Blood relations are overrated

Crimson wrote:Blood relations are overrated, they are like patriotism on a smaller scale.

At first I just thought this was funny, but I think it's funny because it's so true.

I suspect that most people are so into their families because those relationships are supposed to be based on "unconditional" love and acceptance. No matter what you do or say, you can always go home again. No matter what happens to you, you can be cared for and aided by your family in your time of need. If you're upset or in jail, you can call your folks or your siblings at 3 in the morning and be assured they won't tell you to ###$ off (unless you're a troublemaker and they are practicing "tough love"). It's a form of help by last resort. You family should never turn their back on you (in theory). Then you have your own children, and you take care of them so they'll take care of you when you get old. It's not about liking your family as it is about loving them no matter what so everyone gets their needs met. I guess they act like a safety net for most people, just like religion. Maybe it comforts people in that way. So you have to put in your time and invest in that relationship, just like you do in friendships because they'll always help you (again in theory).

Although I do think that most people actually like their family or members of their family, so that the above is just subconscious.

I think that the reason that I'm schizoid or have schizoid traits is because I've never had that feeling with my family (or been able to connect with anyone at all actually). I was largely ignored by my folks (plus they weren't supportive at all) and my brothers spent a lot of time abusing me in various ways. I rarely saw much of any of my extended family. As a result, I have absolutely no feelings for any of them. I've always taken care of myself pretty much and I'm not sure how I would even go about switching that off enough to be the least bit dependent on anyone.

I don't think I was always like this. I think when I was really really young, I loved my folks (perhaps I didn't know any better). Then I turned about five or six and grew out of it based on the sheer dysfunctional-ness of it all. I still kept up appearences because of the reasons I listed above, until the one time that I really really did need help when I was in college (needed to be admitted into a treatment center for alcohol/eating disorder/depression) and they didn't help. Long story. After that I saw absolutely no reason anymore to continue wasting my time with them, if they wouldn't be there if I needed them and I got nothing emotionally from them.

My therapist asked me in our first or second session "What sort of relationship would you like to have with your parents?" I didn't understand the question. I guess she thought I'd blabber on about wishing they'd be...supportive? loving? When I talked about my brother she asked me if I felt betrayed. I guess normal people would feel that way...would want more out of the relationship with their parents or would feel like some relationship boundaries had been broken. I felt nothing. I honestly don't care. I'm just glad I don't have to live with them or deal with them. I only call my folks because they are paying off my student loans. If it weren't for that, I would never call them or visit.

Incidently, the few people I've told about my relationship with my parents (and the long story) seem to think they are awful parents and can't believe that they wouldn't help me out when I needed it the most. It even angered my best friend's parents. They wanted to help me when my own parents wouldn't. So, I think there are levels that I don't exactly get or never learned, since so many other people stare at me blankly when I talk about that sort of stuff. It makes me wonder if I'm schizoid or perhaps something else since maybe my home life sucked worse than I thought and perhaps it made me a bit nutty.

I often wonder if there is still time...not with my family, but just within a romantic relationship setting. Not likely though.

Schizoids don't care about sex and reproduction - perhaps that's
why they don't care about genetic relatedness.

In nature, the transmission of genes is the primary purpose of
everything. It doesn't matter how long an individual lives - only
how successful that individual is in passing genes on to offspring.
Since one's genetic relatives have more genes in common with
oneself than other individuals, it makes sense to care more about
them from the point of view of spreading one's genes.

Genes control the chemical structure of pheromones and other
biogenic molecules, some of which may be of importance for
recognition of individuals. Some animals recognise each other by
smell, and to some extent humans do too. Some genes also
promote visual and auditory resemblance between individuals.
Visual resemblance can be more important than shared spiritual
values, as demonstrated by phenomena like xenophobia and
racism.

