So my grandma died and I dont feel a thing...

by **Helmutlord** » Sun Aug 19, 2007 8:36 am

One of my 'good friends' was diagnosed with some kind of bad cancer recently on his twenty first birthday.

Got in trouble for make a joke about it. My mother was more depressed about it than me - my reaction kind of scared her...

I did the same thing, went to a funeral for one of the old man's friends. I forget exactly what I said, something about a closed casket or such (the guy pegged construction equipment on a motorcycle), he was pretty mad about it. Things got rather uncomfortable for me when all the people were crying.. too much emotion you know?

by **paranoid_schizoid** » Tue Aug 21, 2007 5:26 pm

Artificial Lifeform wrote:...and now I have to listen to my moms annoying sobbing/crying and all her repeated flashback stories.

This is... very socially unacceptable ofc - I know that. Im supposed to grief this lady because Im related to her. It's whats "normal" after all. Im supposed to go to the hospital, look at her and say something, and then Im supposed to go to her funeral, right? Thing is I just feel that I dont wanna have anything to do with this. I don't wanna meet any crying aunt/uncle, telling them how sorry I am when Im really not. I feel the same to most social situations (all schizoids do) - that I DONT wanna have anything to do with it. I want to be left alone.

I haven't had a good relation to her (met her maybe once per year, and she never seemed interested in me and my brother) so that might be one reason that I don't care (the other being that Im schizoid). I only truly care about the core family: my parents and my siblings... so it's something at least.

Purpose of this thread? I dunno.

er hang on a minute are you me?
i just have to say yes you are
my nan died last month as well and i might as well have wrote that topic

by **Artificial Lifeform** » Sun Aug 26, 2007 10:16 pm

It's a schizoid forum after all you know...

by **Joyless56** » Sun Aug 26, 2007 11:26 pm

My father died when I was 17, and I thought that was not a good thing to have happened. Still, three months later I trotted off with my best friend on the x-country trip we'd planned.

Then, when my mother committed suicide 19 months later, I got depressed for quite some time. But we'd never gotten along - she always was hypercritical (probably always depressed, tho we didn't know it. My reason for being depressed was because I was now so on my own that if I had a nervous breakdown, nobody would come bail me out. It was all about me.

I've felt ever since that there was something wrong with me, like I was kind of heartless. But I've convinced myself that they died at an age (for me) when most people think their parents are useless, and are pulling away anyway. Probably I'm in denial.

Geez. Heartless. I don't like the sound of that.

by **puma** » Sun Aug 26, 2007 11:48 pm

Joyless56 wrote:My father died when I was 17, and I thought that was not a good thing to have happened. Still, three months later I trotted off with my best friend on the x-country trip we'd planned.

Then, when my mother committed suicide 19 months later, I got depressed for quite some time. But we'd never gotten along - she always was hypercritical (probably always depressed, tho we didn't know it. My reason for being depressed was because I was now so on my own that if I had a nervous breakdown, nobody would come bail me out. It was all about me.

I've felt ever since that there was something wrong with me, like I was kind of heartless. But I've convinced myself that they died at an age (for me) when most people think their parents are useless, and are pulling away anyway. Probably I'm in denial.

Geez. Heartless. I don't like the sound of that.

Aww, don't be so hard on yourself, Joyless56
I think a great deal of this feeling or lack thereof has to do with how easily we form attachments to others. One of the main things about being a schizoid type is we don't form attachments very easily. It's like the software for the bonding program was corrupted. If one is not attached to someone, it is unreasonable to expect a great outpouring of grief over that person's demise. I've often felt sad for my mother that she had a child like me who didn't love her, or even like her very much. She tried to console herself with the idea that my indifference was independence.
If a relationship is fraught with turmoil, forming and nurturing any sort of healthy attachment just goes out the window.

by **phineas** » Mon Aug 27, 2007 12:45 am

Joyless56 wrote:Geez. Heartless. I don't like the sound of that.

The DSM says that we neither desire nor enjoy close relationships, including being part of a family. To put it in less dry and technical language, we schizoids do not love. We may like someone but we will never love anyone. We would indeed be heartless if we were capable of love but didn't actually feel it toward anyone, but we can be more forgiving of ourselves for not doing what we cannot do.

I for one don't feel I'm missing much.

So my grandma died and I dont feel a thing...

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