Hi everyone

Hi, im new here. i dont mean to come across as rude but i came to this forum out of desperation to be honest I have no one to go to. I'm 20 and I was diagnosed with schizophrenia at 16. I wont list the symptoms I think most of you know them already. I've recently been discharged from counselling and therapy and was taken off my meds. Thing is, I feel like I'm back at square one, all over again. I'm in a relationship and have been for the last 4 years, so basically my hubby got with me KNOWING I have this illness, yet he just doesn't understand. I can't go to him about it. I've tried so so hard to keep him involved, even my psychotherapist gave him sooo much info about schizophrenia, i mean booklets and pages of it and he just doesn't get it. He also doesn't get that I have NO ONE else, no one to relate to. So now its like I'm totally keeping him out of it, and I hate it because this is a huge part of my life and it always will be. He thinks I'm getting better but I'm not, I just cannot respond to the voices in front of him anymore (i guess its good that i have some control though) and I've told him that but he just doesn't get it, it's so frustrating. There is no one I trust more than him and I need him more than ever right now. I feel like I'm lying to him and myself; he doesn't even ask about the voices or anything, it's really frustrating and I feel like I'm going to explode. Its like he actually doesn't care. I can't control my anger lately, I'm becoming more and more withdrawn again with my health and my hygiene and I feel worthless and disgusting. Although the voices are evil to me, I obey them because I sometimes feel they are all I have. Does anyone else ever get like this? My self esteem is extremely low to the fact I can't look in a mirror without hating my appearance and crying about it. They basically make me feel like I want to kill myself, even though I don't. I feel like my thoughts aren't even being controlled by me sometimes, idk it's just so weird.

My hallucinations are so weird, I see two people, a man and a woman. Mark and Sophie are their names, I don't who they them I have never met them before, but I joined an ICT class a couple of weeks ago and there is a dude there called Mark and he *IS* the dude I hallucinate. I thought it could be coincidence but no. Same name, same features, same voice, Same everything. When i first seen him i was i was extremely frightened, everytime he spoke or walk past me or even looked at me it sent shivers down my spine. I don't even know if that can happen but I freaked out. and he is definitely is real, everyone in the class was speaking to him. this is why I need my hubby ATM, but I can't tell him this he'd think I'm lying or that I'm weird and it just sounds crazy and I feel like I'm going crazy. Most of all I just want someone I can turn to. I have episodes regularly and some are worse than others but I feel like I'm going into a bad one. I feel the urge to start cutting myself just like the voices tell me to, I feel like everyone is out to get me, I have recurring nightmares that everyone is out to get me. I take pictures down off the wall and cover things up because i genuinely believe there are cameras hidden in them. i cant walk anywhere or do anything without feeling like I'm being followed and spied on. I just can't cope. And I need a friend right now, more than ever.

This probably doesn't even make sense to anyone but it does to me. And I really needed to tell someone besides myself.

I don't know what to do.

Hi Danielle and welcome.

I haven’t experienced these things but I can see where you are coming from and why you are feeling distressed by your situation and frustrated with your husband. Maybe putting your thoughts down in writing and giving it to him would help him understand more? I hope someone with more personal experience of what you are going through can add more but I really wanted to let you know I read what you wrote and care about what you are going through. I hope it helped some to write it out here.

I've recently been discharged from counselling and therapy and was taken off my meds.

How did that happen? Did your insurance run out? It sounds like you could really benefit from getting help again. Is there any way you can see your mental health team? If you can find one, a local support group could benefit you as well.

Sending *hugs* and best wishes,
Jan

Hello Jan, thanks for replying.

She thought I was able to cope and deal with it on my own, she was part of a mental health team and the course was supposed to be for 3 years but at one point I was such a danger to myself and other people she was so concerned and she kept me on for an extra year. I guess she felt I was ready to be discharged? I disagreed, I knew myself I clearly can't cope with it but she insisted. I guess I don't want to go back to her now because of that.

As for explaining to hubby, I could but I don't think he can seem to take it in. It's weird because he is extremely intelligent. Like when I had a therapy session I used to have to FORCE him to stay home with me (she used to drive to my house), he'd say something like "oh no this is your personal time I'll just go on a drive for an hour or so until she's gone, text me when she's gone home" and I'd respond with "but I need you to be a part of this with me" and he just wouldn't. So I told her that he doesn't understand and that's when she got him the booklets. It just seems like it's going to be a waste of time.

Thanks for your response I appreciate it <3

Gosh, it’s not good how one person can get you cut off from everything - counseling, therapy and meds – at once. There must be an appeals process? I know it’s probably a pain in the neck to go that route but it’s probably worth looking in to.

It sounds like you need a release.

Start talking to the voices if that's what finally makes your husband notice. Do not do things that make you uncomfortable.

Hey guys, thanks. I could do that... but what if he thinks I've gone completely crazy? I really don't want to be getting admitted to hospital again that was an awful period of my life. I just don't know. I may go to the doctors on my day off, but I'm only just getting my work/education life back on track. I've been down as "not fit for work" for the last 4 years and it's driven me insane tbh.

I can't win.

Sorry if this is bumping an old topic. It's been over 2 months and just wanted to give y'all an update...

In a nutshell, I cracked up. Me & hubby split and now I'm back on my therapy and my meds. Actually the doctor specifically put me on haloperidol and quite a high dose of it. 500mg... twice a day. Kinda scary. I have a reassessment next week which I'm pretty anxious about, I just hope I don't relapse too badly.

Thanks for the advice though guys, shame it ended this way. What a waste of 4 years. >_<

Thank you for the update. I’m glad you came back but sorry to hear your relationship has ended. Marriage can be difficult for anyone, but add being pretty young and dealing with sz; it’s a tough combination for sure. I hope meds/therapy stabilize things and you continue to get better from here. *hugs*