I was diagnosed with SPD but I doubt I have it

Hi NPC,

it may be helpful if you answer yourself the following questions:
how was/is the relation to your mother? e.g. emotionally cold/warm, so so, much/not much physical contact as a child
any ACE (adverse childhood experience) your remember?
any ACE you don't remember, age before 3 (but being told about)?
e.g. mother went full time job again, younger or older sibling (mother routine/neglect for you),
divorce of parents, illness of mother (both pyhsical or psychological), moving,
illness of you being longer at the hospital
do you have any physical problems? e.g. sleeping disorder, abnormal sweating, aching back, other chronic problems
do you have problems handling stress? e.g. long lasting aftermath with deep thoughts you can't get rid of
Depending on how you answer these questions, it's more or less likely that you experienced an early childhood trauma with a complex PTSD as consequence. Whether you call it SPD or not is of minor importance. If so you have definitely a problem you should care about.

Are you willing to reveal why you sought a psychologist? That would provide some more insight. We can't diagnose but can at least provide you some insight.

at the end of my 9th, my teacher did a private meeting with us and our parents to discuss our grades and in general how we perform at school. I'm pretty lazy when it comes to school so I missed quite a lot of school days, and so happened that one of those days was a memorial day for the soldiers who died in action, which is a sensitive topic as much as it is in the US. my teacher asked me why I didn't come and after a couple more questions I got tired of it as said that I just didn't care enough to come. my teacher tried to ignore my words but after a minute or two, she said she can't and told me to leave the class (the place where the "private" meeting took place) and she called our school psychologist. the psychologist was pretty cool with me and after she understood that maybe I shouldn't say stuff like that but it's a democratic country and I can say whatever I want if I believe it or not (at least that's what I built my defense around), and so she moved to a different topic - why I don't have friends and don't take part in class activities. our conversation didn't take a lot of time as at some point she said I look at her very aggressively and she feels like at any point I might just hit her (not that I would but how else should I look like after I what happened?), and she just gave me a recommendation for a psychologist who's part of my HMO (means it's free if I'm under 18).
I didn't decide immediately, but I was a bit curious and I thought that maybe it will help me somehow to get an exemption from the army (we have a mandatory service).
And that's how I found myself seeing a psychologist for the second time in my life (first was in elementary school).

iabsurdlyexist wrote:For the friends section, I have seen it where Schizoids are sensitive in their younger years and then they shut off that side of themselves. However, it's difficult to gauge Schizoidness in the teenage years since teens deal with a lot of issues. I didn't feel the need to have friends, however, people cured my boredom. I was more of the observer type, not really interacting.

I believe Schizoids tend to have basic emotions, they are just reduced. So yeah, you may laugh or crack a smile but more often than not you will have reduced affect display unless you are masking. I have seen that Schizoids may be more emotional around movies or imaginary events than real life events. So, internally there may be an emotional landscape but it's being repressed. I think it goes with the theory of hiding yourself away from the harsh world.

I don't have an inner fantasy world. I imagine what I think would be a perfect world but I don't place myself inside of it and play things out per se. I create scenarios to see if things will work out, basically, debating myself. I can picture things in my head so I would be capable if I tried. I guess I just don't do well with imaginative play.

Holodeck wrote:Hi NPC, and welcome. Love your name. It gave me a chuckle. Also, your English is great.

Can't diagnose here but personally, I feel SPD or any PD for that matter is a symptom and a step to solving the issue (often I suspect issues) rather than a concrete issue. To me, any doctor who leaves it as a PD being it isn't doing their job properly. Most SPD folks don't bother going in to a doctor for this dx unless forced so not much info is out there. I have however seen quite a rise in the number of diagnoses of those who have within the forum than I did when I joined. I matched all but two or three traits out of the ton listed here. You don't have to hit every marker but again SPD is an umbrella term that's supposed to be the first step to managing therapy sessions.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_ ... 's_profile

I'd count your inner world/fantasies even if on a smaller scale. I look at it as more of an escape and have heard of those who don't have a lot of detail. I recall one who said they imagined living in a world devoid of all but themselves. With social media, it sounds like you get where they're coming from because you see yourself in them. Once it's no longer interesting, or it's purely them as themselves, it's no longer yourself in them you feel it isn't worth pursuing the contact. Seems pretty normal to me more than creepy.

You certainly had a bad childhood. I've seen many here including myself who can relate. This often leads to few if any friends. Having no desire for friends, yet once if not still, sort of having one is a schizoid trait so you wanting them to the point of tears as a kid still fits. I'm pretty sure all teens are emotional to a large extent with hormones going nuts in themselves. I was emotional as a teen despite being dx'ed so I doubt that has anything to do with it. In fact, you aren't supposed to be diagnosed if you were always SPD. I too have had the 50/50 emotions. If alone it's easier. In person, it's basically been nonexistent. I'm roughly the same with humor and have temporarily found things funny if, I guess you could say, "caught off guard."

