Societies fixation with love

I hear it all the time especially from women they say "don't you want to be loved? How can you want to be alone we are sociable animals and need others to care for us". I feel they are needy end of story. I am not prone to falling in love and I have no idea what it feels like. I honestly believe it is just simply a long-term attraction and nothing more.

I knew from a young age that the marriage and kids situation was not for me marriage itself is highly questionable to me as to whether it is a natural act. There is only one reason couples are formed and that is due to fear of loneliness and isolation. Most simply can not manage there own company for even a short length of time. What annoys me as well is that people say I am a loner but they have lots of friends and are highly social but they are not a loner at all far from it. Just spending a day on your own or going shopping alone is seen as being a loner. Being a loner is more than that a completely different world, lifestyle and a way of thinking which very few understand fully. I have always related to fictional loners whether that be in films or even videogames.

I personally see myself being an eternal bachelor because I can not see myself being apart of this couple obsessed world (and marriage is often encouraged and forced upon by others because it makes the government more money) I just can't.

Freedom is not valued enough in my view and true freedom as an unattached person is something I will appreciate.

Its the biological imperative; the old birds and bees thing. Hormones. Furthering the genetic survival of the species. We dress this up with hearts and flowers.

SolitaryLoner wrote:Freedom is not valued enough in my view and true freedom as an unattached person is something I will appreciate.

Dig it.

I never thought about getting married and all that jazz when I was younger. I want to be in love to feel what it feels like, but believe I lack whatever it is other people have to feel that (perhaps it's as simple as a sex drive). I'm thinking now that I may just end up in a platonic sort of marriage, love without all the crap, which doesn't seem such a bad idea if the guy knows what to expect and not expect from me.

I hear it all the time especially from women they say "don't you want to be loved? How can you want to be alone we are sociable animals and need others to care for us". I feel they are needy end of story. I am not prone to falling in love and I have no idea what it feels like. I honestly believe it is just simply a long-term attraction and nothing more.

I've said something very akin to that many times in my life to my husband, a man to whom I'm married only legally because of his inability to bond properly. But what does it mean to 'bond properly,' exactly? I feel I do know, not that it is necessarily down to cold, hard scientific facts and laws.

The word 'love' and it's various multi-lingual counterparts is just a very simple utterance of something felt throughout the human species. It's a very basic concept that has very probably been flowing through the minds of hominids even predating Homo sapiens, well before any logical, analytical thinking was applied to it. It's not unlike any slang we have for such primal acts as copulation. Sex is such a deep, profound instinct that it's difficult for us to even concentrate on it.

In terms of societal 'fixation' on 'love,' I'm not sure what you're referring to -- the deeper concept or the word?

The concept is nothing at all bizarre or wrong, nor is it anything new or aberrant. Far from that, actually, as I've already noted above. 'Love' is a broad term to define any powerful bond between humans or even other animals (if a person is so inclined and brave as to include themself into the broader spectrum of life). No matter what, though, 'love' refers to bonds of a sexual nature; be it the 'love' between mother and infant or 'love' between a mated couple, the intent and basis is that of reproduction -- sex.

'Society' -- or, in this case, the whole of the human species -- is, indeed, fixated on love. The individual society may have its own style in dealing with it, the idea is universal. It's simply an expression of one of the deepest instincts we have. Without it, no species survives for long. Giant pandas are a good example of an animal with poor adaptation sexually--one of their biggest downfalls during the advent of deforestation.

From a personal standpoint there is nothing about pair-bonding that makes me less free. On the contrary, it makes me feel more free. I have the freedom to live and thrive within a family, interdependent, not dependent, within that group to make life far easier and smoother. My drive to reproduce tells me it is not possible for me to bring forth life without those bonds to protect, care for and teach my offspring. It cannot be done alone, and in those case where a human is forced to raise a child alone, problems almost invariably arise. My instincts are not crazy after all.

