Merry-go-round, I want off!

I was diagnosed with schizophrenia about this time last year, it wasn't final but is highly likely.

I had problems taking my medication, I didn't remember wether i had or hadn't or just wasn't aware/forget that the medication was to be taken.
Resulting in an unfair trial, Infact i never picked up my prescription since.

I was happy enough thinking ###$ that i don't need medication, afterall i would know it's myself we are talking about! It all felt fimilar i've been here before...

... I lost acceptance, started thinking this can not be what your average human goes through. I was questioning myself, lost was the person that thought she had it all together was fine thinking life is a rollercoaster.

I then came to the conclusion... Time will tell!

I haven't seen a shrink since January, but i've wanted to i can't deal with me all the time. I don't have anyone i want to run to when im suffering. I deal in my own way knowing one day in the future i will be back on top and will accept it's a roller coaster ride.

I wish someone knew everything and give an honest opinion, but i prevent any chance of that happening i'm to busy protecting myself.

There's things i haven't told my shrink (because i couldn't accept it.)

Now i am stuck and not sure what to do

When i was visiting my shrink i admitted/had signs:
paranoid delusions and delusions of reference, Anxiety, lack of interest in life, low motivation and lack of interest or ability to socialize with other people.


I have started noticing/finally admitting i do the following:
Delusions of grandeur, Disorganized speech/thinking, Grossly disorganized behavior and Catatonic behaviors.

Grossly disorganized behavior was the one sympton that i can SEE is actually going on every routine a human needs it dosn't exist for me but who can get the courage to admit they struggle to clean, brush teeth, eat , sleep etc. you get my drift.


Acceptance is confusing my mind

You may think what was my point in this post, well there isn't one i just needed to tell someone what i had been keeping in.

You hang in there.

Cheers, I try my best too!

Gets hard when everything is same $#%^ different day.

Bit hard to escape from,

I really am alone,

I'm selective about people i would talk to and that involves no-one in my life right now.

Say i was to talk to someone, I protect myself and minimalise the problem and can never admit to a problem when it's happening.
Fault being when i admit a problem I'm not in a vulnerable state anymore because it's months later.

I can't share what i'm feeling with anyone.