I didn't develop major symptoms to land myself a diagnosis until I was around 25. I noticed I was not myself at all but wrote it off that I had been through a humungously abusive marriage/divorce on top of what all childhood issues. I was 30 when I got my dx. I doubt you "fake it" and I'm sure some do act colder but I'm also positive many do act like you and I. Many have denial over their emotions too. Source: I did and thanks to the amnesia bipolar can bring I assumed no huge depressive emotions were had until I found physical evidence I had written and recalled most of it. After my dx we slowly worked through everything that happened and how I dealt with everything. My dad has a mood disorder and it turns out I have the same one but with added trauma. After stabilizing my depression I was placed on ADHD meds, the disorder was the cause of me having lack of focus and being overwhelmed around certain environments when not one-on-one that SPD's so often get. I found I can replace the ADHD meds with green tea and it seems to do the same without any bad side effects. It also balances out a bunch of stress chemicals. I've been pretty happy with where my emotions are at this point so working on trauma but that's basically it.

Turned out I was experiencing lack of emotion due to a more severe depression via my regular bipolar I inherited from my dad. Depression at that level makes emotions turn off and my trauma is due to lots of people from child and adulthood. Even if you don't have adult trauma I suspect your childhood gave you a severe enough lack of trust and depression to even be around them that it easily could have made you go a similar path.

Sorry that I don't answer you individually, but it's pretty much raised the same question -
What's the actual difference between a Schizoid and a "normal" person?
The "reduced emotions" part isn't clear to me. I know there are people who are more "emotional", but aren't they just a different type of "actors"? and if so, doesn't it make Schizoid is some way more "normal" than others?
Also, there are many teenagers around my age (17+, males as well) who aren't exactly "full" of emotions, and some of them in this way or another understand the whole "acting" thing.
I know that the "acting" thing isn't some "secret". if so, what make Schizoid different if most of them "act" as well?

btw, thanks for taking your time and replying to my question!

orinoco wrote:Hi NPC,

it may be helpful if you answer yourself the following questions:
how was/is the relation to your mother? e.g. emotionally cold/warm, so so, much/not much physical contact as a child
any ACE (adverse childhood experience) your remember?
any ACE you don't remember, age before 3 (but being told about)?
e.g. mother went full time job again, younger or older sibling (mother routine/neglect for you),
divorce of parents, illness of mother (both pyhsical or psychological), moving,
illness of you being longer at the hospital
do you have any physical problems? e.g. sleeping disorder, abnormal sweating, aching back, other chronic problems
do you have problems handling stress? e.g. long lasting aftermath with deep thoughts you can't get rid of
Depending on how you answer these questions, it's more or less likely that you experienced an early childhood trauma with a complex PTSD as consequence. Whether you call it SPD or not is of minor importance. If so you have definitely a problem you should care about.

1) my relationship with my mother:

I would say my relationship with her was very warm. my mother is the only person I can trust and most of the time I tell her everything.
nowadays it's a bit colder, I'm a teenager after all. besides that, the years and the amount of stress she dealt and still dealing with made their mark, so now she doesn't work (back injury), she suffers from depression and in general became a "bag" of phobias and problems.

2) Adverse childhood experience:

I actually remember a couple, though I will address only the bad ones:

A) kindergarten (the one where it all started) - I remember that there was one girl which I liked and she liked me. one day the I remember "bully" wanted to hit her. she's the girl I liked, and in general my friend, so I stood in front of him and didn't let him harm her. even though I didn't hit him back, the kindergarten teacher (and director) took me aside by force, shook me while saying that I'm bad and didn't let me play with other kids that day.

B)kindergarten (Same one) - I was a very good child back then, and so I didn't complain about the kindergarten and went there every day. one day, on the way to kindergarten, my mother set down and begin to cry. back then I didn't understand why she cried, but my mother told me she found out how they treated me and fought with the child organization to change a kindergarten.
It was the best kindergarten in my city and the teacher had a very good reputation, so it wasn't easy to prove anything. luckily, my previous kindergarten teacher took my mother's side, and after half a year (or more) they finally let me change the kindergarten. the damage was done and I had to stay for another year because of my emotional problems (anger, mostly).

C)New kindergarten (1/2 a year) - many bad things happen there. I fought a lot, I stole and even "played" David vs. Goliath and won. from there I stopped to take part in any kind of social activities (besides playing with other children); I viewed singing as something uncomfortable and awkward, and so dancing and whatever else my kindergarten did for the parents.

