I was diagnosed with SPD but I doubt I have it

I was meaning that people often act different at jobs but when alone they act like themselves. I couldn't act like myself when I was by myself. It wasn't as if I was trying to impress anybody or anything. Merely wanting to feel like I used to feel when alone and enjoying things like hobbies rather than always being in my head. Yes, a bunch of schizoids may want to keep work but many are likely to be known for not being much of a social butterfly at the office or even much a team player. I recall being told to try to smile more and eat lunch with them.

NPC wrote:And your second example doesn't match SPD at all, or at least not what other people said and what's written on Wikipedia, as SPD comfortable with who they are and the way the act even though most of them aware of their differences, no?

I'm not at all sure what you mean since the wiki states they are both one way and another causing the lack of emotional motivation to seek help while simultaneously not wanting their living situation. If they were ok with it, it wouldn't be a disorder. I came close to accepting my new life but it always bothered me that I didn't ask for it. I don't like being not in control of myself even if it seems harmless.

NPC wrote:but how you realized it's SPD, or why your psychologist (assuming you got diagnosed) thought it's SPD? don't get me wrong, I don't think you don't have it, I just want to understand why one thing is SPD and another is Depression.

I was diagnosed for whatever it's worth. SPD is a personality that one who has it doesn't want. It can be created a number of ways. Depression is a problem with neurotransmitters that can change with age but tends to be genetic. Both can be at the same time. If you look up the symptoms of depression they are pretty much identical. Note the red where it shows that not every depression case has every symptom. There are plenty in there I haven't ever had.

NPC wrote:you said you felt something is wrong with you, which your feeling is a result of spending 6 1/2 years in isolation

No no no. I've worked in my current employment for that long. I felt this way before that when around many others and I had worked less than half that 6 1/2 years before it settled in. It was around 8 or 9 years ago. This wasn't because of any career path. It was thanks to my lunatic drama queen of an ex who was a mix of a genderswapped version of the movie Gone Girl and a Weebo Jack Nicholson in the Shining. 7 years of him selling drugs and constantly having altercations involving guns made me not quite right after. It was "ok" though, because I never cried once after I got back home after him forcing me to live in another country where I didn't know the language. Many remarked how well I was handling it though I couldn't get how I couldn't react like I thought one should. Obviously, post-trauma is a huge part of it for me as well but that doesn't change the fact that I had a disordered personality because of it.

NPC wrote:I assume you decided to change something?

I was told I had to go. I went due to being bugged about it daily.

NPC wrote:How you or your psychologist connected it to SPD?

Like I said. There were a couple of things that didn't match. When going back to the wiki the differences were I had a new found assertiveness thanks to my experience making me never want to be out of control again.

In regards to the love and sexuality bit, I'm sexual but not romantic now. I used to be both. Even then I'm not very sexual in the bedroom with the opposite sex like I used to be. I'm bisexual and have never viewed women in a romantic sense as I used to with men, however, I'm able to be more comfortable sexually with women...though I'm still more attracted to men sexually. I was never sexually abused by either gender.

A person with a personality disorder doesn't have to match every last one. I matched all but something like 7 out of near 50 of those symptoms on that chart so I was still diagnosed. Obviously, the psychologist didn't use that chart but it is a good example.

I'm mostly normal now after going to therapy weekly for almost 2 years and stabilized meds but still, I slip back into some SPD habits on occasion. Most of the traits on that chart are gone though some are a work in progress.

NPC wrote:people with SPD comfortable with how they are, in one way or another.

I believe those who are ok with it are simply introverts. It wouldn't be a disorder if they were comfortable. It's more being too apathetic to bother to try to change. Since we aren't the types who have friends, go running amock, and reeking havoc nobody usually pushes us to go to seek out help.

NPC wrote:You felt something is wrong because you compared yourself to how you were before your isolated period in life (or still is), but what triggered this comparison? one of the possible answers is obviously your day-to-day life, but then how it's different from Depression? being depressed doesn't necessarily mean crying, it can be emptiness too.

My mood disorder is one that changes week by week. My dad has the same one. There are different types of bipolar. He will be stable one week, acting in a good mood and hyper like on espresso the week, quiet and irritable with no energy the next and depressed with high energy a following week.

