What do you all think could be wrong with me?

Hi, I am new here so sorry if I am not doing this right. I am 18 years old, and I have become desperate for help and for answers. I have been struggling with slight paranoid delusions since I was little. I also talked to myself a lot. Like not even the normal talking, like full on conversations with myself. I sometimes lose grips on what is real and what isn't and start coming with characters in my head. I distanced myself a lot as a kid. Even in around 2nd to 3rd grade, I would panic about what is going on around me and what people might be thinking of me. Things like over reacting to small things, and worrying if someone wanted to hurt me or was thinking bad things about me. I absolutely can't do projects that require me to speak in front of large groups, I avoid people as much as I can, and with the few friends I do have, I talk to them as little as possible because I am so scared that they might really want to hurt me or care nothing for me. All of this led to poor self esteem, of course, but it made the talking a lot worse. I have tried talking to people about it before but the only reaction I got was, you're lonely, it will pass. I started talking to inanimate objects, not really expecting them to talk back, but almost as if it was a person, and then I answer myself. I can do this for hours not realizing it, and when I try and stop, I simply can't. I thought that if I ignored it, it would go away. I can keep myself up for days at a time, and it has gotten to where instead of doing it when I am alone, I am doing it constantly. It's all I can think about sometimes. I can't concentrate on my job, and I could never concentrate on school work leading to poor grades. It is seriously ruining my life. Within the last couple of years, I learned that not only do I talk to myself, but I have been having violent delusions when trying to drive. It makes me so nervous and shaky that I just can't do it. I have been trying to drive for two years now and I just can't stop panicking. I KNOW this isn't normal, but I can't afford help. I just want some idea of what is wrong with me. I have been told that maybe I am just depressed, but I don't really feel anything anymore. Just kind of numb if that makes sense.

I am not trained enough to tell you what could be wrong with you. I can however say this: My diagnosis is schizophrenia, and I had some very similar issues that you had.

I have been struggling with slight paranoid delusions since I was little.

I've always been paranoid. I don't remember much of my life at this point, but that's one thing I'm sure about.

I also talked to myself a lot. Like not even the normal talking, like full on conversations with myself.

I do that too. I don't have friends really, so I tell myself everything. I make up characters in my head and talk to them. Well, I shouldn't say they're made up. They're real people that I know, I'm just having conversations with them that I've never had before. I've noticed I get so into it that I will cry if they insult me. I'll laugh at loud if they say something funny. I'll love them if they say something sweet. I talk to them out loud, even though they don't answer out loud. So I appear to be talking to myself. I'm really not, I'm talking to them. I can't even stop it anymore, and I don't always realize I'm doing it. And, like yourself, I can go for hours in these conversations. Sometimes I get confused and think I've talked to someone about something already just because I imagine it and it seems so real. Although I don't believe talking to yourself is a sign of mental illness necessarily, I do believe it could be if you have a whole world of delusions and hallucinations that no one else can see you're talking to.

I have tried talking to people about it before but the only reaction I got was, you're lonely, it will pass.

I don't know if being so lonely can make you psychotic without having a psychotic background to begin with. Calling it loneliness and saying it will pass is hard to deal with. My mom always said to just get over it. More specifically, "Get over your bad self." It kills me so much that I don't even want to talk to her about the problems anymore. I'm kind of forced to though since I don't have anyone else to go to. But it's very condescending, at least to me it was. I hope you'll find a place to get cheaper help or something. I'm not going to lie, this kind of thing is very hard to deal with alone. And, as part of the disease we seek to be alone so that doesn't help anything. But medicine could make your life a lot more bearable if you can somehow see someone to get yourself checked out. I know that supplemental security income is helpful to people who have a diagnosis and can get it.

If you ever need to talk, feel free to send me a message or something. I know how hard it can be trying to get all the answers...

Awww. well first off I hate that it costs so much damn money to try to fix these kinds of problems, and that it's ruining your life.

You need to talk to people more, because most people will SAY what is on their mind. They're usually not gonna think bad stuff about you but say good stuff.

That way you will realize that people are not thinking bad stuff about you. If they were, they would say it!

Don't avoid people altogether! Just let the right ones in!

The #1 thing is not to be afraid. Concentrate on the big stuff. Make yourself lists, put them by your nightstand. Think to yourself, what important things do I need to do today? Then check them off as you do them. This will help you be more goal-oriented and worry less about the minor details. Then as you accomplish more, you'll get a boosted sense of self-esteem because you will be able to see the fruits of your labor!

Who do you live with?

You said you can't drive....how do you get around?

Also, if all else fails, don't judge your friends necessarily by what they think or say, remember that actions speak louder than words. Think about the kind things they have done for you in the past, the time they've spent, the gifts they've given!

I don't know you, but I wish you love and happiness.