I never thought about getting married and all that jazz when I was younger. I want to be in love to feel what it feels like, but believe I lack whatever it is other people have to feel that (perhaps it's as simple as a sex drive). I'm thinking now that I may just end up in a platonic sort of marriage, love without all the crap, which doesn't seem such a bad idea if the guy knows what to expect and not expect from me.

I did not 'love' in terms of seeking a sexual partner until I was about 20. I had no intention beforehand of doing so, but also had no real intention of not doing so. It was left open, even despite my preference for introversion. When it happened, it was very powerful, but it was a first. I had no idea that I would re-bond even more powerfully in the future, as I matured. To me, it seemed a total matter of maturation, but the potential was waiting dormant for the right individual. Before that, I had love between close friends, and even that was not entirely asexual (sometimes anything but). The difference between the two kinds of bonding is intense, however.

'Love' in the sense of sexual pair-bonding is, indeed, based in and wrought by sexual interaction. It's a necessary part, and without it you are left with something different; as you've said, 'platonic'. A platonic love is usually one based in mother/father-offspring or friend-to-friend relationships, though the latter is still, in my experience, sexual (though I suppose that's not a necessary -- it just makes the interaction deeper, much more trusting).

Love is not something that can be sought after; it is something far more automatic than that. The same way we can't control hunger, we are also often helpless to control what and who we bond to.

As to marriage, I don't and have never subscribed to it. I find it to be a weighty, artificial means of holding a bond together. It causes far more damage than good. I utilize it simply to gain the societal benefits. I have a boyfriend aside from my marriage with who I am sexual, showing how little the contract means to me.

Orbyss wrote:In terms of societal 'fixation' on 'love,' I'm not sure what you're referring to -- the deeper concept or the word?

I think he's referring to the fact that the concept and idea of "love", in any form, permeates and saturates our society so thoroughly one cannot escape it. It is in almost all of our movies, our T.V. shows, advertisements and books. There is a massive economy solely based on love trinkets like roses and chocolates and gift cards and valentines day and all that jazz. Everyone around me is constantly searching for "love". They feel like it's the answer to anything and everything it seems like. That they can't be content, happy or comfortable without it. That life's goal is love and how can one possibly see motive to something without love driving it. Everyone's playing the mating game, searching for love. It sickens me at times but perhaps I'm being overly cynical because I know I can't experience it or will not experience it or that I do not understand it.

puma wrote:Its the biological imperative; the old birds and bees thing. Hormones. Furthering the genetic survival of the species. We dress this up with hearts and flowers.

SolitaryLoner wrote:Freedom is not valued enough in my view and true freedom as an unattached person is something I will appreciate.

Dig it.

Exactly.

Everyone around me is constantly searching for "love". They feel like it's the answer to anything and everything it seems like. That they can't be content, happy or comfortable without it. That life's goal is love and how can one possibly see motive to something without love driving it. Everyone's playing the mating game, searching for love. It sickens me at times but perhaps I'm being overly cynical because I know I can't experience it or will not experience it or that I do not understand it.

Ah, yes, I forgot to mention the bit about it being mystified. Believe me, I've always loathed that. I, too, have been around people obsessed with 'finding love'. That, to me, is destructive. Demystifying love is something that needs to happen very badly, in my opinion. So in that regard I can most certainly relate. And that's coming from someone deeply 'in love,' so it's not just you.

I personally feel that it's not impossible for a schizoid person to feel love. I considered my dad very schizoid and he dearly loved my mom. Both of them were perfect for each other, and I'm not sure he had even loved before that. I think it happens when it happens. Certainly, looking for it is going to turn out badly.

Freedom is not valued enough in my view and true freedom as an unattached person is something I will appreciate.

I think there's a misunderstanding about what is involved in a pair-bond. As I said above, I actually feel far freer in a relationship because the bond means that everything, including the bad $#%^, is shared. It takes a load off, if you know what I mean.

You cannot be forced into love or a bond, and those who have successful ones, I can assure you, do not feel as if they're jailed. If they do, something is very seriously wrong. I have felt something close to that myself and it's a terrible feeling.