I used to be like that but once this personality reared its cynical head, I was flat with emotion though with the same high and low energy levels. I never had "happy days" I was stable and "meh" or irritable and reclusive.

NPC wrote:sorry if it feels like I'm attacking/accusing you, it's all for the purpose of understanding SPD better.

No worries! It doesn't feel like that at all. If I sounded frustrated it's because I was trying to tie up work and having to pause from writing here (while attempting a break) to deal with lots random very unexpected things. Today has been weird for me since about dawn and hasn't seemed to be chilling out yet. Plus, I didn't want to write this novella again if/when the site logged me out. -.-;

Holodeck wrote:I was meaning that people often act different at jobs but when alone they act like themselves. I couldn't act like myself when I was by myself. It wasn't as if I was trying to impress anybody or anything. Merely wanting to feel like I used to feel when alone and enjoying things like hobbies rather than always being in my head. Yes, a bunch of schizoids may want to keep work but many are likely to be known for not being much of a social butterfly at the office or even much a team player. I recall being told to try to smile more and eat lunch with them.

NPC wrote:And your second example doesn't match SPD at all, or at least not what other people said and what's written on Wikipedia, as SPD comfortable with who they are and the way the act even though most of them aware of their differences, no?

I'm not at all sure what you mean since the wiki states they are both one way and another causing the lack of emotional motivation to seek help while simultaneously not wanting their living situation. If they were ok with it, it wouldn't be a disorder. I came close to accepting my new life but it always bothered me that I didn't ask for it. I don't like being not in control of myself even if it seems harmless.

NPC wrote:but how you realized it's SPD, or why your psychologist (assuming you got diagnosed) thought it's SPD? don't get me wrong, I don't think you don't have it, I just want to understand why one thing is SPD and another is Depression.

I was diagnosed for whatever it's worth. SPD is a personality that one who has it doesn't want. It can be created a number of ways. Depression is a problem with neurotransmitters that can change with age but tends to be genetic. Both can be at the same time. If you look up the symptoms of depression they are pretty much identical. Note the red where it shows that not every depression case has every symptom. There are plenty in there I haven't ever had.

NPC wrote:you said you felt something is wrong with you, which your feeling is a result of spending 6 1/2 years in isolation

No no no. I've worked in my current employment for that long. I felt this way before that when around many others and I had worked less than half that 6 1/2 years before it settled in. It was around 8 or 9 years ago. This wasn't because of any career path. It was thanks to my lunatic drama queen of an ex who was a mix of a genderswapped version of the movie Gone Girl and a Weebo Jack Nicholson in the Shining. 7 years of him selling drugs and constantly having altercations involving guns made me not quite right after. It was "ok" though because I never cried once after I got back home after him forcing me to live in another country where I didn't know the language. Many remarked how well I was handling it though I couldn't get how I couldn't react like I thought one should. Obviously, post-trauma is a huge part of it for me as well but that doesn't change the fact that I had a disordered personality because of it.

NPC wrote:I assume you decided to change something?

I was told I had to go. I went due to being bugged about it daily.

NPC wrote:How you or your psychologist connected it to SPD?

Like I said. There were a couple of things that didn't match. When going back to the wiki the differences were I had a new found assertiveness thanks to my experience making me never want to be out of control again.

In regards to the love and sexuality bit, I'm sexual but not romantic now. I used to be both. Even then I'm not very sexual in the bedroom with the opposite sex like I used to be. I'm bisexual and have never viewed women in a romantic sense as I used to with men, however, I'm able to be more comfortable sexually with women...though I'm still more attracted to men sexually. I was never sexually abused by either gender.

A person with a personality disorder doesn't have to match every last one. I matched all but something like 7 out of near 50 of those symptoms on that chart so I was still diagnosed. Obviously, the psychologist didn't use that chart but it is a good example.

I'm mostly normal now after going to therapy weekly for almost 2 years and stabilized meds but still, I slip back into some SPD habits on occasion. Most of the traits on that chart are gone though some are a work in progress.

NPC wrote:people with SPD comfortable with how they are, in one way or another.

