Eulogies

My father is in failing health--not to be ghoulish, but he'll probably die in the next couple of years.

From my perspective, he hasn't been a good man--not entirely evil, but definitely not good. Although not physically abusive, he was/is very emotionally abusive and domineering. He was the type of person who made everyone around him pay for his insecurities: his principle way of gaining self-esteem was by making other people feel bad.

On the other hand, my mother is pretty broken up about the prospect of his death (she's passive-aggressive and bulemic, so perhaps his emotional abuse is something that she is somehow comfortable with). I, on the other hand, think my mother might be more emotionally healthy and rejuvenated after dad dies.

I'm thinking of writing my own eulogy for my father: it will not be petty or vengeful, but it will be a much more honest and nuanced account (and as a result, much more respectful to me, my mother, and my sister) than whatever pap the Presbyterian pastor would write up. I plan to show it to my sister (so she can suggest/demand revisions as she sees fit), but not my mother (who, I am sure, would not like it at all).

I'd like to know your opinions on the following:
(1) I'm thinking of demanding the right to give my own eulogy for my father as a precondition of my attendance at the funeral. Knowing that my mother will not like the eulogy, but that I and my sister will thoroughly appreciate the eulogy, is this a terribly impertinent or cowardly or classless demand? Is it a horrible idea that could do nothing but harm?
(2) I've been to several funerals, and all the eulogies have been entirely positive and complimentary of the deceased. Is it in some way required that all eulogies be entirely positive/complimentary? Is it unheard-of or unacceptable for a eulogy to be nuanced and/or less than complimentary?

A Rebours wrote:I'd like to know your opinions on the following:
(1) I'm thinking of demanding the right to give my own eulogy for my father as a precondition of my attendance at the funeral. Knowing that my mother will not like the eulogy, but that I and my sister will thoroughly appreciate the eulogy, is this a terribly impertinent or cowardly or classless demand? Is it a horrible idea that could do nothing but harm?
(2) I've been to several funerals, and all the eulogies have been entirely positive and complimentary of the deceased. Is it in some way required that all eulogies be entirely positive/complimentary? Is it unheard-of or unacceptable for a eulogy to be nuanced and/or less than complimentary?

I'm 42 and I've never been to a funeral. As my father died this month I have given the matter some thought however. Funerals are for the living, not for the dead. This means that anything said or done at a funeral should take into account the reactions of the living. In my own case I chose to stay away from the funeral, not wanting to deal with a large family in emotional turmoil. Instead I had a quiet moment to myself trying to think of positive memories of my father. I came up with 3, 2 more than expected.

As for your specific questions I'd like to answer the second first:
It is generally expected that all eulogies are positive, but I'm sure you can find examples of this not being followed to the letter. The unstated rule being "Do not speak ill of the deceased as they can't defend themselves". Not having any funeral experience I can't really say.

As for the first I think you must do what is right for you. Personally I wouldn't state my demands for participating, but perhaps I would have had "secret" demands that unless fulfilled would have me staying away without giving the real reason. Doing as your're contemplating could do harm and it could be OK. Very hard to say not knowing you or your family.

Well I lean towards it being classless but I can't really comment without actually seeing what it is you plan to say. In my mind an eulogy should be for everyone and not just for you and your sister.
If you really wanted to get something off your chest maybe you could disguise it in a poem instead so it isn't so blatantly obvious to everyone but you and your sister would still know what you are referring to.

People often seem to be acting out past hurts, an abuser was themselves abused. Maybe his upbringing too was less than perfect.

I would like to state that your dad sounds very similar to my own.

I believe it is your right to give an eulogy. You had to spend so many years dealing with the guy you should at least be able to say a few words about him.

I would start off by saying all the things that might have been wrong with your father. Then out of respect for your mom, or other family members that you care for, I would soften the blow by pointing out his good qualities. I'm sure he must have some even if they weren't always directed towards you.

That way you can describe your father without alienating the rest of your family. I strongly recommend not making a speech about how much of an asshole he was.

Gee, sounds like my dad as well. Very dominating, loud and always right in his own mind. Wonder if that's merely coincidental...