The "David vs. Goliath" story - I fought the strongest and biggest kid in our kindergarten, and before he even realized anything I took a piece of his gums and caused him to bleed to death... not really, but I still won and you still can notice the missing flesh.

D) New kindergarten (1 year) - New children replaced those who went to their first year at school. everything was the same as before, just became a bit lonely as other children not always allowed me to play with them. I don't remember that it bothered me too much, I just played alone and imaged that ants and flowers are aliens and spaceships. so yeah, many ants died this year, but not flowers, I picked those who fell down.

E) My dad - There's not much to say. my dad has many women (he didn't marry them) and he left my mother and me when I was 4 years old. I rarely went to see him as I was a bit scared of him and didn't like how he talks to my mother, and when I did visit him it was because I wanted to see my older sister and brother (I have 3 brothers and one sister, each one of them from a different mother). He was and still is a bad father.

My relationship with my dad and brothers today:

I think it might be important:

dad:
nowadays I don't talk with my dad as I told him what kind of person he is (I heard it even hurt his ego a bit) after he called my mother and said stuff like: "I don't need this $#%^. I'm sure I'll find him masturbating on the stairs with mucus coming from his mouth", basically saying that my mother is a "sick bitch" and she had to give him to raise me, but now I'm already "broken" and he doesn't need a son like me. he also stopped to "help" us financially because what I told him (something he rarely did anyway).

brothers:
My sister fought with my dad a couple of years ago and since then we spoke only a couple of times. my brother lived with my dad while he studied at school as his mother is alcoholic, but he ran away from him when he was around my age back to his mother, and I'm in a good relationship with him even though I don't write him too often. and finally, my two young brothers don't really care and so I am, so I don't have any connection with them.

3) Childhood experience I don't remember:

I remember only one thing my mother told me about. she told me that when I was a baby my dad often threatened her that he will kill me, and one time (or more) he took me and held me through the window and threatened to throw me. I don't really know what caused him to threaten my mother this way, but I do know he used to take drugs and drink (now he's "just" drinking and taking drugs like LSD) and he can be extremely aggressive.
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I just want to point out something important: My mother let me to met with my father because he could most of the time control himself and she wanted me to have some kind of a relationship with my father. besides that, my dad paid us aliment (Alimony, Spousal support) even though he paid less than he had to and sometimes didn't pay at all. and no, she wasn't greedy, we were poor and her babysitting/cleaning jobs didn't really help her
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4) Physical problems:

Chronic? not really. I do have some teenage problems such as knees problem, but anywhere between 18 to 24, they should fade away.

5) Stress:

I do not experience stress, or at least I don't notice if I do. I live a very messy life, I do everything at the last moment, but I can't say it's stressing me, nor bother me too much.
same about the thoughts. since I was little, the idea of dying bothered me. first, it started from the idea that my mother will die one day (when I was a child) and then moved to my own death. even now, I often imagine how it's not to exist, as an atheist I don't believe in an afterlife, and it often makes me think how it will feel if someone makes a clone with my DNA and memory - will I be the same person? physics say that two exact things are one, or something like that, but who knows - or what if I freeze my body and till someone find a way to thaw a human without destroying him completely. anyway, it doesn't stress me, it just makes me feel empty and sometimes jealous for those who will live at the time when living forever, or at least more than 82 years on average (in my country), will be possible. in general, I have many thoughts like this one as I think about such stuff all the time and had a lot of time to do so, if it's about death, society or other philosophical ideas that my teenage mind think I can figure. I know it might sound like depression (I guess?), but I don't think I'm depressed, as I have many things that are opposed to it and my thoughts about death and such things different in many ways of those who suffer from depression. also, I remind you that thoughts about death often come from our survival instincts, and from there my thoughts come.
I'm not always comfortable with my thoughts, but I still glad to have them they way they are.

I hope I answered all your questions, and thanks for taking your time to replay!

As emillionth quoted, NPC is a "non-payer character". I chose this name because it's connected to the thoughts I had for the last couple of years. there's nothing interesting happen in my life and the world seems like a pretty boring place (where are all the Aliens, werewolves, monsters, time machines and some sort of evil that controls the world, huh?), it feels like even if anything going to happen or already happening, I won't be part of it - I'm an insignificant NPC which you barely see around.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that life isn't interesting and probably no one going to experience anything in the sort of things I mentioned above, but I still can't stop feeling this way, especially not after a good movie (I don't really like fantasy books) or an anime (yes, I'm a sinner, I do watch Anime). I can say that even when it comes to little things, like school, I still feel this way. people having their life going on while I sit and view it from the side.

