This is my first time posting. Hi.
I just had a lot on my mind last night, and I would appreciate some external input. I thought if there’s any hope of someone being able to relate to me, it would have to be other schizoids. I feel like I’m from another planet when I try explaining this people.
I’m having some relationship problems, which I’m not going to elaborate on, because you all know exactly what the issue is, when I say I’m diagnosed with SPD and in a long term relationship.
The subject isn’t so much anything specific going on in my personal life, I am just so frustrated with trying to understand myself and articulate what’s going on in my head. It might turn out to be a long rant, I hope somebody wants to read it and respond to some of my thoughts.
- Why can’t I connect emotionally to my partner?
- What is this wall between me and other people?
- What is it that makes me feel smothered in relationships?
- Why don’t I feel lonely/miss my partner when she’s gone?
- How can I explain this non-negotiable need for excessive alone time?
Simple explanations like "schizoids don't like/care about other people" is just not an answer. I’ve read here how other schizoids describe this inner/outer world split, and how their internal world seems more real to them than the external. For myself I can definitely say that being in my inner world is safe, predictable and comfortable, while having to relate to people in the “real world” generally feels unsafe, unpredictable and uncomfortable.
First of all, it sounds reasonable to me that the split described is a defense mechanism and an adaptation to early childhood neglect, I don’t have doubts about that theory. How this actually works in adult life, and what it looks like from the inside, is what I wanted to talk about.
I think when all humans relate, they do so only through their internal representations of who they are relating to. E.g. when you encounter a new person, your brain creates a model of them, using limited sensory observation (the way they look, talk, move, smell, dress, etc.) and then fill in all the blanks with expectations based on associations, stereotypes, past experiences, until you have a working model of the whole person to relate to. But the actual person does not exist to you, and never will, only an approximate representation (placeholder) of them.
The more you learn about a person, the more detail and nuance is added to your internal object. But you will always be relating to an incomplete model. I would think to achieve complete knowing of a person, would be the state of fusion/merger, which means the annihilation of the self – which is the primal fear of the schizoid. A fate worse than death.
-
Anyway. So it feels like my inner world is populated by all these representations of everyone I encountered throughout my life. And I guess that’s the case for people in general, but there is an added dimension to this for the schizoid. I don’t know exactly how to describe it, but the people in my inner world are somehow more vivid and “interactive” than to the average person.
- I can see how this is in some ways a positive adaptation. It makes you more or less immune to loneliness and needing to be around people. Because they are always present with you. My inner versions of people are just a good, or often better, than the actual people in my life. Is this a sentiment that most schizoids can relate to?
-
I think the explanation is found in childhood, f.x. when the baby needs soothing and the caregiver is absent, the baby remarkably learns to survive by summoning it’s inner representation of “good mother” to provide the soothing that is missing. The downside of this adaptation is that the child misses the chance to form a genuine (secure) attachment to it’s mother, and the possibility of integrating the flaws and imperfections of “bad mother” with the idealized internal “good mother”. It only makes sense; if my inner mother is so vivid and perfect, why would I even want to deal with the flawed person that is my real mother?
If you carry this mechanism into adulthood (i.e. develop Schizoid Personality Disorder), you are going to experience massive problems relating to people in real life. A genuinely connected intimate relationship will be an alien concept. We don’t crave for it, because we don’t recognize it's value to us because we have developed a "shortcut" to meeting relational needs.
But that, in short, was the perspective I was analyzing my own behavior and my decisions from. And wanted to know what other schizoids think about this.
-
I’ve heard about maladaptive daydreaming, and being preoccupied by fantasies to the point of not being able to meaningfully participate in the real world. Also read some schizoids fall into slightly darker places like erotomania, voyeurism, stalking, obsessing over celebrities and even fictional characters. Not something that applies to me so much, but it’s interestingly relevant in this context. Mostly I’m thinking about more innocent things, like having a crush on someone – but not actually wanting to interact with them. Idealizing people and wanting to be close to them, without reaching an intimate connection. Because by actually connecting with people, we get too much information about them, which means our internal representation of them becomes too detailed (and therefore imperfect).
