The Mother Kill

my mother actually died from cancer when i was four.

well this explains a lot...

Hi sky. My mother went back and forth between domineering, manipulating and cheerful, helpful. So I don't know what to think about my mother. She did have a tendency to interfere with whatever romantic interests I had and was very discouraging.

Many years ago, a coworker and I had a grip fest about our mothers. As I explained the weirdness that was her (she died in 2007), coworker began to look thoughtful. "Isn't there a word for that?" she asked.

I went home and pulled up the online DSM and went directly to Schizoid Personality Disorder. I don't know why. It listed six or seven symptoms. I thought about mom and was able to check off every one except the one about sexuality (didn't know anything about that). I was blown away; this explained a lot. (I don't think they continued that diagnostic criteria in the latest DSM. The list was something like, emotional coldness, limited emotional expression (positive or negative), takes pleasure in very few activities, prefers solitary activities, does not create or long for close relationships, indifferent to either praise or criticism. Check, check, check.)

I copied/pasted the list into an email that I sent to my sister with the Subject line: "Does this remind you of anyone we know?" She understood immediately.

Mom didn't alternate between any two behavior types. She was never intrusive or domineering. If there ever was a textbook schizoid, she was it. The only twist in her relationship with me was codependence. I was five years old the first time I felt like I was responsible for her. I was heading off to kindergarten and was worried about what she would do all by herself while I was gone. I told her that she was to take a nap in the afternoon. It was only about two years ago that I was told that feeling guilty about someone is a reliable indicator of codependence. When she died, the only thing I felt was relief. I smiled all through her memorial service.

(Oh, but there was the alcoholism. Dad was the identified problem drinker, but mom blacked out every night. She didn't deny blacking out; she just said she didn't remember anything after 6:00 pm because she was "tired.")

I have often thought that my older sister (who had complicated relationships with both our parents) has more pain, but less damage. I think this because she has created an apparently happy long-term marriage, a wide circle of supportive friends, a reasonably successful career, and five happy adult children. (Her relationship with me is deeply dysfunctional reflection of hers with mom, and she refuses to take a look at that, but that is neither here nor there.) On the other hand, I have perhaps less pain (although that seems to be changing) but lots more damage. I've been unable (to be more honest, unwilling in a deepdown way) to have romantic-type relationships, long-lasting or not, and depression and a generally immature take on life and friendships mean my career has not been a steady climb. And that leads me to this ...

On that thought (only because it's occurred to me and I'd like to incorporate it into the topic), this "need" I describe as the "black hole". It is an insatiable, intangible, irreconcilable pain or hunger that can never be appeased. It drains anyone I am in contact with, save for those few humans on the planet that you might can "supermen/superwomen". In various therapy situations I have been called a "black hole of energy", "sucking the energy of the group away", "possessing black or dark energy" to the point that it's disruptive to the group and I am sent away, though what I've done there is literally nothing... no speaking or anything beyond just being there. But still my nothingness is so palpable as to be destructive...?

Wow. That brings tears to my eyes. I have been called a black hole and an energy suck - although the person saying it was such a mess her own self that it didn't bother me much. And fortunately, I was not sent away. (Geez, skyschizoid. That's brutal. What kind of therapy group sends anyone away??) But it did stay with me, and I began, slowly, to notice what I seem to require of others. (Along the way, I was diagnosed with avoidant PD, which also explained a lot.)

As I've acknowledged the inner black hole -- although come to think of it, mine has always seemed more gray than black -- I've gradually stopped asking others to be my mother. This has kind of improved my friendships, but I still feel like $#%^. Like you, skyschizoid, I feel completely and utterly alone. There is no one to help, no one to keep company during the tough times. Bleak. Scary. Depressing.

I've practically written a novel here, haven't I?

One last note: I understand where onecontent is coming from. I don't approve, but I get it. onecontent and others like him/her don't understand how profoundly disrespectful such thinly veiled religious advice really is. From onecontent's perspective, he/she is not only offering you (and all of us who read this thread) the only true solution to anything, she (what the hell) is required to do so by her holy scriptures. That it is irrelevant and hurtful doesn't occur to her, and if it did, she would blame you for feeling hurt. It would be a symptom of your deeper, um "problem." So maybe this is obvious to everyone, but as a former bible-thumper, I had to say it. Don't shoot me.

Hello all!

I came back to this thread after I received a private message that thanked me for posting what I did. That person "got" what I wrote about being possessed.

Lerpa,

I must admit that I do not understand how posting my true feelings and experiences was profoundly disrespectful; everyone else posted theirs. I am unclear as to how I invalidated anyone else's experience. I don't don't blame anyone for being hurt - I just don't understand why you would be. Remember that I too have schizoid personality disorder and as such have an empathy deficit.

As for having "the only true solution" , the only thing that occurs to me is that my having a solution might be hurtful to people who wish to CONTINUALLY wallow in their pain and want others to CONTINUALLY be miserable with them. I am not saying that those who swore and me and ripped me necessarily feel that way because I have no way of knowing. The fact is, Lerpa, I have the same "deeper problem" as my detractors and worse and I could not solve my problem. I needed a relationship with someone who could understand and address my problems. [Insert bible-thumping come to Jesus spiel here.]

What I do know is that my relationship with my parents has improved. Seven years have passed since I first posted. I had to forgive and to see where I contributed to the problem. I hope my detractors can say the same about their relationships. I would like for them to share how they addressed the issues in their lives. Prayer and forgiveness worked for me. I hope my detractors have moved forward in their lives since 2009.

I beg the forgiveness of those of you who might be offended by this post. This is not meant to be "thinly veiled religious advice" or an arrogant dismissal of my detractor's opinions. This is who I am. Christ empowers me to function despite having schizoid personality disorder.