NPC wrote:Chronic? not really. I do have some teenage problems such as knees problem, but anywhere between 18 to 24, they should fade away.

Sorry to break it to you dearie, but I've had knee problems long before teenage years and trust me, they don't go away. I've found tai chi can help but the pain crops right back up eventually.

NPC wrote:Sorry that I don't answer you individually, but it's pretty much raised the same question -
What's the actual difference between a Schizoid and a "normal" person?
The "reduced emotions" part isn't clear to me. I know there are people who are more "emotional", but aren't they just a different type of "actors"? and if so, doesn't it make Schizoid is some way more "normal" than others?

Depression makes one less emotional. If Schizoid is the way you feel is "you" and you want to be that way...great. For those with a disorder, it means we don't feel comfortable with our state of being. Basically, put it's saying who cares about actors? Disordered folks don't want to play roles of people they feel they want to be while off stage. The way a person "acts," or puts on a face, isn't their personality. It's how they want to be that defines their version of "normal."

NPC wrote:Also, there are many teenagers around my age (17+, males as well) who aren't exactly "full" of emotions, and some of them in this way or another understand the whole "acting" thing.

Which is why doctors aren't supposed to diagnose until people are adults. Men are generally taught to be less emotional and don't typically know how to express themselves. Teens have stress so hence we've made the full circle back to depression.

Holodeck wrote:Sorry to break it to you dearie, but I've had knee problems long before teenage years and trust me, they don't go away. I've found tai chi can help but the pain crops right back up eventually.

haha. well, I'm still pretty young to care about my medical condition, so see you on the "General Health" forum in ten years, I guess

Holodeck wrote:Depression makes one less emotional. If Schizoid is the way you feel is "you" and you want to be that way...great. For those with a disorder, it means we don't feel comfortable with our state of being. Basically, put it's saying who cares about actors? Disordered folks don't want to play roles of people they feel they want to be while off stage. The way a person "acts," or puts on a face, isn't their personality. It's how they want to be that defines their version of "normal."

But aren't "normal" people are like that? many people, in my opinion, and from what I saw, build and play their rule all the time while keeping their true self inside their inner world, that at some point get overwhelmed and "explode".
I see this phenomenon many times in "perfect" people, those who always do everything the best and get the best results. yes, many of them are doing it for their parents and a society which set high expectations for them, but there's also the kind which forcing it on themselves. those people often take as much as the "perfect" people do, but the difference is that nobody expects them to do it, nor they say they want it. it often feels like they love the feel of heavy chains, if it makes sense, and going to put more and more weight until their body will collapse (not necessarily physically),
so to my point: there are many people, not Schizoids, who build an identity to themselves which not necessarily represent their true self - If it's for your parents and society, or for your masochistic pleasure.

Holodeck wrote:Which is why doctors aren't supposed to diagnose until people are adults. Men are generally taught to be less emotional and don't typically know how to express themselves. Teens have stress so hence we've made the full circle back to depression.

It's true that men taught to be less emotional, even though men become less and less tough due to the new society standards (I guess) and social media. but isn't it what psychologist for? to open yourself no matter how "tough" or unconfident you are. I don't think it's a problem, not if you're an adult, young adult or a teenage male.
though it's true about teenage emotions due to their testosterone, but that's why you visit your psychologist more than once. teenagers have a radical change in their emotions, they became too aggressive and then depressed, love and then hate, want to save and then kill - very radical. but the thing is, it's possible to notice what's due to testosterone and what is not, as many disorders and mental illnesses have patterns of behavior. combine it with opening yourself to a professional psychologist and you should get a pretty accurate diagnose. but of course, it's not the same with every kind of disorder and illness, like ASP which requires you to be 18+.

NPC wrote:(yes, I'm a sinner, I do watch Anime)

I thought you'd only be a sinner if you played hentai visual novels. Because they're usually so bad that they even make hentai boring, and that's unacceptable.

emillionth wrote: I thought you'd only be a sinner if you played hentai visual novels. Because they're usually so bad that they even make hentai boring, and that's unacceptable.

hahaha. I guess I'm just on the surface of hell for now, still haven't tried this type of... porn?
though I never was a fan of hentai, the animation is always bad and their sex organs too big, maybe it's the only reason why hentai is still legal

NPC wrote:But aren't "normal" people are like that?

