Argument with Schizoid partner

Hello all,

I would greatly appreciate your input. This is my first post and a bit of a long story but I will try to summarize and answer questions as needed.

My partner I strongly believe has SPD. I have a Bachelor in Psychology. I am a medical doctor. And I went over the diagnosis with my therapist. I myself have Borderline Tendencies but no longer meet criteria.

I have known my parter for 12 years in an on and off relationship. Many fights have taken place over this time where he would pull away and not talk to me at all for average of 3 or 4 months. However, it has been five years since this last occurred until now. We have lived together for a little over a year.

Feb 21 we had an argument over a slip cover super minor I know. I told him he should reposition it when he gets up and he freaked out. He has been ignoring me since. This is the 3 period where he has ignored me for a long period of time since August. The other two times were also over very minor things. One was me asking him to use a different burner on the stove because it was having issues and the second was me asking to return a pair of shoes the same night I got them. 2 weeks ago he flipped out worse during this current ignore when I asked if he would be home for dinner and since then has been slowly packing as if he is moving although no box has left the house. He has only packed items in the garage and basement. He took apart some things he built which made me quite sad. He does not have a job so I am not even sure how he would move. He will not answer me at all so I do not ask. Since the 2 week ago explosion I have tried not to provoke him. I answer him if he rarely talks to me but do not talk to him. I am trying to give him space. I still cook him dinner and save it in the fridge. I really am trying my best to give him all the space he needs.

I am pretty scared he will move and that this is over. Now he is not an affectionate person as you all can guess. He needs a lot of time to himself. And he has his own bedroom. This does not really bother me. I love him and I am pretty used to it. I could not imagine my life without him despite the issues we sometimes have.

I am wondering how common this is the ignoring after a fight if any of you have done this in the past? Also he seems to be having a lot of issues with rage and anger since we have lived together which I was wondering if could be related to living together or unemployment or maybe both. Also am I approaching this right? It seems like he does not even love me anymore like I do not exist to him but I feel like that can not be true. I am the closest person in his life. Closer than his small family. We have built a life together as unconventional as it is. I am a little nervous that he might just be able to walk easily from some of what I have read on the forum it seems some people with SPD can do this pretty easily.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

You asked for thoughts; here they are:

What are you actually getting out of this relationship? It sounds like you are going to extreme lengths to try to make this work with someone who mistreats you.

I could not imagine my life without him despite the issues we sometimes have.

Couldn't you get a pet instead?

Well until this year's arguments the prior break ups were more my fault although he took a very long time to reengage after them. Apart from those times he used to spend so much time with me in a way other people don't. As he is less focused on sex, he always made me feel he liked me for me. He was a major support for me from the day I graduated medical school throughout the training that followed. I used to get a lot of companionship from the relationship and it was worth some of the hard then but the anger issues and isolation are getting more severe.

I have two dogs and a cat. All very very needy animals actually lol even the cat.

As far as silent treatments go, I was never comfortable with them because they are not what I would consider passive behavior. Silent treatments must be maintained to be effective, and because they are not the same as breaking up, the silent partner always has the responsibility of ending them. That's a lot of emotional responsibility for someone with SPD to be comfortable with. It's like having to respond to a missed (ignored) phone call or having a social engagement pending.

As for the anger issues, it could be that he's hit critical mass when it comes to cohabitating with somebody. With the proper distance, a schizoid could probably stand being in a relationship for a long time but eventually, he's likely to crack. The relationships I myself have been most comfortable with were the ones that required little or no maintenance. Resolving the issues of an argument, even a small one, is something that needs to be dealt with eventually, and that's not something a schizoid wants to have on his plate. The more arguments, the more tiresome and uncomfortable the relationship gets.

The only suggestion I can think of, based on what little i know about your situation, would be a temporary separation. Give him time to recharge and to re-find his center. Keep the lines of communication open but do not bug him or make him feel there's something he must do. Schizoids do not like to have the ball in their court.

Thank you Oblivion for the advice. I will try to do as you advise. I think the hard part will be your last sentence him not liking the ball in his court. So keeping communication open without pressure but not having it so he would have to take full initiative to come back will be a bit of a challenge. He does love our cat and I would never deny him to visit so I could see him doing that if he does leave.

I think you could be right about living together. Maybe it being more than he can handle. It does not help that I work at home and he doesn't work so we are together all day. Before we lived together he came over every day between 12 to 1 pm and left around 2 am 3 am and even though it was a ton of time together doing this every day we had far less issues.

A bit of an update on his packing/maybe moving. It has now been 2 weeks since he started. Since last Sunday he has packed one bin and mostly worked on his truck and car. Still no box has left the house. It's a very hard limbo place for me. Hard to feel like he is really going when he is taking so long.

Hello, and welcome to the forums! I've been the one approving your posts, so I've been following the conversation.

needofadvice wrote:Hard to feel like he is really going when he is taking so long.

I don't know how it works in SPD (I'm surprised I'm not SPD, but I'm not), but that sounds an awful lot like someone who doesn't really want to leave, but needs to feel as if they're going through the motions of it. The PD they have might be demanding 'space', but it doesn't necessarily mean he wants to ditch your relationship.

Edited to add I'd follow Oblivion's advice!

needofadvice wrote:He does love our cat and I would never deny him to visit so I could see him doing that if he does leave.

As an animal person, I've always found it easier to bond with/spend time with people if we share an affection for a particular animal. So play up the cat!

Thank you! It does to me seem overall that it should not take this long to move if you really want to go. I mean it took us 3 days last time we last moved in April and I have a lot more stuff.

The cat is our first pet together and interesting thing was it was a stray kitten that just walked into our driveway 2 years ago. It's his best buddy!

This forum has been really helpful. Him and I have very different personalities and it's been really helpful reading the older posts and seeing things from a perspective likely closer to his own. With my borderline ish ways it is almost like we are polar opposites but I think I can make adjustments. He definitely needs much more time than I ever would. Either way this ends he has for sure taught me a lot about patience and understanding.

Snaga wrote:I don't know how it works in SPD (I'm surprised I'm not SPD, but I'm not), but that sounds an awful lot like someone who doesn't really want to leave, but needs to feel as if they're going through the motions of it.

I think figuratively packing up truly can help alleviate the need to leave, and Snaga is probably right that something like this is happening. My opinion is still that the way your partner is going about it is, at best, appallingly inconsiderate. I wouldn't have the patience for it, but I don't have the patience for most things.

My dad had a couple of friends from university who were always really close. They ended up getting married, briefly. They clearly loved each other even after they got divorced, and effectively remained partners for the rest of their lives, but they couldn't happily share a home with each other (or anyone else). Still, they found something that worked for them, eventually.

At this point, it is starting to feel a bit like a test this packing. Like he will pack one thing a day. It is almost like he wants to see if he can provoke me to like do a big emotional flip out. It has been 2 weeks and 2 days and I have held cool. This is incredibly hard for someone a bit borderline to do with all the abandonment and rejection fear issues. I have flipped out none. I have given him all the space in the world.

Interesting story anathegram about your dad's friends. I have read more and more about couples with separate bedrooms and also now more and more together without living together. I feel like living with another person is always hard. And is it just me or did Covid not make it any easier?