Schizoid Guilt (a severe case of SPD example)

I have to admit that the biggest issue I have with my disorder is the guilt that comes with having it. It still bothers me (from time to time) when I overhear others talking about their significant others. It's not that I'm jealous, but it's the guilt I feel when I start feeling like the alien freak in the room.

Of course, hardly anyone I ever encounter knows I even have the disorder, so I can't blame them for having everyday conversations. However, the result can be the same for me...there's that guilt of being different. It's something I'm constantly reminded of when I am out in "the real world." I have to admit, it does get to me (from time to time).

I also have to say that, along with the occasional guilt, there is that feeling like I'm missing out on something (though I have had my bouts of "schizoid exhibitionism" where I dated ladies). Of course, these dating phases didn't do much for me, so I have no idea what I am missing here.

I must say that I would love to genuinely have the desire to date without it being another "schizoid exhibitionism" phase. In fact, I quit putting on those occasional "schizoid exhibitionism" dating acts and haven't dated for years because I want everything to unfold in a natural state. Of course, having no natural desire to date...well...you know the rest

When you add on top of this that I am a good-looking guy (and have been told this many of times)...and am constantly bombarded by a "real world" of intimate relationships....I have to admit that I do have some trouble with guilt.

Anyway, this is my own personal example.

I experience guilt in the opposite way in that I don't really fill the position correctly. I know there is something missing and I can sense it in everyday interactions or lack thereof. It really just depends on expectations. It's easy to beat yourself up over what you think is the right way to do something. My wife seems to accept me for who I am and I am able to tolerate her ways of doing things.

I imagine the dating phase is difficult because yeah, there is nothing in it for you. It's not until you are past that, living together where duties are shared so it's kind of nice not having to do or think about certain things. Admittedly, if I lived alone there really wouldn't be that much more I'd have to tackle, I'm a fairly simple, clean human being. However, since I met my SO when I was 16, I really don't know life without one.

I don't know if I'd go chasing something that didn't make sense. I'm in a relationship primarily due to just going with the flow and being a very easy going dude. Seemed like that's what people are supposed to do and like you, if you are decent looking guy, it's fairly easy to get in a relationship.
Considering the statistics, having a SO is not as popular as it once one. I wouldn't beat yourself up over it.

I experience intense guilt about the fact that I'm not working.

The voices put intense pressure on me to work hard.

After all I've done for society, it's STILL not enough.

This is especially true when it comes to serving my race, in spite of the fact that I have been greeted with such intense hostility from the collective over time.

-- Thu Jan 10, 2019 5:26 pm --

I experience intense guilt about the fact that I'm not working.

The voices put intense pressure on me to work hard.

After all I've done for society, it's STILL not enough.

This is especially true when it comes to serving my race, in spite of the fact that I have been greeted with such intense hostility from the collective over time.

iabsurdlyexist wrote:I experience guilt in the opposite way in that I don't really fill the position correctly. I know there is something missing and I can sense it in everyday interactions or lack thereof. It really just depends on expectations. It's easy to beat yourself up over what you think is the right way to do something. My wife seems to accept me for who I am and I am able to tolerate her ways of doing things.

I imagine the dating phase is difficult because yeah, there is nothing in it for you. It's not until you are past that, living together where duties are shared so it's kind of nice not having to do or think about certain things. Admittedly, if I lived alone there really wouldn't be that much more I'd have to tackle, I'm a fairly simple, clean human being. However, since I met my SO when I was 16, I really don't know life without one.

I don't know if I'd go chasing something that didn't make sense. I'm in a relationship primarily due to just going with the flow and being a very easy going dude. Seemed like that's what people are supposed to do and like you, if you are decent looking guy, it's fairly easy to get in a relationship.
Considering the statistics, having a SO is not as popular as it once one. I wouldn't beat yourself up over it.

I see where you are coming from. Since you met a SO when you were 16, you didn't have all of those years of living by yourself and being content with it (accepting it with minimal guilt).

Though I am a good looking guy, about 99% of women are too shy to really talk to me too much. I have been asked out on a date/hang out a couple of times in the past. Of course, I'm not exactly in a workplace environment full of women either. The whole Schizoid thing/behavorial patterns that I put out to women are probably too much for the overwhelming majority to break past. I can understand that, as well. You aren't going to come across many like me in everyday life (I believe Schizoids are probably less than 1% of the total World population).

