Dating the schizoid man -- help!

I just have a suggestion for a possible way to get over the mental disconnect, which sounds more like a mental block to me. Keep in mind that this is completely theoretical and so may not work. What you could have him do is instead of making him say the complimentary and loving things you want to hear, you can have him express it in a different way. My original idea was for him to make a gesture, like waving his hand or something, when he was thinking those things but couldn't say them, but I'm sure there's plenty of different ways to do it: that he suggest a certain dinner for that night, or ask a specific question (even if it doesn't relate to the compliment or whatever), etc. This is the best compromise I can think of.

Now, the reason I say it may not work is that his mental disconnect may expand to encompass any kind of physical acknowledgement of what he's thinking (since words do count as a physical acknowledgement). Again, it's the best compromise I can think of. It has its shortcomings in that you won't ever know specifically what he's trying to say (unless you make distinctions for endearments, compliments, etc., I suppose). But it's worth a try.

(I have no idea how old this thread is, and I don't care. I found this via a search engine)

Among other problems, such as ADD (diagnosed) and depression (undiagnosed, but depression is easy to see), I have a strong feeling I might be schizoid. Yea right, you say, such a rare and unheard of disorder, and you're sure you have it? Well, yes. As easily as someone knowing they have depression, because the symptoms are all there, the disorder is just a name.

People with schizoid personality disorder often are reclusive, organizing their lives to avoid contact with other people. Many never marry and continue to live with their parents as adults. The following are additional traits of people with this disorder:

• They do not desire or enjoy close relationships, even with family members.
• They choose solitary jobs and activities.
• They take pleasure in few activities, including sex.
• They have no close friends, except first-degree relatives.
• They have difficulty relating to others.
• They are indifferent to praise or criticism.
• They are aloof and show little emotion.
  
• They might daydream and/or create vivid fantasies of complex inner lives.

Not just some of these are true. Every single one!

My family gave me plenty of love as a child, so the common origin story in most psych journals about an unloving family wasn't true (also, it doesn't seem to hold water, since if your family didn't love you why would you stay with them). Rather, it was everyone else. I used to be able to fit in social settings, but over time developed this. How? Well, we moved alot. My dad's a priest, so I'd pick up and move about the time I started to really connect with people in the town. At age 14, I became a little like this (after the first major move), between school and bed I had zero friends, and spent all my time after homework watching TV or playing video games. My sister encouraged me to try to hold conversations with girls (using some sort of reward if I could hold a 5 min one), and I sorta got into trying to have something vaguely resembling romance. I say vaguely resembling, because there seemed to be a common tie in all of these, they ended up with me talking alot about my past (but not really sharing any of my feelings) with them just listening, they were much closer to a friendship than anything romantic (no dates, no risks, few to no public confessions of love), and they usually turned out to have (or soon procured) a boyfriend. After about the third or fourth of these, I realized I was choosing them for their emotional unavailability to me.

I also have trouble holding a job, because I'm secretive, and can't get through the interview process. I end up picking jobs that are so part-time I can spend time with family, volunteer so I don't need to commit to them, or largely just me and the boss (or just me, as my own boss). What woke me up to this, however, was not jobs or dates, or even some of my depression. It was becoming an uncle. I was asked to hold my nephew, and I froze. I literally froze, realizing that him being a stranger, looking at me with these wide eyes that see everything, I was afraid. I'm afraid of heights too, but this was different. I knew I had a problem, and I hunted down every personality disorder, until I found one that had matching symptoms.

I live at home at 30, spending most of my nights up until 2 or 3am watching TV or playing computer games. You have no idea how lucky you are to have a boyfriend like this, since the average schizoid is hard-pressed to find any sort of love (I assume you did the asking). It is a much different feel than having a regular boyfriend, more like having a roommate or something.

Things that work/don't work for a schizoid, I've found out through experiences with my parents. Shoving them in full-force or trying to change them usually results in them heading for the door (although, they don't tend to get mad, they tend to subtly create distance when you do something wrong). Just as becoming to intimate emotionally freaks them out, so does trying to run their life or make them a certain way. The point about enabling them made above holds true though. You shouldn't mother him, but rather let him know what you want from him, what you'd like from him but don't need, and what about him you'd be willing to accept. Schizoids aren't avoidant, they can handle social situations. I've done work on a play (backstage and construction, directly meeting people is a different story), and after the play we had a karaoke thing, which I actually joined in. My parents go on various social outings and vacations, because well, they're social people (my mom's more like me to a lesser extent), and they ask me "do you want to go?" Create opportunities for social behavior, the boyfriend won't always take them and this is okay. Let him know they are there, and it's cool. Your friends can be his friends.

Well, this entire thing sounds like... my relationship. Except from my girlfriend's point of view.

