Dating the schizoid man -- help!

For several years, I've been with the same guy. He's pretty great, all in all and intellectually we are on the same wavelength.
Problem? He's been somewhat recently diagnosed as schizoid and always had the bells and whistles that come with it.
I am a very passionate woman by nature. His MO is dispassionate. He cannot engage in intimacy, cannot compliment me, and cites a mental disconnect as the issue -- meaning he THINKS about things he wishes to do with me/say to me, but cannot act on it.

Is there any chance of this working out? Am I a bad person for considering leaving in order to get my needs fulfilled?

What do I do. I'm so lost because I don't think I can change enough to make him comfortable. My understanding of his disorder is minimal. Also, he doesn't actively seek psychological help with this matter.

He is probably not capable of changing, willing to change, or both.
If you need to leave, then leave. Does he understand SPD? He will probably understand and accept your leaving.

It can only work if you are willing to sacrifice those needs which aren't being met. If you can't do this AND be happy then you should get out.

You're right about him understanding SPD. He's done his research, spoken with fellow like-minded individuals. We've talked extensively about how I crave certain kinds of intimacy that he can't provide.

The boy's sacrificed what he can to meet my needs. His solitary nature (though I am far from a needy sort) has been given up in order to share an apartment with me (though not a room, which is actually not a problem because hell yeah havin' my own space).

I think he's WILLING to change, but.. can't. Earlier on he described one of the tests he took during the diagnostic process. He was given a list of words and had to categorize them, but just couldn't bring himself to talk about one word: Boats. He knew it, he saw it, he could see it in his mind but just could not bring himself to SAY it. The same mental hiccup occurs when he wants to tell me he loves me or say a shirt looks nice on me or that I'm cute or general appreciation.

Guess I have the whole love-conquers-all mentality still. I want to be able to somehow 'fix' him (not sacrificing his unique mindset on lots of things because he sees things in ways I don't.) But I'm realising I can't. He understands that I will probably strike out on my own. The emotional part of me wants him to NOT understand, to fight for me, to suddenly lose the walls he has in place.

It probably won't happen, will it.

This blows. I'm okay with his 1 or 0, yes or no, black or white mentality up until compromise time.

Really I want to know if this is par for the course schizoid behaviour and what steps he'd need to take to get past the part where he can't touch me. Is hypersensitivity normal in SPD? Is there any treatment at all? Or should I gracefully accept that I will always have a very dear friend but probably never the lover I crave with my whole heart. Patience and understanding have yielded no gains, neither has anger and tears.

Well it's good he at least has a relationship with you, as schizoids rarely want or desire friends or a relationship, so I think he's trying his best to change.

A lot of schizoids don't seek help because it involves dealing with other people, so it's a catch-22.

Just don't want to let him down by pursuing my needs over my want for those needs to be met with him.
He's never had a problem with friends or having close friends. Oddly enough, he's pretty good at talking to people about his problems that are not professionals.
Some part of me, I think, is coming here hopin' someone will tell me that this isn't my fault. At the beginning he was very physically okay with things and just... stopped when we got closer. Just worry that it's something wrong with me and that he'll be fine and dandy if he dates someone else. I don't know.

I'm so confused.

Still hoping to get more responses on this, as I already have enough trouble getting input from the person this post is about ^^;;

jeshala wrote:Still hoping to get more responses on this, as I already have enough trouble getting input from the person this post is about ^^;;

It isn't your fault. If he dates someone else the pattern will be the same.

Most of what I have to say is pretty harsh, it gets better at the end though.

I kind of see relationships for a schizoid more about mental closeness than emotional closeness. In that way it is basically a friendship.

There are plenty of schizoids out there who get married and have families. To be blunt your posts seem too self-centered and emotional for me to see you having a close relationship with a schizoid.

Realize right now that very few relationships are as perfect as they are in movies or books, especially not relationships with schizoids. It seems that is exactly what you want. You want that constant intimacy, the adoration that is frequently portrayed as a loving relationship.

Is your self-esteem really that bad that you need to be complimented constantly? That you need to be touched lovingly to KNOW that he still 'loves' you?

1: You know he is schizoid and yet you said you know little about the disorder.
2: You want constant adoration.
3: You said you want to 'fix' him, yet you said you don't think you could change enough to make him comfortable.

These are the things that appear wrong to me. You mentioned compromise but you don't really seem to want to do any compromising, you just want the perfect lover! At the very least, I would imagine that if you had some rare disorder that no one has ever heard of you would want the people important to you to understand it, right?

If you truly do want to make the relationship work then compromise is a good place to start. Make a list of the things you want out of him and have him pick something to try and work on. It's slow and will probably be difficult but once he starts to get over that mental disconnect it should get easier quite quickly.

I can guarantee that you don't need to change to make him more comfortable. IF he was uncomfortable around you he would quite quickly distance himself and destroy the relationship. So your end of the compromise is quite easy, you just need to be patient and realize it will never be perfect.

If you were really interested in helping things along though, you could look into the possible self-esteem issue I mentioned earlier. You shouldn't trust an Internet Psychologist, I'm just hypothesizing from what you have typed out here. If you see in yourself that there IS an issue there you might want to try working that out.

After everything is said and done, I really do hope things work out for the best. You seem to genuinely be looking for advice and by the fact that your first post was over 2 weeks ago it seems that you're not sure if you would be happier with just a friendship.

This is a very sensitive subject but you have to consider what brought you to a fraction of a relationship. He can't fully engage with you and you were willing to accept that, possibly out of hope that he's "snap out of it".

This may sound harsh, but like every alcoholic finds enablers, a schizoid would find someone who would keep them from their safe state and it's highly likely that you've been filling the role. Unfortunately, since the condition is rare, you'll be hard pressed to find a support group for friends or family of individuals with SPD.

Do you find yourself as the gatekeeper allowing him to keep a safe distance between himself and the rest of humanity? If you went out with friends, would he do anything with anyone other than a close family member? Do you recognize the push and pull between the two of you to allow him to maintain a controlled safe distance from you?

As for hope for the two of you for the future, he needs real professional help and will need possibly years to resolve it. You might find it greatly beneficial to seek help for how you fit in. You might be surprised to see the role you've been in.

1. Nobody here can say what your boyfriend is or is not capable of. Just because we know a diagnosis doesn't make us psychic. A personality disorder just outlines a very general pattern of traits, it's incredibly reductive, it's not an absolute, and not everyone with schizoid personality disorder acts the same way or has the same capabilities. In fact differences probably swamp similarities. Look at it this way - people with depression have a characteristic set of symptoms and behaviors that help you to understand them, but they're not all identical.

2. ANY relationship requires you to be willing to accept on some level that the behavior you're currently seeing may not change. That doesn't mean you have to love everything about the person. That doesn't mean you have to enable their destructive traits, and that doesn't mean that you can't try to help them grow. But it does mean that if the only reason you're with a person is because of a fantasy you have of how they might be in the future - then you have a problem.

3. Speaking of fantasies - is your ideal love a fantasy? You have to ask yourself what you're willing to compromise in any relationship, and what you really can't tolerate. This isn't easy to figure out. Nobody can be all things to all people. If you enjoy being with your bf 90% of the time, but you're obsessing on the 10% that's not perfect and fulfilling, then you might want to work on having a more realistic expectations, or work on getting some of your needs met in other ways. If you're 90% miserable in his company, but clinging to the 10% of the time that things seem to be going well, then maybe it's time to think about moving on.