Zero Incentive To Socialize

I don't know if it's that my only passion is myself or something or because I think most externals are crap. But I just don't see the "point" of social interaction with the people around me. I feel obligated to do it because I have the impression that there are people who care about me and I don't like to hurt those close to me by writing them off. I'm also very disappointed in them due to their incessant criticism and rudeness. I have come to expect it every single time we talk, and sure enough, they fire away. I don't want to take their caring for granted and I do appreciate what they have done, like the good times when they were so kind. And there are things about them I find endearing. But I feel like I just don't feel moved to talk to them anymore.

What are your thoughts? And is there any point to socializing?

The same reason you socialize here, to learn something. The difference here is that we are past the pleasantries and most other social rituals. So, it would seem that your externals no longer have anything to offer. I guess it's time to move on?

Anytime I get the incentive to socialize, it's for a practical purpose. Those times are not that many. It seems that most others have much more incentive to socialize. I can only assume they have more practical purposes to socialize than I. Considering my lack of passion, this does make sense.

I mean, there are other benefits. Maintaining relationships can be advantageous when things go wrong. Really, that's at the heart of why humans are a social species. It's advantageous to have help surviving.

It's just that socializing can be taxing when it doesn't come with that big neurotransmitter release, that oxytocin-dopamine-serotonin cocktail to reinforce that you're doing something positive for yourself. I think that helps people overcome those parts of relating to people in which you see the uglier parts of their nature.

I could relate to everything you wrote and have asked the same question many times throughout my life. I have never actually initiated social interactions, but they are inevitable in life unless you are lucky and have no family, work from home and live in the boonies.

What I've realized from these forced interactions is that sometimes it feels good to say and do kind things to other people, and to get out of my self-involvement for a few hours. I also realized that people can be entertaining to listen to and observe.

What I learned as someone with SPD is to never make any plans or promises involving other people because I won't follow through. Even if it sounds good at the time, when the day/time comes to meet up with them, I never feel like going. I wish I learned this when I was a teenager, it would have saved me so much drama and guilt.

I also learned that it's best to never spend more than a few hours socializing. Any extended social interaction is out of the question (i.e., family vacations, etc.)

I also recently discovered that it's best to tell people you don't have a phone or computer. That way they won't even expect you to contact them, and you won't have to feel guilty for not keeping in touch.

When I lived in the small town I grew up in everyone came off as trying to "mean well"

I wasn't able to get across to them how bad they were for me. They would be hurt and not understand why I was reacting so cruelly to them caring about me or whatever. Many of them had as you say "endearing qualities" about them.

It was like being around children who grew up in a cult. They had their minds so set on how things should be without experience outside of their ideas. Like children, they'd be open and honest about what they felt should be even if it was rude. Most seemed to be attempting to do the right thing.

I moved out and it got better but the people I lived with were their own version of crap and they would on occasion invite their pseudo-crap friends.

After moving again and being with a boyfriend who doesn't drive me nuts in that respect it's gotten way better. He too doesn't require people around at all times and gets the need for breaks from socializing.

When you're constantly suffocated for years by people who are crap it's hard to see that you might like people if you can catch a break and if you're lucky find some who "get it"

In those situations where you can't get away, it's very reasonable for anyone to want some extended alone time away from that.

Wow you guys really understand me and I understand you too.

I think it's hard to never get angry about how people treat me. But I think, with my low serotonin and practical pessimism, I see expressing anger by being vocal as impossible and a lost cause. Like Schopenhauer says, you should *show* the person you're angry. Cold animals have the most venom. Or like Iyanla Vanzant said, sometimes using your voice is by being silent or through your actions. Actions speak louder than words. The human tongue is a beast that many find hard to tame. But saying the wrong thing has historically cost some people their lives.

With that said, I don't think there's much out there worth getting upset about. Nature expects all this mayhem (genocide, rape, racism/sexism/homophobia, bullying, domestic violence) and then on top of that we're supposed to eat our hearts out over it. Well that's emotional rape. So screw that and screw people.

I Dream 5 wrote:Anytime I get the incentive to socialize, it's for a practical purpose. Those times are not that many. It seems that most others have much more incentive to socialize. I can only assume they have more practical purposes to socialize than I. Considering my lack of passion, this does make sense.

I doubt that most others have "more practical purposes to socialize" than you.

I think people socialize for a whole host of reasons. I said to my sister, "I don't see the 'point' of just 'hanging out' with people," to which she said, "to laugh! talk! have fun!" That doesn't sound remotely practical. So some people just use each other for the dopamine kick.

There are even some people who are afraid to be alone. One in three Americans reports being "desperately lonely," (according to a School of Life video called First World Problems). So some people socialize or hook up or whatever to "fill the void."

Strangely enough, some people socialize just to have an excuse to drink, probably because with there's a societal notion that drinking alone is a sign that you're an alcoholic (I believe AA convinces many "normal" people that they're alcoholics, and then that brainwashing may turn them into alcoholics over time). I know at least one person (an AvPD sufferer) who socializes just because he likes drinking. When asked if he needs people to validate his existence that much, he said, "yeah I do."