A page in blog wanted to share, new here.

I just spent all day yesterday and all morning today in bed. I felt so depressed. On top of it my washing machine broke down. I hate work. I have tonight and two full days of work coming up and I'm worried I'll get flaky with full days, ususally I just do a few hours but they needed me or something. It's so awful when people won't do surveys. The house is a bit of a mess. I need to get up and take a shower and walk the dog. I feel like I've way overslept and I still want to crawl back into bed. I know I should be more positive. The weather has only just changed to cold here, maybe it's just coping with that suddenly and having had the flu last week really badly - I've felt a bit run down since then. I hate the cold. We had to put the doona on the bed. I'm having a party on Saturday for my birthday. I've got a new wrinkle on my mouth that there's not much you can do about. First it was my eyes then my frown, then my cheeks and then my mouth. I wage war against them but I can't afford my favourite creams at the moment. At least I can buy myself a new pair of docs or some boots of some kind for winter, I'll have to I need some, they'll be a good investment and should last a few years. 'Angela's Ashes' - read that if you want to be grateful.

I'm sorry for getting depressed, sometimes, I mean I have stuff that makes me feel lousy, and I'm not superman with some talent that overcompensates for it - better if I just didn't get depressed about it. It's not just that, I don't know exactly. I just find responsibilities really heavy sometimes and want to chuck everything in. I don't know why I respond so badly to pressure. I guess with my energy levels I get scared of being tired that's definitely part of it. And there's the thing with <em>doing</em> stuff and the old ergophobia.

Even though I had a nice day with friends at the markets and out for coffee on Saturday. I went to a party and I didn't know the people except for the girl that had it and they weren't really our type. Perhaps I've just had a few too many beers and pot. I don't know I took it pretty easy on that front on Saturday night but I got down then. I'll probably pick up soon.

I missed a lot of sleep on friday night just pottering around the house after getting home from dinner - perhaps I just needed to make it up. My medication's supposed to have mood enhancers in it, but lately I've come crashing sown from being really happy a couple of times - I don't know what's going on there. I wonder when I'll need to take it again - it said two to four weeks on the label - it's approaching two - or maybe three, I need to take it easy on how much because of the side effects without going over the edge and thinking psychotic I'll work it out. I definitely get depressed about the whole issue. There are worse people than me, less intelligent, well presented, thoughtful, kind, blah blah who have their sanity, it's really bad luck. And even writing it in my blog I just know someone will come along and read it and not look at me equally anymore and most friends I don't bother disclosing to.

There's been news that they might be putting psychology under medicare. Well I hope they bulk bill and I can finally have someone to have a winge to about what I've been through. Especially with the way the medication affects my sex life which has made me want a pretty gothic ending somedays. So maybe in a year when this comes in I'll get a choice of psychologist a depth psychologist maybe - I don't know hopefully there's be the choice to shop around. Probably if I'd had it in my teens I might not have ended up with such serious problems. You can't say that for sure though, especially when I notice my auntie has it - it might be genetic like they reckon, or from trying party drugs when I was younger or whatever, it doesn't matter, it's just dealing with it now.

When I went to the dental hospital I felt like such a scizophrenic on the dole. Getting coupons to get my wisdom tooth out. It's hard when you end up with a classification and it makes you feel ashamed. Even though it just happened, it's not a character trait! It's not my fault there's diseases on the planet and I got one. Or that Stigma is enhanced by criminally insane people in the media and so on. I wish they'd give me a slightly lighter diagnosis like borderline personality disorder or something - or simply change the label they should have a nicer word for fragile genius butterfly gals like me. I think I could deal with something a bit lighter and comprehendable to others. That didn't scare people. Because I'm not that bad, I'm pretty normal, so it's offensive getting judged for it. Although I don't know that I'd be just as apathetic without it or if that's part of it. I was pretty apathetic even before I got it and when I was in remisssion in my twenties, I found it hard to discipline myself to study and stuff. And I'm particularly talented at staring into space lol. But I'm just thinking - I'm ususally trying to think of something, like to motivate myself or dreaming up my next move or just musing, a lot of the time there's value in it afterall. So who knows if I'm just a bit hard on myself sometimes about it. I think it's partly my personality and partly aggravated by the schizophrenia and the medication. The medication makes you permanently tired. And I'm 35 next week! So I'm not quite as spritely anyway!

I'm having a BBQ on Easter Saturday. I just invited friends, I thought I'd do a family thing seperately, just in case we wanted to pump music and stuff that the oldies might find a bit basey. I should be looking forward to that. I thought I'd fix things up for it on thur and fri when I have time off. Maybe by then I'll be more excited. At the moment work is just looming before me for the next couple of days, but at least I'm rested up.

O well better gt up and at them I suppose, it's a bit better to have written. I think I can turn this mood 'round to a certain extent, I don't know if I'l ever know what to tell myself about the larger issues with my self esteem but at least I could get dressed and take the dog for a walk. Ori says everyone has bad days. it's important to remember that others suffer the same no matter how bizarre your life seems to be someone somewhere else feels it to, and maybe with spirit we can be free of it. I want to meditate today too.

In fact I feel if I could just <strong>work harder</strong> on my projects and in general that might compensate for everything and make me feel happier, so it's always comes back to that which is the main issue I've discussed in my blogs. Things to do, a few achievements. Dear Oh dear. will I ever get a work ethic together.

Listen, have a nice day

thanks for listening if you got this far.

From my blog
http://moon-blossom.blogspot.com/