Argument with Schizoid partner

I also have BPD tendencies- on the surface, I don't have nagging fears of abandonment (although I do the idealization/devaluation thing quite well, thank you)- but they've never been put to the test, either. If my partner announced they were leaving... I'd probably be very upset, even if at the same time I sometimes mentally think I'm ready to be alone again.

Maybe they [i]are[/i] consciously, or even unconsciously, trying to yank on that chain, a little.

My gut reaction in that case: Call their bluff. Keep cool and if he wants to pack in slow motion... see how long he keeps doing it.

anathegram wrote:They ended up getting married, briefly. They clearly loved each other even after they got divorced, and effectively remained partners for the rest of their lives

I know a couple like that. They're back together, but still divorced. And get along better than they did when married.

needofadvice wrote: I feel like living with another person is always hard. And is it just me or did Covid not make it any easier?

Yes, yes it is- for me anyway, and the person unfortunate enough to be with me...

And no, it sure didn't.

He's manipulating you.

Just ask him when he is leaving for the redecoration.

1PolarBear wrote:He's manipulating you.

Schizoids may use passive-aggression or manipulation because they are unable or too uncomfortable to express themselves through regular emotional/social channels. It may be selfish or childish but I don't think it's out of malice.

Just ask him when he is leaving for the redecoration.

If it is a ploy, behaving as if you accept the fact that he's moving out and urging him to speed up the packing might get him to panic, face his feelings, and come clean with you. Or it could make things worse.

Oblivion wrote:If it is a ploy, behaving as if you accept the fact that he's moving out and urging him to speed up the packing might get him to panic, face his feelings, and come clean with you. Or it could make things worse.

So it is win-win and breaks the silent treatment routine.

So it's now 3 weeks and a day since the major blow out. This past week packing pretty much ended and nothing has left the house. He remains silent.

It does feel like manipulation for sure. I have been reading a lot about stonewalling/silent treatment to pass the time. It is really hard to tell if he is being malicious. I lean more to him being overloaded and this being a coping mechanism. The other thing I am starting to think now that's it week 3 is has he made it hard for himself to get out of it. I mean how does he chose when to speak again when to call over. From what I'm reading people definitely go weeks often but if he gets to months that will be more unusual. I read a few cases of a year of silence and one crazy story of a woman who lived 40 years of marriage like this. At this point since he has taken 3 to 4 months to cool off after arguments before we lived together I'll stick it out a bit longer. I have still stayed calm and not provoked. It is starting to feel like a battle of wills.

It's not healthy behavior no matter what.
It's like he holds grudge but won't fix the issue, whatever that is.
It's all on him to fix it.

But you can challenge and ask for explanations, and that's what I would do.
It should have been done after a few days.
It's the type of behavior you don't want to allow or "reward" in any way.

See, people that are "overwhelmed", just like any emotions, it is fixed by grooming for those that can't deal with it, and that implies connections with others. So doing what he or she does is conterproductive, it just makes things worst, so it is a vicious cycle. There is a reason people "talk" about problems, it's part of the grooming in a way.

Well that's my opinion, you do what you want.

Update and not a great one. 5 weeks and 4 days now. The only communication has been to say sure to giving me two rides. Packing has pretty much stopped. He still seems pretty angry.

In dealing with all this I have been reading about attachment styles and thinking he sounds dismissive avoidant. I was thinking most SPD probably would this be or fearful. And in a similar fashion most BPD would be I assume anxious attachment style. Didn't know if this has come up on the forum before. So far not seeing much written on personality disorders and attachment style.

Well, SPD don't really "attach", but sure, that type would be most probable.
I would have been out 5 weeks ago, if not sooner. Probably sooner.

Hi, I just want to comment about the “packing up my things” issue. I have done this when my husband and I have had serious arguments. I still have boxes of my little “treasures” (childhood mementos, special dishes, etc.) in a bedroom closet.
When I’m doing it, it makes me feel better: like I’m at least able to take some action. I’ve gone so far as putting some in the back of the car, but have yet to rent a storage unit to put stuff in. I later moved the boxes back in the house.
I don’t know why it makes me feel better. Maybe gives me the feeling that I can just load the boxes and go if things get intolerable. Maybe I get a sense of control from it.

I am curious if he finally leave, or it was a provocation like you suspected