I believe those who are ok with it are simply introverts. It wouldn't be a disorder if they were comfortable. It's more being too apathetic to bother to try to change. Since we aren't the types who have friends, go running amock, and reeking havoc nobody usually pushes us to go to seek out help.

NPC wrote:You felt something is wrong because you compared yourself to how you were before your isolated period in life (or still is), but what triggered this comparison? one of the possible answers is obviously your day-to-day life, but then how it's different from Depression? being depressed doesn't necessarily mean crying, it can be emptiness too.

My mood disorder is one that changes week by week. My dad has the same one. There are different types of bipolar. He will be stable one week, acting in a good mood and hyper like on espresso the week, quiet and irritable with no energy the next and depressed with high energy a following week.

I used to be like that but once this personality reared its cynical head, I was flat with emotion though with the same high and low energy levels. I never had "happy days" I was stable and "meh" or irritable and reclusive.

Wow, your (past) life sounds like some mix between "Not Without My Daughter", "Misery" and a movie about drugs I can't remember (hopefully my mix makes sense haha).
From all the videos I saw, I really thought Schizoid people are all on the "radical" side of this disorder (literal psychopaths with a different name). good to hear that it's pretty far from being true, even though there's something attractive in psychopaths minds. but it all just made me more confused about myself and about my doubts (not your fault if what ).
I know, the best way to be sure is probably to wait until I turn 18-24, but as I said it's pretty problematic due to my service in the army. I actually kinda hoped whatever I have would help me to get out of the army, only the idea of burning 3 years of my life makes me in angry, especially as I value time more than my country or people lives (funny to say it as someone who spends all his time on the computer hah). Besides my egoistic hopes, I'm interested to know what I have.

Holodeck wrote: No worries! It doesn't feel like that at all. If I sounded frustrated it's because I was trying to tie up work and having to pause from writing here (while attempting a break) to deal with lots random very unexpected things. Today has been weird for me since about dawn and hasn't seemed to be chilling out yet. Plus, I didn't want to write this novella again if/when the site logged me out. -.-;

Sounds like adult life isn't fun hopefully it will be better tomorrow. anyway, thanks for taking your time and responding on a busy day like today!

You don't have to quote whole pages of text, @username is good for responses to large chunks.

The way I see Schizoid is that I am comfortable in my asocial skin. A normal introvert still needs to be social or they may become depressed. As a Schizoid, I may become depressed from too much socialization. So at work, I can do my job just fine and mask socialization but I don't get anything from it. I do it because it's required of my position and am able to do it for that reason. Even that can become overwhelming at times due to the type of socialization required.

While emotions are a piece of being Schizoid, it's mostly about sociality. The emotional affectivity is towards other people. The rest of the criteria is mostly about how we deal with other people and how we provide for our aloneness.

People who are depressed have similar symptoms but they want to get back to their social selves even though it's a struggle. For me, depression just makes my negative symptoms (anhedonia, apathy and avolition) worse. For an SPD diagnosis, it requires that the pattern of behavior is enduring and not limited to episodes, like depression. Of course, there is also persistent depressive disorder. I have both.

iabsurdlyexist wrote:You don't have to quote whole pages of text, @username is good for responses to large chunks.

Sorry, it will take time for me to get used to this site.

The way I see Schizoid is that I am comfortable in my asocial skin. A normal introvert still needs to be social or they may become depressed.

Interesting. For now, it seems like if you take a planet and place all the Schizoids there, they'll still be divided into groups of "normal" and "others". everyone has a different experience with SPD, some of them are more extreme, some in the middle and some who in the Schizoid planet scenario would be considered "normal".

As a Schizoid, I may become depressed from too much socialization.

Is there anything particular that trigger your depression? for example, do you get stressed from communicating too much, like if you got tired and uncomfortable being too long with your mask on?

Even that can become overwhelming at times due to the type of socialization required.

oh, you pretty much answered my question. anyway, it's what may trigger your depression?


What emotions do you experience more frequently? when and what causes them?

Neutral is my usual emotion. Depression is something that happens to me when I exhaust my resources. Those resources are spent trying to mask.

I think normal depression is just running out of resources of being something. Doing too much. So, Schizoid depression is doing too much fitting in.