I have a close friend (my husband) and boyfriend who I dearly love, and, when things are ok, I do not feel weighted by either. I am free to do what I wish, and share what I wish with them. It takes the right two people, however, and that's something that seems poorly understood. In order to raise a child successfully, you and your partner have got to be compatible in almost every sense.

And humans are far from alone in the world of love. Mainly monogamous birds constantly fight, divorce and fight some more until they find their perfect mate. This has led, bizarrely enough, to homosexual couplings in many recorded instances.

(Hahah, I love synchronicity. Wouldn't you know, Squarepusher's 'Every Day I Love' had to come on right as I was about to post this. I have virtually no songs with 'love' in the title.)

Iron Angel explained what I meant in better detail in regards to the topic title.

I for one have removed myself from the dating game for at least 7 years now I do not regret it I do not feel I am missing anything. Mind you have never t really put myself forward to participate. I was in a 6 month relationship once and hated every minute of it I only saw her once a week. You can not know how great it felt to be unattached again, even though there never really was a "bond". I have never gone on a date either or asked anyone out and make my interest known. A rare thing in these times for 22 year old male I am sure. I reject most normal expectations of me anyway.

Also I do not tend to generalize but I find many women who say are real loners still get married and have kids. It is in my opinion that women who never want relationships are incredibly rare. From people I have known of over the years the single men who never married where fine that way, but the majority of women who stay single for a long duration of time hate it and can not cope emotionally. Naturally most women want relationships to some degree.

I have been thinking about it recently and men definitely were a lot less emotional and guarded there feelings more only a few decades ago. Now these days there has been an outbreak of an identity crises worldwide with men acting and looking more like women. Generally men have become feminized and too emotional.

I do not know much about "love" but I had someone fall in love with me, even though we would never see eachother besides school, he would always walk by my house, he would give me things, and shake viontley when trying to ask me something personal. I then grew annoyed with him and ignored him, he then left school, he said he was in love, I do not understand this "love" its not anything I care much about.

SolitaryLoner wrote:Also I do not tend to generalize but I find many women who say are real loners still get married and have kids. It is in my opinion that women who never want relationships are incredibly rare. From people I have known of over the years the single men who never married where fine that way, but the majority of women who stay single for a long duration of time hate it and can not cope emotionally. Naturally most women want relationships to some degree.

When I was a child in elementary school, my general assesment of people was: "Boys are mean. Girls are dumb." I agree that many women magically turn into drooling twits while in the pusuit of affection. I am not one. I'm not attracted to women, and men smell funny (not to mention I find the whole "penis-in-vagina" thing to be highly disagreeable). I am 7 of 9. I am Borg. Love is irrelevant.

SolitaryLoner wrote:I have been thinking about it recently and men definitely were a lot less emotional and guarded there feelings more only a few decades ago. Now these days there has been an outbreak of an identity crises worldwide with men acting and looking more like women. Generally men have become feminized and too emotional.

I've always said women need to get more in touch with their masculine sides.

P.S. "Max Payne" freakin' rocks.

I have been thinking about it recently and men definitely were a lot less emotional and guarded there feelings more only a few decades ago. Now these days there has been an outbreak of an identity crises worldwide with men acting and looking more like women. Generally men have become feminized and too emotional.

From a behavioural standpoint, many would say that it's because it is becoming more and more socially acceptable for men to show that they're sensitive. I agree with this from what I've personally witnessed.
Many a sensitive man has been ruined by the fact that he was derided, attacked and loathed because of his sensitivities.

When it comes down to it, male and female doesn't make much of a difference at all. What you see is very often the result of socially created and upheld guidelines designed to enforce gender identity. However, in terms of reproduction, gender roles are important for us.

I am very in touch with my masculine side. To the point where I have more fit into the male gender role than the female one. This is just the result of being raised in an open environment and probably having too much adrenaline and androgens.

To 'fall in love' does not make one stupid. I am 'in love' and far from stupid, best I can tell.