At the beginning he was very physically okay with things and just... stopped when we got closer. Just worry that it's something wrong with me and that he'll be fine and dandy if he dates someone else. I don't know.

This probably happens because, as the others said, just like an alcoholic looking for an enabler, he tolerated a certain level up until you started pushing his social boundaries to get more intimate.

Believe it or not, that can be terrifying, especially coming from someone who's close to you. It's the same as having some stranger come up and press you up against a wall, breathing down your neck. The only difference is, he can't push you away because you're supposed to be that close to him, and he knows it, but doesn't want it.

I say, you're lucky to have what you've got. Even though I'm in a relationship, 80% of the time I wish I could run far, far away. Not because my girlfriend is a bad person, but because the idea of constantly having this 'compromise' thing is exhausting. I can't push her away when she demands intimacy because 'compromise'. I can't tell her to leave me alone as crudely as I want because 'compromise'.

It's like living in this rather tiny box called "social expectations for the non-neurotypical" and you've been stuffed into this box over and over again, so every time something "normal" happens, you get stuffed further into that box. And it's ######6 annoying. It's not pleasant. The cuddling doesn't make it better. The kisses aren't that magical. The hand-holding is a chore.

I don't know why ANYONE would want to enter a relationship with a schizoid.

-- Sun Oct 07, 2012 2:40 pm --

WOW, THIS POST WAS 4 YEARS AGO

RECLAIMING THIS BOARD TO TALK ABOUT 'romantic' RELATIONSHIPS YOU'VE HAD IN THE PAST (OR HAVE NOW)!

Anyway, let's talk about relationships and what limits you have set, or what is the one thing that really bothers you.

VertebrateCrossing wrote:WOW, THIS POST WAS 4 YEARS AGO

Your sudden realisation gave me a chuckle.

Anyway. I would say I've had 3 relationships, well, they weren't quite relationships, more like 3 girls that have been the closest to me; which really isn't that close

The first is a short story and occurred when I was about 14, and I don't think it's Schizoid-related.. well maybe it is. I had been cyber-chatting with a girl from my school for a few weeks; which is fine for me because cyber-chatting requires no real connection. I had been flirting (not that I realised it at the time) and later found out through her friends that she had a crush on me, this was back in the hay-day of Myspace and msn messenger. I was at this point in an emotionally difficult situation, I couldn't just ignore it and I couldn't pursue this knowledge because whether I knew it or not, I was only attracted to the concept of being a guy that has a girlfriend. I don't think I ever really spoke an actual word to her in person, there were a few 'outings' among friends that we were both at but it's like a chain would lock around my throat and the best that could possibly come out is sarcasm. I expect people to understand this 'chain' metaphor? It wasn't that I couldn't speak, I just couldn't let any of my actual self be made known to her (or anyone for that matter). So, she later officially asked me out with a text, I said yes, then I ignored her for the rest of my life.

A side story, I'd done something similar with another girl on msn and never actually met her in person. I had never put a proper pic of myself on myspace so she asked me to send her one. I did, she said (exact quote) 'omg you're hot. I love you', to which I replied with 'haha'. That ended before it began.

Now, this next girl is one I'd had a 'crush' on until late last year when I realised all she was to me was a fantasy, and that any actual attempt would go no-where. Let say, I had a crush on her from... 15-17.

Lets cut in with the next girl. I think this might have been at the height of my psychological health, I was social and enjoyed people (or maybe just enjoyed being liked, I don't know). Anyway, she was a member of a group I sat near in school but I wasn't apart of that group and I knew that the only way I was ever going to quench my lust was to get close to her group thereby getting close to her. I managed this in a very literally sense, I sat nearer to their group, began chatting and became 'one of them'. This is something I couldn't dream of doing now, I was really into reading about body language at the time and knew how to put it into practice (I've tried recreating this but I can't put the knowledge into action anymore). Cut ahead a few months later of getting close to her, we're at a party, where I had made the dedicated decision to ask her on a date (coffee or something). There was some flirting, I later found out she was very slutty so it's no surprise she kissed me in a hallway, we made out for the night, she left, night is over.

So that was a saturday night. On Monday morning I planned to talk to her about what we do about this situation. Upon my greeting she pretty much shrugged me off, which considering I had become emotionally attached to her sent me into a spiral of anger and confusion. I don't think this caused me to be the way I am, it just spit on me when I was so close to being OK with having relationships though it's no better than I deserved considering I would usually be the one doing exactly that. Honestly, the actual lesson is to not let people that close to you. As a principle I disagree with the way I think, but I can't ignore that this is what process I've found works: if you don't want to be hurt, have no feelings with which to be hurt by. Classic removal of the problem at it's source because ultimately the situations themselves can't be avoided.