I agree with you sum1, except that I would also have to add that the human species is composed of social animals. The family unit is the most genetically similar. Therefore, if you are protecting your genes, it makes sense to be most social and spend more emotional energy on those that are most similar. In this case, humans would value those that are closest and have feelings about them to ensure that there genes get passed on. Although, as a species, we do still expend time and energy on our elderly even when they can offer nothing in return (although that sentiment seems to waning significantly). That isn't genetically profitable. Although, perhaps as I mentioned above, it gives individual reasons have kids. You delude yourself into partly wanting someone to take care of you when you're no longer able to take care of yourself, so that you have them partly due to that reason. I think a lot of the genetic argument functions plays out through emotional states of desiring and cultivating these familial and romantic relationships.

Im going to have to disagree with most of you here. I feel a sence of duty to my parents and family but nothing else. Yeah you didn;t ask to be born but the fact is you where and whether it is their fault or not you should still be grateful for the sacrifices made by these people.

It is this sence of duty that keeps me around in order to 'repay' my family for what they have done for me when they didn;t have to. Because they really didn;t have to. Its no different from any other dept to me (its bigger and im going to be paying for it for the rest of my life but i always pay my depts).

Want to leave and never come back, you know just disappear but unfortunatly i always pay my depts so i have to stay in contact.

stranger wrote:It is this sence of duty that keeps me around in order to 'repay' my family for what they have done for me when they didn;t have to. Because they really didn;t have to.

What I said previously describes my relationship with my siblings; toward my parents, who are both now dead I felt more a sense of duty. Neither one was perfect but it was always evident that they did their best. I barely remember my paternal grandfather but I have heard many stories about what a mean selfish fool he was and how he so mistreated my father. It has always been clear to me without having heard it said explicitly that at some point in my father's life he decided to be a better father and a better man than his own father had been; though he had his failings, the difference was always apparent. It would have been admirable enough had he only overcome the bad example set by his own father but I see now that he had more to overcome than a difficult childhood - he was, so far as I can tell, somewhat schizoid, though not perhaps so much as I, and so raising children was for him more a challenge than for most men. I suppose I could match the forbearance he showed his children if I had to but it would take a lot of work.

I don't think motherhood was difficult for my mother so I don't so much admire her strength as appreciate her simple decency and kindness. She was too good a mother to ignore

I may not be the son they expected but like them I did my best. Now that all the debts that weren't repaid are written-off I have no regrets.

Yes, but some adoptive parents are as good and sometimes better than biological parents. So the feelings you have for your parents are not due to the fact that you share the same blood, they're due to the fact that they have been great for you.

That's the statement I was trying to make with this topic. The love or admiration we have for someone should be based on their personality, achievements and compatibility with us rather than bloodlines. That's the way it works for me.

My feeling on 'debt' is this: People aren't expected to pay back money to their parents--parents are here to get you on your way, then you have kids and pay to get them on their way, etc.

As for emotional 'repayment' ... Well, I don't know how to do that so we all wind up frustrated.

Just this evening my mother was saying how she was sorry we didn't know a (rather distant) side of our family better. I hadn't even heard of these people until my mother brought it up this evening and she said, "Yeah, but don't you wish you could get to know them?"

No. Why? Because we share DNA? Why is that so special?

Suddenly, she wants me to be social with a few dozen more people when I'm not capable of being social with my current crop of relations.

In man's earliest prehistoric days small family units were the norm. A family tribe generally consisted of about 20 people. Everybody needed everybody for survival.
Now we live in huge amorphous populations and don't have the survival need to be in families. The ancient bonding codes are still in place, though, and for most people seem to work. Being a schizoid in prehistoric times probably would have not facilitated survival. In the modern world we can be schizoid at little cost to anyone survival wise.

I don't enjoy spending time with my family any more than anyone else, but at the same time I believe that I have a duty to my parents to repay them for the years they gave me food and shelter and otherwise expended resources on my account. I intend to make certain that they are comfortable in their old age, but other than that I'd prefer that I needn't visit but occasionally.

I don't enjoy spending time with my family any more than anyone else, but at the same time I believe that I have a duty to my parents to repay them for the years they gave me food and shelter and otherwise expended resources on my account. I intend to make certain that they are comfortable in their old age, but other than that I'd prefer that I needn't visit but occasionally.

Exactly.