Love Myself Only?

So I recently broke up with my bf. So now the only person left to love is my mom. She has done a lot for me in life. She has really gone the extra mile compared to some parents. I'm grateful.

But some things about her annoy me, like how she doesn't get that I don't have much money until my job starts but says, "if you can buy cigarettes, you can by X" when I buy cigarettes because I'm addicted to them and have tried to quit countless times, and when, if I run out of money, I won't even be able to buy that, so I'll be screwed. She doesn't make a budget for herself because she said she's broke so there's no point, but I feel like that's especially when you should make a budget so you won't run out of money. She quit her job to do some get-rich-quick scheme so I will have to work hard and save money when my job starts in case we get evicted. Just really idealistic and irresponsible.

It's not entirely her fault. The attacky daydreams also make me want to be selfish to feel better.

Meanwhile, right now I live with her, so I figure I might as well try to get close to her to make the situation better for both of us. We cuddled earlier and that was really comforting, to reflect on her many good qualities like her mostly calm demeanor and to not take her for granted.

Thoughts?

I don't really understand what your dilemma is. What are you trying to figure out?

Either way, I don't think that the decision to act selfish or not when you share a home with someone should be based on whether you love that person or not (by whatever definition of "love" you may use). It's about practical coexistence. Doing your part (but hopefully no more than your part) to minimize daily tension (which will inevitably exist, no matter how much you may or may not like the person).

Taking another step back at that, it also sounds unhealthy to judge whether you "love" someone or not based on their having flaws or not, especially family. Everybody has flaws, yourself included. You could never love yourself by those criteria. If I were you I'd quit trying to shoehorn your feelings, and just let them be. They'll guide your subconscious choices/behavior either way. Look to reason for the conscious ones.

CityMouse wrote:So I recently broke up with my bf. So now the only person left to love is my mom. She has done a lot for me in life. She has really gone the extra mile compared to some parents. I'm grateful.

You're very lucky for this, do you realize that? I'd be willing to bet that about half of the people who post on these forums don't have that resource. And that's what it is: a resource.

My mother was a selfish, vindictive monster and my father was largely absent from my life. So I went out and sought a father figure. The problem was, he was unaware I had assigned him to this role, and so was I, so it all went wrong. As a result I'm unable to trust anyone, but at the same time I have a deep-seated need to try and find someone to trust, even though I know I'm unlikely to find such a person, and if I did, I'd expect them to let me down, so whether or not they did, I'd feel that they did. It's a frustrating way to live. Don't be like naps.

But some things about her annoy me

This is perfectly normal. Whether it's a parent, a child or a partner, there will always be something that annoys you about the people you love. I see this again and again. It's part of what makes the "love" part so special.

she doesn't get that I don't have much money until my job starts but says, "if you can buy cigarettes, you can by X" when I buy cigarettes because I'm addicted to them and have tried to quit countless times, and when, if I run out of money, I won't even be able to buy that, so I'll be screwed.

I get that all the time. Some people don't understand addiction. Right now my biggest problem is finances, and the solution is right there in front of me: Quit Smoking. Cigarettes are $13 a pack in the shlthole city I live in. So I'm with you on that one. Since you're living with your mom, and you're close to her, why not ask her to help you quit? It may make you more aggravated with her, but that aggravation would be just part of the addiction and you would both need to understand that. If I had someone constantly around to police my smoking habits, I'd probably make some progress.

Meanwhile, right now I live with her, so I figure I might as well try to get close to her to make the situation better for both of us. We cuddled earlier and that was really comforting, to reflect on her many good qualities like her mostly calm demeanor and to not take her for granted.

That's a really good way to look at it. Glad to hear you say that. You're on the right track.

naps wrote:It's part of what makes the "love" part so special.

*Makes popcorn and waits for schizoids to jump in (with what seems to be the SPD version of Godwin's law) to argue whether love exists*


Same with naps about moms. If I was stupid enough to have kids, I'd say she's dead and anyone claiming to be her is really crazy aunt Dorothy who escaped prison.

Good parents seem to be hard to find. You should definitely cherish a good relationship if you have one.

Holodeck wrote:

naps wrote:It's part of what makes the "love" part so special.

*Makes popcorn and waits for schizoids to jump in (with what seems to be the SPD version of Godwin's law) to argue whether love exists*

I learned everything I know about love from love songs.

Holodeck wrote:Same with naps about moms. If I was stupid enough to have kids, I'd say she's dead and anyone claiming to be her is really crazy aunt Dorothy who escaped prison.

I get that.
I didn't say she was dead, but I did tell my kids that she was not good for us. I kept my kids away from her. Very good decision. My kids' lives have not been affected by her whatsoever, nor has mine for many years now. Though many people would say that you should never cut a parent out of your life, they would be wrong. There are rare, quite rare, but definite circumstances where it is the only sane thing to do.

Good parents seem to be hard to find. You should definitely cherish a good relationship if you have one.

Good parents are harder to find these days it seems, yes.
'Good enough' parents are fine too. If there is any 'good enough' parental stuff to work with, I'd advise doing the best a person can to keep some connection.
And then there are just bad parents...

Bad parents are the bread and butter of the mental health industry.

naps wrote:Bad parents are the bread and butter of the mental health industry.

And genetics, which, you can't exactly blame on the parents. I mean, the technology is getting better and it would have been nice for the wife and I to get checked prior to having kids. I could have made a more informed decision on whether it was a good idea. However, I am sure bad parents wouldn't consider that. Not sure how many pregnancies are actually planned. My kids seem OK so far.

True, but you can't wave your arms and scream "YOU RUINED MY LIFE! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!!!" to genetics. Well, you can, but you'd look like you're...I don't know...mentally ill?

Holodeck wrote:*Makes popcorn and waits for schizoids to jump in (with what seems to be the SPD version of Godwin's law) to argue whether love exists*

still way less annoying than when so-called normal people imply love is an exclusively human phenomenon