Eulogies

The dead don't care what you think so there's no point insulting a corpse.

HungryJoe noticed an important hing - funerals are organised as events aimed at the living, the dead couldn't care less.
Funerals are a cultural thing, here its considered very bad not to attend a funeral of someone very closely related to you, dunno how it is in your country but you should take the cultural background into account.

Agreed. Let them have their funeral, if you still feel like it later, have a go at him.

Seems like a lot of the people here have parents with narcissistic tendancies, pretty sure it's come up before.. guess it calls for more research.

Thanks for the responses...if any of you are disgusted by what I'm proposing, let me admit that there's a side of me that is disgusted with it as well.

I probably won't go through with it...the action would have, I admit, a certain unseemliness in it...and I definitely agree with what some of you have delicately implied: there's a pinch of cowardice in it as well.

Then again the pastor's version will inspire a large amount of polish-the-turd queasiness.

This eulogy idea is not entirely from my sick imagination: I
came across something like it in a Harlan Ellison autobiographical vignette, whose title I can't remember (I think it was in the Essential Ellison anthology, but I'm not sure...if anyone can tell me the name of the story, I'd be grateful: I read it in a bookstore several years ago and the idea stuck with me ever since).

He apparently did the same thing (not at his father's funeral but
another close relative)...he gave the eulogy, and recieved alot of flak as a result, but he was also approached by family members who were extremely appreciative that someone was willing to offer a somewhat candid and true-to-life assessment.

Rebours,

I am not disgusted by you post; I know the feelings of wanting to express the truth or even right the wrong.

he was also approached by family members who were extremely appreciative that someone was willing to offer a somewhat candid and true-to-life assessment.

I am sure that some of my family would have also preferred a more honest account of my stepfather's true character at his funeral, but others would have been shocked or continued their denial. In the end, I don't think anyone's opinion of him would have changed.

I can only say that with my stepfather's death, I began to let go of the hate I had for him. That was a positive thing; holding on to it could only have caused more harm to me in the long run. Finally letting go of the need for revenge was a liberating experience. Some find it easier than others; I hope it is something you discover for yourself soon.

Best,

This post reminds me of the Speaker for the Dead in the Ender's saga (Orson Scott Card). Instead of only saying positive things at the funeral, the Speaker for the Dead would speak to the family and get an accurate picture of the dead and would speak to that.

Ender's Game is my favorite book.

Listening to a load of white wash about the deceased is galling. But as has been said, funerals are about bringing a sense of closure to the living. Someone suggested speaking to your father while he's still alive and telling him how you feel. Saying it while he can still hear it might bring you some peace of mind. And if you're still dealing with a lot of personal anger when he dies, skip the funeral. It would be harsh to unload an angry eulogy over his casket, but equally harsh for you to be forced to listen to a passel of lies about his sterling character. The people who know you best will understand. The ones who don'###$ 'em.

A Rebours wrote:Thanks for the responses...if any of you are disgusted by what I'm proposing, let me admit that there's a side of me that is disgusted with it as well.

Oh, heck! Your proposal is not disgusting in the least! If I'd had any warning, when I was 19, that my bitchy mother was going to commit suicide and mess up whatever sense of stabilityand order I had in my life - believe me, I would have written a memorable eulogy.

You have the benefit of time and perspective and perhaps an opportunity to consider....[consider, not necessarily act on] what you might do before the opportunity for a eulogy presents itself.

This may sound bitchy and unkind, but I think I would have accomplished a lot more if I had been able to tell my mother how she had always made me feel 'less than'....but then she might have killed herself sooner.

[Oh, I don't hate her; she was who she was. I just never considered the possibilty of a eulogy, it all happened so quickly.]

I've been to a few funerals and all the eulogies have been positive. But I believe you should be able to say whatever you want. Write down exactly what you think of your father, and if the audience has a fit, it's not your problem that they can't take the truth. I don't believe that someone's death makes it unacceptable to criticize them. It's expected that it be 100% complimentary, but as I said, do what you want. Say what you feel, not what's deemed as acceptable for you to feel. (And in a way, I think it would be more disrespectful to lie about the dead.)