My mother gives me the creap. Simple as that. Either she is very low IQ or she is a sociopat. Does not make much difference too me.

She i running her family "cult", where anyone who is straying from the house rules, is being put too shame and ignored. (Like I care).
The "cult" members are;
my older brother aka. "The black smoke" who is super avodiant and have a sadistic history towards me. He is soo full of regrets and bitterness that I actualy fear him. Super unsecure dude.
My younger brother, his body is damaged from the alcohol abuse my mom had while pregnent with him. His farther din't like him cause he is blond and my mother and his farther is not, go figure.
Third brother, my mothers darling. Get soo much love and atention, only too feel the karma in the end. Can't say it surprices me.
The boyfriend is a shellshock, but loaded with money. Super hysterical and his big speedboat reminds me of how small his penis is.

Makes me sick just too think about her.

skyschizoid wrote:I do not hate my mother.

I hate the woman that claims to be my mother.

I do not hate the woman as a being.

I hate the role.

I hate the lie.

I HATE HER.

I hate the lie she tells herself, the world, and me... that she is my mother.

I hate the lie that the world would believe... that she is my mother.

She is not.



"Retrospective assessment suggests that patients with schizoid personality disorder often have histories of grossly inadequate, cold, or neglectful early parenting, which often began early in life. Psychodynamic theories suggest that these traumatic experiences create an expectation that relationships will not be gratifying and a subsequent defensive withdrawal from others" (Gunderson & Philips, pg. 1445).

"Intrusive mothering, detached fathering." RealMentalHealth.com

"The schizoid's early experience is that mother is not reliable, usually because she is alternatively intrusive and abandoning. Mother not only cannot tolerate, contain, and guide the child's affects (e.g., need, anger, exuberance, even love), she finds them threatening and overwhelming and treats them as toxic. These mothers usually become overwhelmed because of their own depression, life situation, or characterological issues; often they do not have the support they need to meet the child in intensive affective states and to stay with him or her until the affect has run its course. Clearly, the problem is with the mother, not with the child.

However, the infant or child's experience is that his or her life forces and vitality appear to kill mother—or at least the connection to and relationship with mother. If a young child has a tantrum and mother withdraws to her room for three days, the child's reality is that he or she has emotionally killed mother. And, of course, killing mother would make the infant's life impossible as he or she cannot live without a parent.

The legacy for the child is that his or her life force threatens mother, which is equivalent to the child experiencing that "my life threatens my life." Anything from within, even some- thing good, turns bad and destructive with exposure. The only hope is to keep everything inside and thus invisible. The child must, at all costs, avoid causing total emotional abandonment by or intrusion and annihilating counterattack from mother. Therefore, the child suffers isolating himself or herself to avoid an even more devastating deprivation—the loss of the mother and the child's relationship with her. Unfortunately, this leaves the child with a huge hunger that cannot be satisfied, a hunger that is projected onto the mother, who is then seen as devouring. And a mother who actually does devour makes this even more real and frightening." -Psychotherapy of Schizoid Process Gary Yontef
http://www.psychologytribe.com/schizoid.pdf



I don't even know how to begin to weep for the death of myself at the hands of my mother. I can only stare outwards into an unspeakable abyss of hollow barren expanses, where there is NOTHING. And there is NO ONE.

And know that I am, and always will be... alone.

hmmm. I did not know my mother growing up- I was an at birth adoption. I did seek her out my freshman year of college. We arranged to meet through letters- I met her at a wedding (funny I know). When I met her we were both nervous- I felt nothing for her except a painful confusion. I was already a schizoid personality. I saw her a few more times then stopped. The misery we were causing one another was unbearable. Not seeing her caused me to want to kill myself. I did try to kill myself in college but I survived and that is the past. Years later My biological brother sent me a message 'mother' had died. He said he was sick and going into the hospital after arranging our mothers funeral. He died exactly one week later. It felt like extinction for a moment. I will say- My SPD protected me when they died.

Therefore, the child suffers isolating himself or herself to avoid an even more devastating deprivation—the loss of the mother and the child's relationship with her. 

For me this is real and Im 100% convinced that if I had been left with my mum I wouldnt be as fkd in the head as I feel right now. This is what I know for sure read from my file When I was 9 months old DCP took me away from my parents. The main reason being was my abusive father, they said he was physically violent not just towards mother but towards my brother and myself. What I will never understand is why mother never got a second chance even though dad was now locked up and waiting for deporatation, even though she fought so hard for us, 6 years in and out of courts and always given false hope by the social workers and at the end of it all I was still placed under an 18 year order. If they took me away for my protection then why was I placed into a dozen different foster homes and units moved around so much told I was unwanted because I was too naughty or too loud or too this or too that. Up until now i hated and despised my mum so much. A few carers got angry whenever i called my mum "mum" they told me her name was Kay and that shes not my mum, cause if she was she would be looking after me, not them. I wont go too much into the mental physical emotional abuse i suffered under state care all im gonna say is im convinced i wouldnt be as in the head if i hadnt been ripped from my mum at such a young age. Because of my early hatred towards my mother a relationship is something we never really had, its a little too late now.
I hate everybody I hate myself, my bed is my bestfriend I dont want to leave it, i dont wanna go out, i dont wanna answer the door or my phone, i feel like this is it theres no more to life, i never asked to be born so WHY AM I STILL HERE HURTING? It makes me sick and ashamed whenever i think of my life, i was kidnapped, violated by the government & DCP and for so long i blamed mum no wonder she hated me at the end, she tried so hard and i threw it right back in her face can u imagine how it feels to have your child taken away and theres nothing absolutely nothing you can do about it..