living with a SPD diagnosed husband

Kloppstock wrote:I feel offended that girls can get anything out of a 100 % Schizoid, im just a borderline and have better social skills, so how can it be fair that a pure schizoid get to have any partner when i get none you don't deserve it and don't need it just as little as i do....but i still deserve it more

And what is it that a woman possible can feel attracted to?, i don't wanna hear the answer on that
cause i will just get furious

Being detached and aloof attracts women...

"WHY ISN'T HE FAWNING OVER ME! I WANT HIS ATTENTION!"

I'm sure you can understand...

On a purely serious note, having read some of the accounts here from women living with schizoids, I'd be interested to hear the husband's side of things. I can ultimately only speak for myself, but I suspect at least some of these women have unwittingly turned their husband away from them. Schizoids may appear totally immune to criticism and such like, and on one level we are, but we also tend to be highly attuned to people's ulterior motives and underlying psychology. It's very easy to ruin a relationship unwittingly through comments and behaviours that most men would disregard or not even think about...but we will analyse what you say and draw certain inferences.

October16 wrote:Hi
I e been married for 12 years. My husband treated me like a real life princess. I've never been loved like he loved me in my life. He has taught me so many beautiful life lessons. He is my best friend and I love him so very much. Through Sept-Dec. 2016 I could feel that things were off.he works two almost full time jobs and running went from a hobby to an obsession. He always made me believe that he had all of his $#%^ together, so to speak. He is a hard worker, sets and attains goals etc...
I thought he was about as close to perfect as humanly possible. He is kind and generous. Anyway, one day he just said I love you but I'm not in love with you. I'm not happy in this marriage. I was shocked. He went on to say that he has always had relationship problems with women in his life. I didn't really ever hear him tell me that in 14 years. I didn't even know that about him or his past. He started cutting me out of his life. No calls or texts or conversations unless regarding our two beautiful children. He has been cold as ice to me. The things that he says are unbelievable to hear. Like he doesn't even hear himself. I actually am the one who found this disorder and asked him to read about it. Through counseling he has been diagnosed with it. I know that I still have a place somewhere under all that yucky stuff. I know that he still has a fancy for me. I've seen it. He fights it though. It's like him acknowledging his disorder is so difficult for him and he has no idea that in some ways I've known for a long time but still loved him. He is scary in the sense that he has cut me out or turned me off like a switch. He still loves and cherishes his relationship with our kids though and when he does it it hurts very much. As if I'm not there- like I died and life is carrying on without me. I want to be married for life and grow old together and I want us to raise our grandchildren. That being said- I also love him enough to let him go of that is what will bring his smile back. He is depressed and has a pituitary tumor and it is not a cancer tumor but he takes meds for it and I wonder if the length of time he's been on it is effecting him? He refuses antidepressants and swears it's got nothing to do with his tumor meds. He is speaking with a professional though and seems to be enjoying it. I feel sad for him. I miss him very much. Help?

I am sorry to hear that. Are you still living together? Does he want a divorce? Perhaps you could try marriage counseling, although he may not want to.


I think he needs space. He has been trying to please you all these years, but he may feel he has lost himself in the process. Did he say what problems he had in the past with women?

Hi all,

please bear with me I am trying to come to terms with what I now believe is my schitzoid personality disorder husband.

We have know each other seven years, got together three years ago and married 2 /12 years ago.

We met online, always got on well together, had intense deep conversations about all sorts of interesting things, at one stage he was interested in creating a new language, he had assigned himself different terms for different aspects of his personality and I always found him endearing and loved to talk to him.

At one stage before we got together and i told him I had become involved in a relationship he cut me off saying i was too judgemental which really hurt. It took ages but at some point he did actually make an effort to reconnect. He said that he actually didn't think he could let go again. And later, once I had become single confessed that he loved me.

I have always known he was disconnected to many people, he described his relationships with family as having no love towards them, he isolated for long periods of time and found social interaction a horrible chore. He worked on phrases that he could apply to situations so as not to have to talk about personal things.