Anyway, I just wanted to give my example. Thanks for the response. My example should show others that the Psychological conditions of people have a TREMENDOUS impact in everyday life. We must not underestimate the mental aspect.

Yeah, mental health is a complicated beast. Diagnostic criteria somewhat covers the illness but it doesn't really cover all the compounding issues one faces. I mean, I really don't feel I serve a cohesive purpose even though I support a family unit. I feel someone could to it better, although, there is data to show many families are more dysfunctional. It's an odd feeling to be detached from everything even when you are part of it. So, on occasion, I spend time convincing myself that others feel different about my presence than I do. It almost sounds like depression but I don't feel worthless, I just don't feel the same connectedness. I know others get more out of it than I do. For that reason, I show up.

Do you feel that you can somehow change, and stop being schizoid? Because otherwise you have nothing to feel guilty about, you just don't experience it, and it isn't your fault, it is just how it is. Pretending, and going through the motions is pointless if you don't experience it so I don't feel like I had missed anything. It is like missing an opportunity for a gay orgy when you aren't gay.

I see it like depression or anxiety. It's just something there that you can't quite control. It's easy to say just don't feel guilty, depressed or anxious but unfortunately, that's not how it works. I think when you are part of a society, no matter how detached, you still feel the pull of expectations whether they make sense or not. Maybe it takes time, I'm not sure.

What is the guilt about?

I mean, I know from my own personal experiences that I am a terrible person to be in a relationship with. I don't call. I am probably not interested in your day. I certainly don't want to discuss mine. I have zero tolerance for small talk. I probably don't want to celebrate whatever with you because it will take me away from what I had scheduled for myself. In certain aspects, I am kind of an asshole. So I don't feel guilt about 'depriving' people from what would undoubtedly be an unsatisfying relationship.

In the same vein, I certainly don't feel guilty about depriving myself of relationships in the same way I don't feel guilty about depriving myself of the experience of eating dog food. Sure, I don't 100 percent KNOW that I would hate all the flavours of low grade meat slurry if I don't try, but at the same time...I'm fairly confident, based on the current information that I have that the chances of me liking any dog food are pretty low.

As for being different? Everyone is in some way. As for disappointing people? You will disappoint people. They will disappoint you. There is no escaping this -- except through denial.

smirks wrote:What is the guilt about?

I mean, I know from my own personal experiences that I am a terrible person to be in a relationship with. I don't call. I am probably not interested in your day. I certainly don't want to discuss mine. I have zero tolerance for small talk. I probably don't want to celebrate whatever with you because it will take me away from what I had scheduled for myself. In certain aspects, I am kind of an asshole. So I don't feel guilt about 'depriving' people from what would undoubtedly be an unsatisfying relationship.

In the same vein, I certainly don't feel guilty about depriving myself of relationships in the same way I don't feel guilty about depriving myself of the experience of eating dog food. Sure, I don't 100 percent KNOW that I would hate all the flavours of low grade meat slurry if I don't try, but at the same time...I'm fairly confident, based on the current information that I have that the chances of me liking any dog food are pretty low.

As for being different? Everyone is in some way. As for disappointing people? You will disappoint people. They will disappoint you. There is no escaping this -- except through denial.

I hear what you are saying about not asking the other person how their day was, etc. I would not be an easy person to be in a relationship with, no doubt. It would take a more independent, offbeat kind of person to deal with me.

My guilt is that I will sometimes feel the need not to stick out like a sore thumb. I am dealing with that better these days. I will still have to catch myself and remind myself that yes...I have Schizoid Personality Disorder....I do not need to put on some kind of "normal act". If I stick out like a sore thumb, so be it. I have to deal with the reality of my situation instead of trying to brush it aside/be in some kind of (occasional) denial about it (when around other people). I've become more aware of just how difficult my situation is (after constantly trying to shrug it off after I became aware of it).

This is a manifold matter. You have said you are comely. Your thoughts will feel of this, and it may change your life. That is one side. Other persons will know each others ways and hearts. This is not a little thing; they will know the elders of the other and his acquaintances. As you may gather wedding obeys to technology, and it has not been the same for decades and centuries, but has always changed as technology has.

You spoke much of what you called "exhibitionism". After I sought the meaning of this word, I learned that it is filth. I commend to you a longer and exacter communication of your meaning. I know not yet what you meant.