social problems that I hate feeling a lot of anxiety and some paranoid though I tell myself it's not real and I want to be a better mother... A few months ago I was prescribed Abilify when I was having a really bad depression phase and tried for 2 weeks but the side effects sucked so I stopped but I am going to try and actually go back and tell the guy what's really go on I just pray they don't try and force me into a hospital or something.

ashc wrote:Your delusions sound very similar to the kind I had in the past. Have you reconsidered taking medication now? Maybe they will help with the voices and the depression associated with them?

I hope you talk to a doctor now that you realize it's safe to take the meds. Being paranoid can be very depressing . I'm sure the voices are depressing for more than one reason as well. Maybe an anti-psychotic will help.

Yes I want to take medicine to make them go away it is getting so frustrating and depressing that i fear I'll be like this forever and I have a million other reasons why I'm depressed but I have always been scared to take any kind of medicine I don't want to become addicted and feel high all the time but at this point I need to do something

I also have kids (3 and 4) and I try to keep them isolated from my sz. They are a big reason that I haven't cut in about 4 years. I wouldn't worry about becoming addicted to medication. The major long lasting side affects are usually insomnia and anxiety so if you were to stop your meds you'd get those symptoms and whatever symptoms come back after discontinuing your meds. Medications aren't everything though. Some people don't respond to medication at all. Like me. The only medication I'm on that really helps is clonazopam which is for anxiety. I haven't found one to help with dilusions and hallucinations so If you can find one that works for you that'd be great. Don't just try to handle it on your own because your voices or symptoms are just going to wear you down to the point of doing something crazy or dangerous. See a therapist at the very least so you can offload some things.

Anonymous915 wrote:

ashc wrote:Your delusions sound very similar to the kind I had in the past. Have you reconsidered taking medication now? Maybe they will help with the voices and the depression associated with them?

I hope you talk to a doctor now that you realize it's safe to take the meds. Being paranoid can be very depressing . I'm sure the voices are depressing for more than one reason as well. Maybe an anti-psychotic will help.

Yes I want to take medicine to make them go away it is getting so frustrating and depressing that i fear I'll be like this forever and I have a million other reasons why I'm depressed but I have always been scared to take any kind of medicine I don't want to become addicted and feel high all the time but at this point I need to do something

You won't get high from the medication. Anti-psychotics won't get you high. I don't know if they'll help or not, but it's worth a try. Therapy might help too; it might help explain the negativity of the voices. It might help with the depression. I hope you talk to someone.

Johnny5 wrote:I also have kids (3 and 4) and I try to keep them isolated from my sz. They are a big reason that I haven't cut in about 4 years. I wouldn't worry about becoming addicted to medication. The major long lasting side affects are usually insomnia and anxiety so if you were to stop your meds you'd get those symptoms and whatever symptoms come back after discontinuing your meds. Medications aren't everything though. Some people don't respond to medication at all. Like me. The only medication I'm on that really helps is clonazopam which is for anxiety. I haven't found one to help with dilusions and hallucinations so If you can find one that works for you that'd be great. Don't just try to handle it on your own because your voices or symptoms are just going to wear you down to the point of doing something crazy or dangerous. See a therapist at the very least so you can offload some things.

Thank you I started Abilify about 2 weeks ago and feel a lot better now than I did when I wrote this post... The voices seem fainter and are harder to understand and I've had a bit more energy but then again I've always gone through phases... Hopefully while continuing taking it they'll go away. I started on 1 mg for a week than 2 for a week and now I'll start 2.5 for a week and go to 5mg I'm praying and trying to stay positive and deal with my anxiety that comes with it thank you to everyone who posted