Boundaries

I was wondering if anyone had any tips for how to enforce strict boundaries between other people and me, especially if forced into a social situation i.e. my cousin's upcoming wedding.

For Thanksgiving, I tried briefly interacting and then going upstairs. My mom complained that I was antisocial. She said someone else was downstairs and didn't talk, but made her presence felt.

For my (other) cousin's play, I tried being there but being quiet. My uncle complained that I was being quiet. He asked the dreaded "why are you so quiet?" and then started bombarding me with questions, forcing me to talk. So this was bad boundaries.

It doesn't matter how many times I tell them I have a condition; I'm still expected to be totally normal and normative.

Thoughts?

Hi CityMouse,

This is my first impression regarding your post :

I don't fit criteria for SPD, but it's sometimes very difficult for me to attend family events. It's much internal tension for me.

What i read is that you made big effort to be there and spend some times there. Your mum and uncle, instead of be grateful, ask for more.

For me you did well in leaving discretely when needed. It's great. You attended the event, waouw.

In my experience, some people - especially in family, i don't know why - are never happy and ask for more.

The problem is not to offer more. The problem is to protect oneself from those remarks.

Il have some usual answers that i use in that case, but i can't avoid the pain in the stomach that i feel when it happens.

In my experience though, the more you allow to yourself naturally, the less people ask. If people are used to you going upstairs sometimes, they'll stop asking. They might even allow themselves to do the same because usually family gathering are draining, for everyone.

(sorry for the mistakes in english or spelling)

So, here's the thing. People will always complain no matter what you do. You don't have to indulge their complaints or take them to heart.

Personally, the most tactful is just avoiding the occasion with a "Oh gosh, I'm busy that day! I can't come. Regrets!"

But there is also, "Gosh, I'm just not really feeling up to this right now. Thanks for understanding."