I perfectly understand the need not to be dishonest for the sake of politeness. Personally I might consider writing a letter to the man himself while he's still alive. Who knows he'd even give a vague sort of an apology, thus giving me a reason to say at least something nice at the funeral. Supposing I bothered attending it the first place.

A Rebours, I think, if you consult with your sister, she perhaps will set some kind of 'limits', won't she? Though, you should be careful, you don't want your mother to suffer, do you? Remember, that you see things from your, schizoid, point of you. Have you thought of trying to reconcile with your father before he dies? Maybe that would help?

I would just let the pastor put one together, sit through the service and move on. Vengeance isn't a good thing to make a project of. Best to just let it go. I don't know what relationship you have with others in the extended family and with his friends, but you will likely be shunned by them for breaking the unwritten rule about not criticizing the dead (at least at the funeral). Once the funeral is over then is the time to tell people what he was really like.

A Rebours,

I have attended too many funerals, but I am quite a bit older than you. Generally eulogies are positive sometimes with the less "positive" attributes included discretely or in some humorous way.

I absolutely understand your need to "set the record" straight on how your father treated you. But my question is what are you hoping to get from this public denouncement of him? I think that is something you really need to consider before you go through with this.

Very rarely do victims of abuse get satisfaction from confronting their abuser. I am not saying that this is your intent, but especially after his death you may find that your father is an elusive target to confront.

I would also consider what your mother would feel about this eulogy. She is the one who will be in the most grief. Will this add to her sadness?

I think the choice is ultimately yours to make. I chose not to go to my stepfather's feeling because of the absolute hate I held inside for him. I was afraid that I would lose it and try to destroy his corpse in front of all the mourners.

Best wishes,

N.

A Rebours wrote:My father is in failing health--not to be ghoulish, but he'll probably die in the next couple of years.

From my perspective, he hasn't been a good man--not entirely evil, but definitely not good. Although not physically abusive, he was/is very emotionally abusive and domineering. He was the type of person who made everyone around him pay for his insecurities: his principle way of gaining self-esteem was by making other people feel bad.

Your father sounds like a classic narcissist. This type of personality is heavily invested in always being right, so trying to make peace with them is nearly impossible, as they wont see your point of view and admit to any wrongdoing on their part. That is to address what could be done while he still lives.
After he is dead, he really wont be able to hear anything you have to say. The survivors will not be able to do anything about what kind of man he was, either. Some will be sad, some will be glad, some will be wistful that they couldn't have had a more fulfilling relationship with him.
I think the most humane thing you can do here is first, do not deliver a critical eulogy. There is nothing to be gained; it will just make people feel bad. Your father made people feel bad in life, why should you further his legacy by making them feel bad after his death?
The second thing you can do is go see him and present your case while he still has ears to hear you. At least then you will have the satisfaction of knowing he heard you. Being old and sick, and entrenched in his behaviour patterns, he probably wont be able to give you any comfort. This exercize would be for your benefit only, just to get your anger and resentment off your chest.
Thirdly, you could try forgiving him. In his weakness and fear he led a warped life, and alienated his children. Now he is dying, and is likely reflecting in private on how poorly things have turned out. He can't travel back in time, there are no do-overs. Maybe try just letting him go in peace.

I suppose, if I were you, I might first ask myself "what is my goal"?

From previous posts, believing you are pretty logical, I don't know that what you described would be based on any particular 'goal', other than getting things off your chest. Not that getting things off your chest is a bad thing....

But it is interesting that you contemplate doing this after your father is dead, rather than before.

Is "after" as effective as "before"? Or is it "easier"? [I'm not trying to piss you off...just challenge your thinking]

After he is gone, the only people who hear you will be people who do not necessarily feel any ill will towards your father, and regardless of what you say, will not think otherwise - they will just think you are being a bit of a jerk. So, maybe you and your sister will be satisfied in some way, but the rest of it will be just a hassle.

So, I'm thinking maybe there is something you could say or do (maybe with your sister?) to get things off your chest while he is still alive. Like ask him why he didn't do XXX, or why he did do XXX, or how he made you feel.... It would be hard to do any of that without the conversation deteriorating to some kind of accusatory/defensive thing.

I think you will work this through and maybe, when your father dies, simply feel like it's not worth the trouble of delivering the eulogy you describe. Maybe just contemplating right now is worth the effort.