He has two friends. One he sees possibly once a year, and the other he does not see. He recognises that he does need to make social contact but is much happier being alone with his thoughts. He has had three jobs, all of those are jobs that other people got for him, though apparently he had one that he applied for himself. He only moved out into a rental from his own parents and then moved in with me. He just doesn't initiate anything.

Once employed he does make the effort to go to work, tough if given the opportunity he will distance himself from that too. He does seem to be making progress having conversations with other employees at his office. But to my knowledge does not have any conversation outside of work.

I have two teenagers from a previous relationship and we actually co parent pretty well. It seems to me he is happy having everyone in the same house as long as we are all in separate rooms doing our own things. We have a lot of pressure around the teenagers as they have mental health issues and autism. This could be affecting him though he does not talk about it. He did once say he was worried my son would die (he attempted suicide) and then I would go downhill (I have episodic major depression possibly bi polar 2) and also die, this seemed to upset him and he visually teared up. This prompted looking into therapy.

He does not like to eat together, he does not initiate conversations with the teenagers unless he puts it on his list of things to do. I often have to badger him into doing very basic things, which I hate.

He is quite hard on himself too, he constantly says he needs to be a better person and he writes lists all the time on how to improve. He is a good man essentially, though he would not agree. There are many wonderful things that I love about him and I do not want to loose our relationship.

He has never initiated sex with me, not once. Though in the beginning he was much more physically affectionate, and we had a lot more sex. I did have a talk with him previously about him not making physical contact and how lonely that felt. He sat on it for a few days and later used to come into the room to give me a minute massage. It was clearly something he tried to remedy, though not something natural.

More recently he has retreated in this regard and pays less and less attention to me in every respect. Although he will come and sit next to me as he likes it when i stroke his hair, it soothes him. But he does not really return it, if he does it feels like a unatural forced effort. Currently we have not spoken for two days. I honestly believe he is really relieved by this, while I am in turmoil. I feel like he wants me near but not close and with sparse interaction. It's like being locked in a sound proof room with a double sided mirror screaming at him to notice and engage with me and he is oblivious.

I feel very lonely, like others have said, he made a self referral but they contacted him several times and he didn't reply. He thinks group therapy would be better, so maybe thats an option. Trying to get him to engage in anything is a huge effort and even then it will be so obvious he doesn't enjoy it it's just not worth it. Sometimes i feel like the whole relationship on his side is an act, some kind of cover up. I feel like that now. That and crushingly lonely and unattractive.

I was wondering how people with this disorder feel about what I have described. Do you want to be in the relationship or is it all pretend? I honestly think he would be much happier if we didn't have sex at all and had separate bedrooms. So what then? How would you feel if your partners has affairs? is that a solution? It feels like our relationship is developing much more into something akin to family rather than a sexual loving relationship.

/histrionics

Hi there!

To tell yourself he's schizoid might be an attempt to isolate what you have problems with and move it away from what you want your husband to be. It might be nice to think so but I'm afraid it doesn't work that way.

What you describe about attention towards you and your kids doesn't sound necessarily schizoid but male to me.

Every relationship I had was about communication. When it looks like I have to badger someone into doing basic things, I'm gone.
I don't see an upside in pretense. Also I can imagine a relationship where my partner has affairs. My main concern would be about health.

Maybe therapy for yourself might be a thing. It's really not about pointing fingers, like 'the one going to therapy is the black sheep'. There's a reason why you married a guy that 'has never initiated sex' although I think you need that to feel loved, appreciated, attractive.

Thank you for taking the time to read the forum and find a topic that relates to your issues rather than start a new thread.

Why schizoid? Was this ever discussed between you? I'm wondering if the description of your situation was tailored to fit a schizoid profile. Many traits shared by people with SPD can be found in non-schizoids. Your husband could just be an introvert.

That doesn't change your problems, though, but neither would a bona fide diagnosis.

Therapy might be an option, as Dalloway said, but before this, you should probably have a talk with your husband. If his withdrawal/avoidance is getting worse lately, the problem probably resides in him.

To humor you, I'll assume that he is schizoid (or at the very least extremely introverted), and caution you that any attempt to be confrontational will not help. Find a way to broach the subject gently and give him all the time and options he needs to communicate to you on his own terms. Sitting him down and immersing him in a "we need to talk" kind of situation will NOT help. It could make things worse.

