Dissociative episodes increasing - concerned

I have spent a long time trying to fix my life and live a normal life. I have a job that I love, a person who could be amazing for me and all the opportunities in the world to live a successful life.

However, recently I have been having these dissociative episodes and everyone of these seems to push me in the wrong direction in my life - and when I snap out of it the next day or after some time, I am disgusted with myself. The way I act out is exactly what I don't want to be. And these episodes are becoming longer and more frequent.

I really really want to be a normal, happy, ordinary person. When these episodes happen, I am the exact opposite.

For example, I have wanted to start a relationship with a really nice, intelligent and sharp person. I think we would be a great fit together. But instead, even though I am fully crushing on said amazing person, I end up in a very promiscuous and violent situation that one part of me hates and would never do but I seem to just be watching. I feel nauseous thinking about it and really icky. Every session escalates more.

Why am I like this? I would give anything to just be normal.

Are you in therapy? It sounds like you may have a dissociative disorder. A specialist in complex dissociative disorders could help you sort this out.

In the meantime, it may be helpful to try to contact this other part or parts of you and try to understand how that behavior feels helpful to them.

It may be that they are re-enacting past trauma by getting into those situations.

Or maybe the idea of a loving relationship is so terrifying that they need to erase even the thought of it by having random and violent sex (if that's what's happening).

Sometimes, because of early trauma and negative core beliefs, success is so threatening that there are protector parts who will try to cause you to fail. The tension between looking successful and outside people not knowing that you're [fill in the negative adjective--stupid, worthless, unlovable, etc] can get so huge that an impulsive part of you might want to show the world how "bad" you are. Also, it's "safer" to cause yourself to fail than to try your best and still not do well

It's not always the case that someone doesn't remember what their alters did (if that's what's going on). It's also valid to be aware and watching, but unable to control it.

There's a very active DID subreddit that might be helpful, and also an OSDD subreddit (the label used when there's no amnesia--so that you can be watching what another part does). There's a DID forum on here, but there have only been a few people posting on there lately, and I've personally found it less relatable recently.

Hope this is helpful. What you're going through doesn't sound anything like a personality disorder, tbh. And schizoid PD is one of the common misdiagnoses given to people who actually have a dissociative disorder.