I actually did very well in school and college because I just did what I was supposed to do. Show up and do some homework? Very easy. Interaction was rarely required. I appeared to fit in for the most part.

Work requires more than that. Networking can get complicated. Appearing or acting a certain way can be tiring. It's fairly easy to put on a show but to maintain the show is difficult. You can only fake it at a certain level before it becomes work.

If you're getting tired of it, why you do it in the first place? why not playing a role that fitting you the best? I get if you can't do it at work, you do need to interact with people at this point, but you could do it when you went to school/college.
I personally, even if it's not the best comparison as we live in different places with different cultures and behaviors, took the outcast path. I don't have friends, I never come to school trips (if they're more than one day), I get "sick" often, I never participated in any school or class activities, never started a conversation or did great at school, just nothing special. it's not the perfect way as at first, teenagers (13-15) get annoyed from the idea that there's someone who doesn't want to socialize with them. But, after you get over this stage, nobody cares anymore and you completely free to live your boring life (at least in my case). I wasn't in school for almost a week (tho I'm actually sick) and nobody noticed (or care), not even my teacher.

And just in case - I miss school not because of the people. school is too boring, I just automatically use any little chance I have to escape this boredom and stay at home. with that being said, it doesn't affect my grades, even though they're not perfect (maybe doing HW would help me hah, too lazy to start).

ADD:

I know you said it was rarely required. I don't know what you been by it, but still...

When I was your age, I skipped plenty of school and even missed half a year. I still ended up with a High School education and eventually a Master's degree. Being educated is important and I think schools need to do a better job keeping up to date with what is important in today's society. Public education is bit difficult considering the spectrum of students they encounter.

I actually quit doing it. I haven't been employed for over a year. Luckily, with my education and other factors, I was able to make enough money and still live somewhat comfortably. I did seek help finding a position that would suit my condition but apparently, there isn't much help with that. They can diagnose you and give you medication but beyond that, knowing what to actually do with you doesn't seem like something they really consider. I mean, finding a job is probably easy, finding the right environment is not.

iabsurdlyexist wrote: finding a job is probably easy, finding the right environment is not.

What's the perfect environment for you, or is it possible to find one?
And do you think you set high expectations that could be somewhat unrealistic, even though you perfectly understand it? (pretty random question, sorry)

I had a perfect environment in my last job. I had a manager who understood my quirks and let me do my thing with little monitoring. They presented the face while I provided the work. It's my fault that I took the promotions and responsibility. It's odd to say it but I really didn't know any better. I guess I thought I could get away with my style of work at higher levels. I actually did for awhile but then the environment started changing and it was about how you looked, not necessarily what you produced. I knew I didn't have what they wanted.

I have (had?) somewhat high expectations for myself and at times, wished others did also. I don't think anything too unrealistic though. Do you? Is that why you asked?

iabsurdlyexist wrote:I knew I didn't have what they wanted.

Sorry to hear that. hopefully, you'll find something that perfectly fits you and won't change as it happened before.

iabsurdlyexist wrote: Do you? Is that why you asked?

No, not really. as I said previously about my name, I do have some sort of "hopes" or "dreams", but I wouldn't say they're not "high expectations". When I don't dream, I guess my "high expectations" are like yours - from my self.

though I do have two things that I personally experience and would like to hear your thoughts about that and know if you have/had a similar experience:

1) Have you ever set on the bus or just talked to somebody and thought that someone might read your mind? don't worry, I know it's impossible hah, but sometimes I do imagine like a person who stands in front of me can read my mind as they start to look at me weirdly, and I usually curse them and imagine how I would murder them slowly or some other strange things. also, sometimes when I listen to music I imagine that there might be a mind-reader or an alien on the bus, so I put my favorite songs just in case. But again, I do not believe that mind-readers exist, nor magicians, monsters, and dragons, or assumed they might exist.

2) Have you ever felt like someone (someone particular) may secretly fell in love with you (or just likes you)? As before, I don't actually think that it might happen like that, and I personally ignore that feeling most of the time. oh and in my case, the particular person is not necessarily someone I know, it might be someone in my class who I never talked to or even a random girl who I find attractive.