Schizoid hubby

Hello, I got married a year ago to the love of my life. As son as we started the honey moon I started to see some changes, he slept alot, low energy, and despite we had a very active sexual life whe we where datting, after the wedding night, the sexual activity started to go low, back home, he was (and still is) unemployed, so stay at home, he helped very little with house chores, and is not intersted in any job, he wants the one job for him.

Almost 3 months ago started therapy, but it lasted like 2 months and he is not interested on keep going, I am sure he is schizoid, he does not have any close friends, dont have a close relationship with his parents, is super inteligent but inable to keep a job, he does not feel attachment to the world in general acording to what he said when I told him about SPD, and not interested in going to therapy.


I love him, but I did not see all of this when we where dating, and I am not sure I can haddle it, I read a lot here about SPD and I am almost sure he will not change. I have a moral situation, because I have this tought tahat I have to support him, I have to be with him, but since the beggining all the relationship start to go bad and I was so tired, emotional exausted, and now, that I know is SPD, is so hard to know what I have to do. I had the hope that he will get help, and I can help him get better. But everthing I had read here makes me think, maybe he will be better without me, he is making a big effort to meet my expectations, and he feels all the time that he is not doing it.

KIKA wrote:
Almost 3 months ago started therapy, but it lasted like 2 months and he is not interested on keep going

What did the therapist say regarding whether he is schizoid or not?

My mom used to trick me, just eat that little piece and thats it, then i ate it, and she said another piece and thats it, so on, idk how much you can trick an adult but i think that works, ethical consideration is for you to make, and also diagnosis is for a professional.

Before solution you need to know the problem, dont rush to solution, bye

Oblivion wrote:

KIKA wrote:
Almost 3 months ago started therapy, but it lasted like 2 months and he is not interested on keep going

What did the therapist say regarding whether he is schizoid or not?

He is the one who told me about the schizoid, he said he could improve with therapy, but hubby dont want to go

The therapist is the one who tell me about SPD (despite hubby never have done tests) and he is pretty sure at that, he says that if hubby si therapy, he can get better, but hubby is not interested

The thing about SPD is...it isn't usually a sudden thing. I am mystified sometimes by the stories that I read about from people who are in relationships with those they suspect of having SPD. Like, personally, even as a fairly secret schizoid, it becomes really, really hard to mask my complete emotional unavailability and lack of attachment after a short time. How do these relationships even happen? It blows my mind.

I have to say, that if it's a sudden change, you might want to be looking into depression as a back up. Depression and SPD can have similar symptoms. For example, sleeping a lot is more of a descriptive sign of depression than it is SPD. Low energy, could arguably be both. Lack of interest in sex could be both. Lack of interest in normal activities could be both.

Depression can be sudden onset. Schizoid personality disorder isn't usually. I do see that there were apparently signs of SPD before, like a lack of relationships or initiative. I scratch my head a little at why anyone would want to enter a relationship with someone like that, but to be fair I have SPD, so in general I question why people choose to have relationships at all.

I hope things work out for you. I don't think it's healthy that "he's working to meet your expectations". That doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for either of you. Seems like a power imbalance to me.

When you meet someone who likes you and you likes him, he has alot things that like you, and you start to fall in love, you tend to diminish some details, we had a long distance relationship, I guess it helped that I did not see all the situation. Well I have a lot explanations, but in the bottom, my consern is about, if he dont get help, is going to be very difficult to us to keep it working. I want him to be happy, with or without me, and I think he wants the same.

Yesterday we had a talk, he is definitly not going to therapy, he is making his choice, I think if he can make his choice I have the right to choice if I want to stay married.


I think this situation of being married is so hard for him as for me, we are like in differents worlds, we see differents realities. And is very hurtful because I love him, and I know he love me, we are trying so herd, but feel like be are pulling in diferent direction.

KIKA: It sounds as if you've got your wits about you since you're questioning your marriage. That's more than I've seen from a lot of people who post here with similar questions.

