Depression, anxiety, avoidance...

Lack of interests, drives, pleasure and excitement are some traits about me which I've had to come to terms with recently. I pegged myself as schizoid a while ago, denied it for a while but I'm coming back to it as at least something I seem to share a lot in common with.

I feel like nearly everything about me - my interests, my values, my animal urges, my memories, are locked up in some hidden part of my brain. My consciousness is kept sterile and extremely dry, nothing around me has colour. I feel very detached from reality, my body and my brain, like nothing is real at all. It's not strictly like this all of the time, at least a couple of times each day I may feel surges or positive emotion or curiosity. But it still feels stifled and it usually doesn't last long.

All I'm left with is a constant sort of anxiety. Relaxing is something I can do which helps a lot, but it's no cure. I end up avoiding most things, including relationships and responsibilities, and especially strong emotions and feelings. I have a difficult time with sex, I get so clammed up and scared that I remain completely impotent, only recently have I started to improve on letting go. The swirling anxiety makes me shallow and in the moment, I spend little time contemplating or thinking about possibilities, and much more time floating in a half dead state through a foggy-gray reality.

When I relax and let go of the anxiety, my state feels like one of mostly constant apathy, disinterest, and depression. I can't tell if it just is depression, or what. I was just wondering if anyone here could relate to any of this, input and sharing of your own experiences would be awesome.

For those Myers-Briggs junkies, I consistently test as INFP when answering questions based on how I feel I really am, and ISFJ when I answer questions based purely on how I act in my depressed and detached mindset.

Thanks for reading.

I've thought of drugs to help, though I've never tried anything. A beta-blocker helped me relax once. The most I would want to do on a long term basis is some kind of herbal remedy.

You mention klonopin in the morning. I almost always wake up with severe anxiety. Sex before bed helps a lot. Is that why you took that stuff?

Yeah, I tend to get anxious in the morning for fear of what lies ahead in the day. I used to not get out of bed for hours because of a lack of motivation.

If you don't mind me asking, what's prevented you from having sex? Does it just not interest you, or do you avoid it due to fear? I've actually been in a very (potentially) open relationship with a woman and I rarely have sex purely because of anxiety. The anxiety and fear kills my sex drive, making it difficult to do, causing even more anxiety.

Also, what country are you from? I live in Winnipeg, Canada. I've heard there are a lot of schizoids up north here.