Silence?

The thing I dread most from talking to others is being unclear. I think it's because my mental life is so ambiguous. Most of my time is spent in a headspace that's blurry, bland, and yet (somehow) a bit surreal. I try not to speak from that place.

I wouldn't call myself a poor communicator otherwise. I can keep a conversation going out of politeness. I just seem to throw my hands up when I can't articulate the thing I want to.

I don't think I would want to live in a world of total (or mostly) silence though. More like... I wish we would hurry up and evolve telepathy as a species so I could send concepts into another person's head and achieve a kind of super-coherence. And do it from long, long distances.

Of course... then other people would be sending me their ideas too. Mm.

@poshlost

I love how you wrote this. I've felt the same way most all the time. My brain can get very abstract about thoughts. I have an idea but can't word it. There's, after all, no point in talking if you can't get your point across.

I also have thought how telepathy would help but, of course, I wouldn't want anyone to get in my head all the time...or vice versa.

Holodeck wrote:I love how you wrote this. I've felt the same way most all the time. My brain can get very abstract about thoughts. I have an idea but can't word it. There's, after all, no point in talking if you can't get your point across.

You know my biggest peeve? Breaking down one of my five-dollar words into smaller, more accessible language. Can't be done. Take my handle for instance.

"What's poshlost?", my mother asks.

I know what it means. I can identify the aesthetic. It's easy for me because it isn't a thing, it's an idea. A sensibility. I could easily point to her toilet-paper holder of the old man pinching his nose with his drawers around his ankles and say, "That is."

But it wouldn't help, would it?

I don't know if this is a schizoid "thing" or not but—by the way, I'm always charmed that so many posts in forums/blogs like this are some variation of Am I Doing This Personality Disorder Thing Right. Is it schizoid to pour milk before the cereal? Is it schizoid to think Bohemian Rhapsody is overrated? (I don't know, that first one sounds more Avoidant to me.) I digress.—I think the reaction from most people would be to feel angry/uncomfortable with the asker for not passing their semantic sniff test. They'd feel put-upon, like they're being made to edit themselves for someone not as smart as them.

I get frustrated with myself because it means I've failed at communicating, a thing I'm supposedly good at. What's the point of knowing big words if you fumble the small ones? Worse, now I'm starting to doubt I know what I'm talking about. (I do, I swear!)

poshlost wrote:I don't think I would want to live in a world of total (or mostly) silence though. More like... I wish we would hurry up and evolve telepathy as a species so I could send concepts into another person's head and achieve a kind of super-coherence.

After about thirty minutes, the world would plunge into unimaginable chaos. Aluminum foil may offer some initial protection, but assuming that imagery would be transferable as well, the sight of Donald Trump in a white bathrobe chasing after a horrified Melania while crooning "Melllaaaaaniaaaa...the viagra has kicked in!" would surely be the first signpost of civilization's end, only to be capped by Netflix's re-boot of Friends featuring an all-feline cast.

Is it schizoid to think Bohemian Rhapsody is overrated?

No!

poshlost wrote:You know my biggest peeve? Breaking down one of my five-dollar words into smaller, more accessible language. Can't be done. Take my handle for instance.

What do you mean you don't like saying "It's like a fork but it's not. You eat soup with it." When you mean spoon...but you likely add a few less words than the ones I typed due to not remembering them all so you skip 'em.

poshlost wrote:I don't know if this is a schizoid "thing" or not but—by the way, I'm always charmed that so many posts in forums/blogs like this are some variation of Am I Doing This Personality Disorder Thing Right. Is it schizoid to pour milk before the cereal?

This reminds me more of my bipolar. I have read that schizoids sometimes are articulate and sometimes have ...oh I love the fact that I can't remember the word right now. I actually know where to find it in a wiki but meh it's basically the opposite of articulate. Also do you pour milk before cereal? My boyfriend calls my a synth.

Either way I don't know if this is how it works for schizoids in general but I notice I get this way if I'm very on my game, then I get a bit full-on energy like I had espresso then I sleep randomly. Sometimes I wake up this way but this is what happened today. It's like a caffeine crash but minus the stimulant. I woke up at 4am (I normally wake up then but I woke up before the alarm and AWAKE), didn't drink caffeine or take my adhd meds, buzzed around hyperly until 9am then thought "Eh, boyfriend's asleep. He's about up anyway. I'll lay for a bit by him." That's when I essentially went into a coma. Woke up and I'm still super not unzombielike <- ok, I admit I intentionally did that horrible wording.

poshlost wrote:Is it schizoid to think Bohemian Rhapsody is overrated?

Huh, so that's what extreme anger feels like.

Serious question. Do you seem to know less lyrics than most and/or have much less appreciation in most if not all music?

poshlost wrote:I get frustrated with myself because it means I've failed at communicating, a thing I'm supposedly good at. What's the point of knowing big words if you fumble the small ones? Worse, now I'm starting to doubt I know what I'm talking about. (I do, I swear!)

I hate when people fill in the blanks for me when I can't come up with whatever word it is I'm trying for. The one saving grace is I've learned to more easily summarize things than most.

When someone asked why I was making fun of my boyfriend for playing League of Legends, I told them it was glorified capture the flag.