However it seems that, in your situation, both of you have a lot of your cards on the table. Understanding each other and being honest will make whatever you and he are destined for a lot easier on you, emotionally speaking. There doesn't seem to be anything to do at this point than to compromise. If he agreed to therapy would that be enough for you? Therapy can do only so much for a schizoid, or any personality disordered person. You both run the risk of reaching some kind of breaking point. Is it worth it to you? Is he a one-in-a-million type of guy? I'll stop here because I can't possibly even pretend to be able to put myself in your shoes and I don't want to steer you wrong. Reading on may help...

smirks wrote:The thing about SPD is...it isn't usually a sudden thing. I am mystified sometimes by the stories that I read about from people who are in relationships with those they suspect of having SPD. Like, personally, even as a fairly secret schizoid, it becomes really, really hard to mask my complete emotional unavailability and lack of attachment after a short time. How do these relationships even happen? It blows my mind.

I've always believed that love makes people a little ignorant and blind to what they don't want to see. Of course this can work the opposite way; being overly paranoid and clingy due to insecurity, but in this case, that kind of clingy paranoia tends to define the problems in a relationship. Histrionic behavior always overshadows the kind of schizoid apathy/avoidance we are discussing here.

Anyway, the ignorance I was talking about above also extends to all the facets of a relationship that lead to love. Courtship, for example. The empath has an innate need for romantic companionship, so he or she will unconsciously overlook the little signs that their schizoid partner is not as enthusiastic. ("diminish some details" as KIKA put it) This is how I got away with it. They make it easy. I can't speak for the people who have in the past claim to have fallen in love with me, but I suspect there has been a sort of blind hopefulness and a will to control: "He'll come around", or more simply put in pop music terms: "I will make him love me." So how do they express this? By being accommodating. By letting me dictate the terms of our time spent together. By giving me gifts. I figure if I'm already involved in some kind of courtship, why not go "full-on shallow" and try to manipulate more out of them? It's like: damn! this relationship shlt is so easy! I just stand here and get complimented and people buy me dinner! This is not to say there was never any neediness on my part; no matter how secure I am in the belief of my emotional unavailability, there is always the belief that maybe this time will be different. Being treated well further clouded my judgement.

But all of this falls apart the minute that ridiculous four letter L-word is first mentioned. It's as if it's some sacred incantation. Once it's said, any non-compliance on my part suddenly makes me the bad guy. The heartless one. I am accused of letting them on. By this time, it does me no good to remind them that they blithely ignored all the warning signs: my emotional aloofness, resisting eye contact, never instigating any kind of non-sexual affection. And sex makes it all the more complicated. To me, the sex was good because they were basically just another trick I could tolerate outside of bed. To them, the sex was my way of communicating the emotion I couldn't express verbally.

By this point, the whole thing is a great big ugly confusing mess. It implodes. The end. I watch TV alone on my couch while they sit home and cry in the dark. I do feel guilty, but only in a cognitive sense. I have no choice. It sucks.

I agree with smirks, its hard for me to imagine how someone wouldnt see the limits the schizoid have early on in any relationship.

Anyway, for me the 1st motivation to go to therapy was that i have life too hard, so the only idea i can come up with is to try to point out how many facets in his life are impacted by his behaviors, and how different and easier things could be for him (dont focus on relationships, but focus how lack of them makes it harder to get things he needs), that it doesnt have to be this way, he can think of it of something he has to survive through, at his own pase obviously, to make his life better, maybe empathise that he can take his time.

*mod edit'*

Hi Oblivion, thanks for your sincerity! You know, it opened a little my eyes, he is a Great, great guy, I know he loves me, and I love him, but he is not willing yo even accept that there is a problem, he is not willing to accept him as SPD, he dont see the hole situation, and that brakes my heart, I was willing to try, to support him, to be with him, despite all the difficulties that I was aware that will come, but he is not willing to try if is not his way. Everyday I see how my marrige is falling apart, and I cant do not nothing. The only thing I can do is to prepare my self, I am very greateful to life to let me marry the love if my life, and to hold him the time that we have been together. I came here, looking for answers, and for somebody to tell me go ahead, stay with him, he will, as you said, come aroud, but I am pretty sure, he wont. And as hard as it sound, I love him but I have to love my self more, if I stays here, I will have a very sad life, and him to, I really hope he could understand this.