Schizoid Guilt (a severe case of SPD example)

There is no guilt, solitude is an emotional need.

I used to feel this kind of guilt, but it vanished once I realized and accepted that I was happier alone. This realization took a little while to set in, but shedding all those social expectations was a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. Being diagnosed made it all the more easier to accept. Somehow the phrase "personality disorder" was more appealing to me than "character flaw". Plus it gave me the option to blame my childhood/genetics/parents (or whatever was responsible for me having a PD) rather than myself.

smirks wrote:What is the guilt about?

I mean, I know from my own personal experiences that I am a terrible person to be in a relationship with. I don't call. I am probably not interested in your day. I certainly don't want to discuss mine. I have zero tolerance for small talk. I probably don't want to celebrate whatever with you because it will take me away from what I had scheduled for myself. In certain aspects, I am kind of an asshole. So I don't feel guilt about 'depriving' people from what would undoubtedly be an unsatisfying relationship.

This, totally.

I do crave companionship from time to time, though. But not in the sense that most people do; someone to yell at the TV with, or to go out and buy cold medicine and orange juice when I'm too sick to do so myself. Or to speak that tender phrase: "It's your turn to do the dishes."

In the same vein, I certainly don't feel guilty about depriving myself of relationships in the same way I don't feel guilty about depriving myself of the experience of eating dog food. Sure, I don't 100 percent KNOW that I would hate all the flavours of low grade meat slurry if I don't try, but at the same time...I'm fairly confident, based on the current information that I have that the chances of me liking any dog food are pretty low.

I suspect there's someone in the world I could be happy with. But I don't think I have the time to scroll through three billion Tinder profiles. Plus, chances are that that one person with the temperament and interests that I would find acceptable and tolerable is living on some mountain in Malaysia.

"Schizoid Guilt" is an interesting notion. I've never heard it put quite that way before. I definitely experienced it pre-diagnosis. My chestnut wasn't romance, though. It was ambition.

After I graduated high-school with mediocre grades, I realized I had no particular drive for college, building a career, or finding a partner. I chose to stay at home. I wasn't difficult getting along with. I wasn't hostile, criminal, or irresponsible with money. I followed all my families' house-rules, didn't make demands, and kept to myself. When I had to go without, I did, happily. No drugs, no kids, no crappy boyfriend.

You'd think this would be "enough" for anyone, right? But I still couldn't shake the feeling that somehow I was hurting someone living this way, and that I should be feeling very, very bad about it. I didn't, mainly because it didn't make sense to. I just... felt I was supposed to.

More, I kept having this sense of urgency to do something, without knowing exactly what or why. It could be as simple as anxiety that I was short-changing myself in the long-term by not fulfilling some vague idea of potential.

Maybe it was that I was living a mutant kind of hedonism where I was happy to sit, drink coffee, and crochet all day and had the ability to do exactly that. Whatever it was, I eventually got over it. Not sure how.

Seeing from the other comments, this could just be a phase schizoids go through on the road to being comfortable with their schizoid-ness.