Someone tried explaining to me how he'd love to live in Alaska because everyone hates being social there but it's harder to live there. I said Idaho was it's cheaper little brother.

When a store owner was asked about how some game worked he tried to explain how a wizard could control these robot gollum things but he couldn't do it from far off. I never played the game but after hearing him stumble for a bit I interrupted by saying the wizard had magic bluetooth.

Holodeck wrote:What do you mean you don't like saying "It's like a fork but it's not. You eat soup with it."

You should hear me ask for chopsticks.

Holodeck wrote: This reminds me more of my bipolar. I have read that schizoids sometimes are articulate and sometimes have ...oh I love the fact that I can't remember the word right now. I actually know where to find it in a wiki but meh it's basically the opposite of articulate.

There's a cute little phrase that keeps cropping up in the literature about SPD. "Swinging between eloquence and incoherence." Or some variation of that. I think it's pretty darn accurate.

Holodeck wrote:Serious question. Do you seem to know less lyrics than most and/or have much less appreciation in most if not all music?

That's an interesting one. I listen to a lot of music, and I have my pet genres and artists. But whether I appreciate them or not is questionable. I guess that depends on what you mean.

I do know that I'm infinitely bored with music snobs and people that push recommendations and playlists onto you. The sort of people you could describe as appreciating music, if you overlooked the more narcissistic maneuvers they're pulling. Send them to the cornfield. They can rot with the people who talk during movies.

I can learn the lyrics to a song if I listen to it enough, and some I know just from cultural osmosis, but it's not something that's critical for me to enjoy listening. There are a lot of songs I like that I don't know the words to. I'm miserable with the names of band-members also.

This is more of a tangent, but another big peeve I have is with people that like a song and pretend they know the words when they obviously don't. (Not in the music-snobbish way I described earlier. Like, "Oh my God! How could they not know! Sheesh, what a poser.") I mean the people who performatively sing along just under the music thinking you won't notice. Usually with more indie, underground stuff so they get cool points. I'm embarrassed for them more than anything... What is it like to be that obvious. If I don't know the words, I just don't sing. It's okay, dude. Nobody cares.

Holodeck wrote:I hate when people fill in the blanks for me when I can't come up with whatever word it is I'm trying for. The one saving grace is I've learned to more easily summarize things than most.

I've noticed this in other schizoids. Some just seem to have a knack for colloquial shorthand that shows up in their writing. It reminds me of people for whom English isn't their first language, so they make up their own names for things that usually turn out to be better than what the thing is actually called.

poshlost wrote:

Holodeck wrote:Serious question. Do you seem to know less lyrics than most and/or have much less appreciation in most if not all music?

That's an interesting one. I listen to a lot of music, and I have my pet genres and artists. But whether I appreciate them or not is questionable. I guess that depends on what you mean.

I do know that I'm infinitely bored with music snobs and people that push recommendations and playlists onto you. The sort of people you could describe as appreciating music, if you overlooked the more narcissistic maneuvers they're pulling. Send them to the cornfield. They can rot with the people who talk during movies.

I can learn the lyrics to a song if I listen to it enough, and some I know just from cultural osmosis, but it's not something that's critical for me to enjoy listening. There are a lot of songs I like that I don't know the words to. I'm miserable with the names of band-members also.

That used to be me before I increased my serotonin levels. It also helps with my eloquence level. You can naturally get it through various foods. Google serotonin rich foods and you'll likely be amazed how in time you start to appreciate music. I never got why people made such a big deal out of it until then.

I too could learn lyrics after a point but little did I know I wasn't hearing notes the same as folks around me. It's weird because though I wasn't tone deaf I couldn't hear it like them. You know how a colorblind person will see color but not the same colors as everyone else? I was like that. I would be able to pick out the color (and they'd agree it was the color they said) but my brain didn't interpret it the same as how they experienced. Everyone would keep raving about really meh "colors" and push art on me like I'm supposed to convert to their musical religion. Telling them I wasn't into it was blasphemy.

Holodeck wrote:That used to be me before I increased my serotonin levels. It also helps with my eloquence level. You can naturally get it through various foods. Google serotonin rich foods and you'll likely be amazed how in time you start to appreciate music. I never got why people made such a big deal out of it until then.

I'm pretty content with my current medications, but I'm always looking for supplements and changes to my diet to boost energy and attentiveness. At the moment, both are just awful.

I know from repeated blood-testing that I'm not anemic, and a GeneSight test told me I have trouble absorbing folic acid. I take Deplin for the latter but it's not quite cutting it. Serotonin is an easy culprit. I'll definitely have to do some research and report back. Any recommendations, stuff to snack on?

poshlost wrote:Any recommendations, stuff to snack on?

After I found out that was what the problem was (long story) I experimented with dark chocolate, turkey, eggs, and cheese. I saw a difference within a week.

Holodeck wrote:

poshlost wrote:Any recommendations, stuff to snack on?

After I found out that was what the problem was (long story) I experimented with dark chocolate, turkey, eggs, and cheese. I saw a difference within a week.

Does dark chocolate increase your serotonin levels? I eat quite a bit because I seem to have more energy when I consume it.