Yes, but not all the time. It's different (at least in my opinion) to pretend to be a certain way to not get fired from a job and verses hating how you don't act like yourself even when you're alone. I've worked from home for a little over 6 1/2 years. I knew something was wrong because I rarely have to deal with people yet still felt like an android the majority of the time whether around anyone or not. That isn't normal for me. Before my mid-twenties I was extraordinarily different. I've never been an introvert but before I was very social after I would hardly leave home except to go to the store and other necessary excursions.

I went from having a bunch of hobbies to spending days dissociating while pacing. I stopped reaching out to people. I couldn't cry, smile, express or even feel any emotion including empathy when anyone said or did anything that would've made the old me respond in those ways.

NPC wrote:It's true that men taught to be less emotional, even though men become less and less tough due to the new society standards (I guess) and social media. but isn't it what psychologist for? to open yourself no matter how "tough" or unconfident you are. I don't think it's a problem, not if you're an adult, young adult or a teenage male.

Psychologists can help for sure. I'm not sure either how well the new standards help other than raising awareness. It is a good beginning but if a family raises their kid in their traditional manner that will cause effects good or bad no matter what the standards are. I do believe the new standards will help future generations though since I imagine many won't want to have their kids grow up with that pressure the way they did.

NPC wrote:though it's true about teenage emotions due to their testosterone, but that's why you visit your psychologist more than once. teenagers have a radical change in their emotions, they became too aggressive and then depressed, love and then hate, want to save and then kill - very radical. but the thing is, it's possible to notice what's due to testosterone and what is not, as many disorders and mental illnesses have patterns of behavior.

You're about half correct. Testosterone does the opposite. It's a very "feel good" hormone. Estrogen in high doses can cause stress and depression (which is likely why there are more cases of women with depression). Also, both man and women have testosterone as well as estrogen though men have more testosterone and women more estrogen. I'm not at all saying low testosterone or estrogen is to blame for all stress and depression as many things can but wanted to clarify that testosterone isn't to blame for less confident emotions.

NPC wrote:it's not the same with every kind of disorder and illness, like ASP which requires you to be 18+.

It's more responsible with personality disorders to wait until adulthood as teens are so emotional
as well as their brains are still changing that it's difficult to know day by day what's going on up there. Even if the kid is being a risk to themselves or others I feel it's best not to diagnose but rather help via talk therapy. On top of that (especially with teenagers who are trying to figure themselves out) diagnosis can be a huge detriment. Even adults can have it go wrong by having a pd become a self-fulfilling prophecy where they resign to assuming they'll never get better. People also wind up having every symptom when before they didn't simply because they think that's what it means to be the pd so they go into denial thinking they "were always like that." It's like a hypochondriac who hears of an illness. They may have a cough. They remember the symptoms included that and perhaps itchiness and now they feel itchiness that is only in their minds.

Holodeck wrote: Yes, but not all the time. It's different (at least in my opinion) to pretend to be a certain way to not get fired from a job and verses hating how you don't act like yourself even when you're alone. I've worked from home for a little over 6 1/2 years. I knew something was wrong because I rarely have to deal with people yet still felt like an android the majority of the time whether around anyone or not. That isn't normal for me. Before my mid-twenties I was extraordinarily different. I've never been an introvert but before I was very social after I would hardly leave home except to go to the store and other necessary excursions.

But your first example is fitting both Schizoids and "normal" people. as far as I know, Schizoids do care about their carers, or at least their disorder probably not causing them to leave their jobs. so this way, Schizoids would act the same way anyone else reacts by pretending as long as this job worth it. And your second example doesn't match SPD at all, or at least not what other people said and what's written on Wikipedia, as SPD comfortable with who they are and the way the act even though most of them aware of their differences, no?

Holodeck wrote:I went from having a bunch of hobbies to spending days dissociating while pacing. I stopped reaching out to people. I couldn't cry, smile, express or even feel any emotion including empathy when anyone said or did anything that would've made the old me respond in those ways.

Sorry to hear about that, but how you realized it's SPD, or why your psychologist (assuming you got diagnosed) thought it's SPD? don't get me wrong, I don't think you don't have it, I just want to understand why one thing is SPD and another is Depression.
you said you felt something is wrong with you, which your feeling is a result of spending 6 1/2 years in isolation, so I assume you decided to change something? like going to a psychologist, but how you or your psychologist connected it to SPD? as I said before, as far as I know, people with SPD comfortable with how they are, in one way or another. well, you know what I was about to write, and you can claim that you felt something is wrong because you compared yourself to how you were before your isolated period in life (or still is), but what triggered this comparison? one of the possible answers is obviously your day-to-day life, but then how it's different from Depression? being depressed doesn't necessarily mean crying, it can be emptiness too. and again, sorry if it feels like I'm attacking/accusing you, it's all for the purpose of understanding SPD better.