So back to that other girl I had a crush on. I fell back into her being my fantasy girl. I forgot to mention that while I was into this other girl, the girl I'd had a crush on had developed a crush on me, which by the end on this, that had passed. Moving on about a year after my plunge into emotional blankness. I had decided to again try for this other girl, and by try I didn't really try, I just decided that under the exact right circumstances, I would open up to her (she is a genuinely nice girl it's a good thing nothing happened because I probably would've hurt her). Anyway, I found out she liked some other guy, let her go, and noticed that there is no other girl I'm interested in.

I hadn't thought about the girls in my past to this extent before and I'd thought that perhaps this event had in large part cause me to be so against emotional openness, but in thinking about it I can name a few other occasions where I completely shut down when a person expressed interest. They're not that significant so I won't go into detail unless I'm asked to.

Fast forward to very recently. I am interested in no girl, do not want a close relationship and shut off if anyone tries to get close to me. Some would say I'm broken but I feel like I'm fixed.
I don't have any regrets, if I ever want a relationship I will work on it, for now, it's most efficient as I'm a University student and I find it very easy to not date girls and become distracted.

I expect people to understand this 'chain' metaphor? It wasn't that I couldn't speak, I just couldn't let any of my actual self be made known to her (or anyone for that matter).

Que theme music of my life.

I dunno about chains. I just usually feel like all of my friends are leaning on me at the same time, metaphorically. By demanding that I interact with them on more than a surface level. It's weird, and awkward, and very tempting to just step aside and let them all topple.

I dunno, it seems like this entire world is full of people leaning on each other, all over the place. And sometimes one of them leaves to go lean on someone else, and the one who falls gets upset, and it's odd, because there is a simple solution, and that solution is to stop leaning on everyone, and just stand up on two feet.

Effin' leaners...

well, I've technically been in 4 "relationships" although none lasted over 3 months, so people tell me none of those count They were all tests to see if I was capable of giving a s*it. I'm not. I'm glad I got that revelation out of the way. Gives me more time to do something productive (watch unhealthy amounts of anime)

I was in a two-month relationship last year with a friend of a friend. She broke up with me because I was too unaffectionate ( never even kissed her, so was it really a relationship, or just a "relationship in name only"?). In retrospect, it was mostly an experiment because I'd never been in a relationship before. I suppose I'd hoped that I would connect with her, but it didn't happen, and apparently I got over the break-up remarkably quickly.

I have to admit, I guess I'm like TypicallyMindful (anyone remember him?) in that I sometimes wish to connect with someone, like a girlfriend, on some kind of emotional level. But I know that it's very unrealistic, and so it's mostly confined to fantasy.

I have "dated" technically only one girl, for like three days.It was actually me who initiated and ended the dating part of the relationship. I liked her but when we would speak on the phone there was almost no conversation and it got old very quickly, so I said, pretty much, that I don't think this is gonna work.

We did remain friends for about two years after that and eventually we'd spend two or three hours talking on the phone every day. I'd call her, or her me, and I we really could relate on a level I had never reached with anyone. We would even talk about "going out" again but I think we both liked what we had then and didn't want to change it, I guess it was like a Will and Grace, platonic relationship except I'm not homosexual.

Hi...

firstly, I've been in two relationships. The first lasted three months and I was kinda fantasizing what it would be like to have a relationship so when she asked me out I said yes. We went on three dates and I didn't really show any affection, she thought I was just a nice guy, but simply the desires not there. The second was weird. There was this new girl at school and she smiled at me a lot and in my natural curiosity I copied her and smiled back. She mainly talked to me through notes which was weirdly the exact right way to communicate with me since I had already written things down and was easier to give her the paper (and was just between me and her) even though I had strong urges to not hand it over. I was walking in the park with her trying to talk about stuff and I thought, maybe this is one person I could actually talk to for once. But she gave me a piece of paper two days later saying we should just be friends, she wasn't very smart I found out and she wanted someone more playful I suppose... Anyway I felt extremely upset, although I didn't show it, I just went to sit at the back of the class. But it only lasted a couple of minutes before I closed off again.

*cough*

I just almost posted a new forum on this subject....

I'm in a long-term relationship with a guy who has SPD. I think I'm more like an extension of him than something resembling a "girlfriend". We've worked for so long because I'm extremely flexible and tolerant, but there are times when I want more. The best times are actually when I act completely indifferent, and he can exert as much emotion as he feels comfortable.

Lately things have been getting worse, and I think he's actually using his diagnosis to "get out" of doing things. He used to make an effort, and now it's just "well who do you expect me to be?" Sometimes I feel like evoking his angry side just to get an emotion out of him (extreme anger is the only strong emotion he has, and it comes in unexpected bursts every blue moon).

I guess I should count myself lucky; we share a bed, we've been together for seven years, and he does see me as a part of his future.