Therapy made it worse

Maybe it has to get worse in therapy in order to get better, but when i was disconnected from emotion life was so much easier, i used to be social, i faked that i enjoyed life but i believed in it, i cant tell how much i enjoyed or loved this kind of life, maybe it was all robotic and i believed whatever i had to believe to keep the show going.

Either way now im clingy, 2 hours a week are far from enough to contain the whole week, and the disconnect between the 5 days apart sessions are basicly taking me back to the starting point every single week, and then i need to regain trust and all that $#%^, i feel like only 1 of the 2 meetings is actual therapy, the other one is just me making sure she isn't #######4 me, that she still cares /does she?

Anyway so im walking around like a zombie, i cant hold a job because i barely manage to get myself out of the house, every time it takes me 20 minutes to build up the courage to walk out of the door, and the worst part is that i cant contain the emotions, i feel bad 70% of my waking hours, at the rest of the time i dont feel, i lay on the floor and do nothing, sometimes i dont even day dream, i just suffer the boredom

Idk, this whole thing is too much, oh and on top of all that i sometimes have breakdowns, espacially in my car, it became my safe space because of the control it gives in social settings, i get intance panics with screaming and stuff, not fun

Hi Eldror,
I don't want this message to go unresponded to, because it sounds like you're in a bad place. I just wanted to say that I hear what you are saying.

I'm seeing a psychologist regularly at the moment, but I was quite worried about it because at least one of the times I was suicidal it was because of talking to a psychologist.

Do you mind if I ask what sort of therapy you are in? Different types can be very different experiences. Talk therapy made things much worse for me, but Acceptance and Commitment Therapy really helps. It has some mindfulness stuff that feels a bit new-age, but is strongly evidence based. It's certainly very good for creating distance from emotions. Not suppressing or getting rid of them, but acknowledging them and then getting on with more important stuff.

If you trust the therapist, it's okay to tell them that the style isn't working for you, and to ask to try something else. It's also okay to change therapists, or to quit if it isn't helping. Whatever you decide, hang in there.

I promise you that there is a future version of Eldror who wishes they had a time machine so they could tell you that it will get back to being easier again. Probably that future Eldror is still faking it, but they also enjoy the game for what it is. They know that they can pretend if they want, or be themself if they want, and both are okay.

Schizological1 wrote:Either way now im clingy, 2 hours a week are far from enough to contain the whole week, and the disconnect between the 5 days apart sessions are basicly taking me back to the starting point every single week, and then i need to regain trust and all that $#%^, i feel like only 1 of the 2 meetings is actual therapy, the other one is just me making sure she isn't #######4 me, that she still cares /does she?

Anyway so im walking around like a zombie, i cant hold a job because i barely manage to get myself out of the house, every time it takes me 20 minutes to build up the courage to walk out of the door, and the worst part is that i cant contain the emotions, i feel bad 70% of my waking hours, at the rest of the time i dont feel, i lay on the floor and do nothing, sometimes i dont even day dream, i just suffer the boredom

It sounds like the 70% of the time you feel bad , drains you emotionally and physically so you feel nothing then. But at least it means you DO FEEL something and that is a good platform to work off. There would be less hope if you felt nothing, good or bad, all the time.

Sounds like you need someone or something to help you
-transform your capacity to feel bad into a capacity to feel good.
- transform your feelings of 'fear' ( anxiety) into self worth
- Let go of the expectation or need for your therapist to care about you. ( less attachment)
You say you used to enjoy life? It may be worth going back to that point in time and figuring out what changed your perception of life so radically.
I relate to how you feel and have found over the years that doing affirmations that condition me to feel good about myself, help. Rather than focus on being an outsider or different, I try and accept and feel good about 'being different'.
Currently I am battling with the loneliness and boredom; the feelings of emptiness etc. that come with not having the same social or other interests as other people; finding people disappointing, boring etc. Trying not to hate them, or myself ...
It is a continuous battle with occasional moments of reprieve. I know meditation and altering my perception is the answer but have not the discipline to do it these days. Basically I am tired of trying.
If I was in a position to, I would try psychedelic therapy. It has worked very well for a friend of mine.
This might interest you.
https://kahpi.net/

I read it could be dangerous for someone with a personality disorder because traumatic memories might come up before im ready for them

Schizological1 wrote:I read it could be dangerous for someone with a personality disorder because traumatic memories might come up before im ready for them

Not sure one is ever ready to deal with them. The main draw back of this is, it takes a few sessions. If one has a seemingly bad experience with lots of traumatic memories, that is supposedly good. With the right guide, one is then encouraged and supported during their next session to work through the trauma, by taking more.
If I had money I would probably go through the lady associated with this website, in Peru.
I like the honesty of this particular website where it also discusses those who have bad trips, the solutions and how a bad trip can be part of the processing.
I cant do it because I am on ssri's. But one day i would like to. Finding the right therapist is essential... ( lots of charlatans out there).
Overall It has a good success rate with ptsd.
It is also being used successfully for people who are terminally ill and terrified of dying.
It is interesting in my opinion.

salles wrote:

Schizological1 wrote:I read it could be dangerous for someone with a personality disorder because traumatic memories might come up before im ready for them

Not sure one is ever ready to deal with them. The main draw back of this is, it takes a few sessions. If one has a seemingly bad experience with lots of traumatic memories, that is supposedly good. With the right guide, one is then encouraged and supported during their next session to work through the trauma, by taking more.
If I had money I would probably go through the lady associated with this website, in Peru.
I like the honesty of this particular website where it also discusses those who have bad trips, the solutions and how a bad trip can be part of the processing.
I cant do it because I am on ssri's. But one day i would like to. Finding the right therapist is essential... ( lots of charlatans out there).
Overall It has a good success rate with ptsd.
It is also being used successfully for people who are terminally ill and terrified of dying.
It is interesting in my opinion.

If you are actually diagnosed with a personality disorder i think you should consult a professional before doing that, there is a reason for the defences schizoids have, i wouldnt try to just pop it like a balloon

I actually read about it before and decided not to use it even though i would love to find a quick solution for my problems, and i face problems at any waking moment, you need your defence to survive, its not just there for fun