Your husband sounds like an interesting guy.

lonelygemstone wrote:He does not like to eat together, he does not initiate conversations with the teenagers unless he puts it on his list of things to do.

...and every teenager's dream dad.

Good luck! and please share any thoughts you have on the advice given.

There are no happy marriages. Get over it.

naps wrote:Thank you for taking the time to read the forum and find a topic that relates to your issues rather than start a new thread.

Why schizoid? Was this ever discussed between you? I'm wondering if the description of your situation was tailored to fit a schizoid profile. Many traits shared by people with SPD can be found in non-schizoids. Your husband could just be an introvert.

That doesn't change your problems, though, but neither would a bona fide diagnosis.

Therapy might be an option, as Dalloway said, but before this, you should probably have a talk with your husband. If his withdrawal/avoidance is getting worse lately, the problem probably resides in him.

To humor you, I'll assume that he is schizoid (or at the very least extremely introverted), and caution you that any attempt to be confrontational will not help. Find a way to broach the subject gently and give him all the time and options he needs to communicate to you on his own terms. Sitting him down and immersing him in a "we need to talk" kind of situation will NOT help. It could make things worse.

Your husband sounds like an interesting guy.

lonelygemstone wrote:He does not like to eat together, he does not initiate conversations with the teenagers unless he puts it on his list of things to do.

...and every teenager's dream dad.

Good luck! and please share any thoughts you have on the advice given.

At an early stage it came up in conversation from his perspective he thought he could identify with it, he said he went on to a forum for people with spd but quickly left as he though it was a place where people somehow thought it was cool to be spd (as some people think it's cool to be a psychopath etc) and were bigoted in thinking they as better than everyone else. If anything he thinks he is a bad person rather than above others.

I don't think this is a 'male thing', though of course there are links to being less talkative and less communicative as a man as being the social norm. He is certainly an introvert. I am certainly an extrovert. If into personality typing he types as INxP and I type as ENFP. I feel we do understand each other on many levels and there is certainly love from both sides. His necessity to completely cut off from the outside world and be very happy in that extends far beyond the realm of introversion, or indeed an extreme form of introversion, which is in line as one trait of SPD at least.

He used to isolate quite severely to the point of having no human contact at all (so no internet comms or going to the shop etc) for weeks. He has always had a disconnect to people in general and finds being on his own his most comfortable state. I don't think I have ever met anyone with such a disconnect, being an extrovert I have met met many introverts, and have been happy to initiate conversations and contact.

Sounds like his real issue is low self-esteem, regardless if he counts as schizoid or not.

So it's been a while since I last posted and I'm now pretty sure my husband has SPD.

We separated in November as it came to light that he had been writing hateful things about me in a very cold and detached manner with zero emotion or care since as early as one month after marriage.
On top of this I discovered his porn use which of course he was hiding and which was a shock since he told me he didn't watch porn (yes I am aware most guys do, but he was different and I believed him)
On top of this I discovered he had been spying on my son (not in any sexual way), he had hacked his social media, saved files of personal messages between my son and his friends, had installed a spy ap on my sons phone, had hacked other of his friends social media accounts and was saving those private messages too. He also was looking at teenage girls profile (repeatedly) on my sons social media accounts- I checked the history.

The evidence was overwhelming, I guess he thought I was just too stupid to ever find it, or didn't care

All of this was a complete shock. There is no explanation as to why and I suppose I will never find out. It's possible he some other mental health issues which I am unaware of. However I am sure more things will be unearthed, his computers are in police forensics and I am a lot less lonely out of the relationship.

I suppose I am looking for answers but understand this might not be possible. I would be grateful of any insights as this completely tore my family apart.

What good does it do for you to continue to guess something like this? Looking for something concrete to pin your failed marriage on?

My thought process is that over the past year, there should have been marriage counseling which should have lead to a discovery process where he gets diagnosed SPD. At that point, you both could have decided the best steps forward knowing that. Since that didn't happen, it's just conjecture and simply a failed marriage.