I think that’s why a schizoid who’s unaware of his own psychology will enter a romantic relationship with a relative amount of enthusiasm and interest, and then quickly become frustrated and disillusioned with having to integrate their flaws and shortcomings into his internal model of them. In this situation a non-schizoid doesn’t have a choice, because they become attached and need the connection – they will eventually learn to deal with it. Where as when a schizoid becomes enamoured with someone, he is often satisfied with “interacting” with his internal representation of them and doesn’t need anything further.
That might also be why, if a relationship ends before the illusion is completely shattered, the schizoid will always “love” that person and keep them as part of their inner world forever. They won’t feel the urge to reach out and reconnect, because they are already connected to the internal object and further contact only risks tarnishing that connection.
-
When in you're in a relationship with a schizoid, we don’t actually need any validation or reassurance that you are still there – because you are already omnipresent in the inner world (object constancy). If a schizoid loves and appreciates you, they don’t feel the need to be physically close, and they will not miss you when you’re gone. I see how that would be very confusing and hurtful to the partner.
Especially in a relationship with someone who has BPD, a condition characterized by a lack of object constancy. If they don’t see you all the time, and receive constant validation and reassurance, they feel abandoned. Maybe a schizoid will be able to understand the plight of his partner for connection, but it’s purely on a theoretical level – they can not empathize, because the feelings are incomprehensible on an emotional level. Giving emotional validation to others is something that wouldn’t even cross our minds, if they didn’t ask directly for it. And when we try to do it, it sounds insincere and unsatisfying.
-
Thinking a bit further on the idea of relating to internal models of people; the way I experience these inner people is not so much seeing a solid mental image of the person, but more like sensing an amorphous “presence” of them in my mind. Every person I know is there, living inside my unconscious mind. I can always pull them into focus and interact with them (not literally, of course) But I always have an ongoing inner dialogue, and I can sort of “hear” how my inner people react to what ever I might be doing. Like the idea of the Super Ego as the internalized parent, e.g. how Norman Bates hears his dead mother in his head all day, shaming him. But this can be both good and bad, like there is a lot of strength to be found in feeling supported by your "internal objects", so to speak.
But I feel like the closer I get to a person in reality, the more the inner representation of them grows in size and power inside my mind. Like each person in your life occupies a certain amount of mental real estate. Depending on how significant they are to you, they rent bigger and smaller lots in your headspace - and there is a finite amount of space available! So the more people I need to relate to on a regular basis, and the more intense the interactions, the more stressed I feel. Maybe because my brain is constantly having to update and adjust my inner models to fit reality. The truth is, people are unpredictable, confusing and generally too much to deal with. One reason why many schizoids tend to attach more to their pets than people, is simply because dogs and cats are just not very complex creatures compared to humans. The inner model of “my dog” very closely matches the characteristics of the actual dog.. he always reacts the same, has no more than 3 different emotional states, and I know exactly how to please him. So completely safe to deal with for a schizoid.
-
The way I hear others describe it, they find it exhausting to relate to people, and need a proportionate amount of downtime to recuperate after each interaction. Like if an SPD enters a relationship they would only be able to be mentally present for 1 or 2 days a week, and then need complete solitude for days to recharge afterwards. If I don’t get that alone time, I will slowly fade out of reality and into a zombie like dissociative state. It's as if my inner representation of them is taking up more and more of my mental space, until it starts to threaten the (already weak) integrity of my sense of self, and this triggers what I can only describe as “annihilation terror”. I feel an extreme urgency to get away from the person. Actually the more I like the person, the more I absorb of them, and the more panic it causes. It’s not fun, and I can’t believe people say it shouldn’t be considered a disorder.
-
Lot's of thoughts, sorry if it's all over the place.