SPD problem of Love made hungry

Hello,

Is there anyone who has experienced the loss of rationality and self restraint in love? If yes, then how do you deal with it? Please read the following excerpt by psychoanalysts to understand what I am saying

"Fairbairn arrived at the view (1941) that love made hungry is the schizoid problem and it rouses the terrible fear that one's love has become so devouring and incorporative that love itself has become destructive. Depression is the fear of loving lest one's hate should destroy. Schizoid aloofness is the fear of loving lest one's love or need of love should destroy, which is far worse."

Guntrip-- "The schizoid person is caught in object-relationships. Owing to his intensely hungry and unsatisfied need for love, and his consequent incorporating and monopolizing attitude towards those he needs, he cannot help seeing his objects in the light of his own desires towards them. The result is that any relationship into which some genuine feeling goes, immediately comes to be felt deep down, and unconsciously experienced, as a mutual devouring... Relationships are felt to be too dangerous to enter into. Thus, the worst object-relations problem arises when the ego is driven to seek security by doing without objects altogether, only to run into the most alarming and ultimate fears of disappearing in a vacuum."

It have also read somewhere that when a schizoid get his/her "idealized love object", it may trigger is most dormant hunger and sweeps his rationality.

Actually I am a BPD woman. My ex husband was a schizoid. I posted my story but then moderators decided to relocate it in some other forum asking me to be specific. here is my story family-support/topic208744.html

It is my personal experience, now, that intense connections can trigger that devouring aspect of a person with SPD which can be destructive to them as well as their partners.

That sounds more AvPD than schizoid.

I'm married with four kids but I can't say I was ever devoured by love. It's more of a detached love meaning it's a comfortable relationship. I suspect other issues not directly pertaining to Schizoid. At least that is my opinion based on myself and having never heard of this Schizoid love thing until now.

i really love the comment that @WichitaLineman made in the other topic you linked (i will quote above)

Because schizoid individuals tend to feel safe with comparatively few others, any threat to or loss of their connection with the people with whom they do feel comfortable can be devastating. If there are only three individuals by whom one feels truly known, and one of these is lost, then one-third of one’s support system has vanishe

BUT i always thought that was avpd or borderline trait.because i certainly relate but i don't feel is schizoid for some reason but not sure. for example i only love so few things and exaclty because i am able to get interested only in so few i get very attached and afraid to lose them but only with those and i can seem i don't give a ###$ in general for most things.
i don't know if i can explain it well but if for example if you are unable to feel excitement,and there is only one thing that makes you feel it and is rare then you are more afraid to loose that like is something precious exactly because is rare.
but i really didn't think that was schizoid trait at all.but i can understand that all pds relate somehow deep donw in a problematic attachment ,this is why they can attract wach other

-- Fri Aug 17, 2018 5:15 pm --

i also thought that when you want to avoid what you want ,it is avoidant. but i think maybe the avoidant would be more conscious of his feelings? while the schizoid would go more blank if it makes sense. i don't know this is how i imagine in my mind from what i read at least.

UnfortunateEvents wrote:That sounds more AvPD than schizoid.

I read about Avpd but I think "love made hungry" is a phenomena relation to SPD. A person with Avpd suffers from "severe social anxiety, social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy and inferiority, extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation and rejection, and avoidance of social interaction despite a strong desire for intimacy" (wiki). Sensitivity to negative evaluation and rejection means somewhere he/she is looking for society approval. Schizoid, I think, is hardened Avpd. Unlike Avpd, SPDP simply don't give a damn about anyone's approval as long he can manage to survive, may be because he could see there is no point in trying to fit in, or he/she could see through people and their hypocrisy.

I guess every SPDP has to face the AvDP phase in late childhood or early adulthood. Only passing through this difficult phase, they gain extraordinary intelligence and become a schizoid. But intelligence and understanding of society also bring the painful awareness that there is no genuine love in the world but only roles to be played. My husband was clinically diagnosed as schizoid when he was 22. He has extraordinary insight into people's motivations. He had serious anxiety issues but he never cared about anyone's approval. Social gatherings bored him to death. My feeling is (and my psychoanalysts have observed it) that schizoid is capable of very intense passion that no neurotypical can have because when they get close to their "idealized love object", a primitive infantile need for mother's touch is triggered. They experience "emotions" they never thought they had. Even when engage in sexual activity, their only aim to fill in them gaps that weren't filled by mother's love. Sexual activity is just a medium, the real intention is to be close to the body that is overflowing with love for them.

-- Fri Aug 17, 2018 10:35 pm --

iabsurdlyexist wrote:I'm married with four kids but I can't say I was ever devoured by love. It's more of a detached love meaning it's a comfortable relationship. I suspect other issues not directly pertaining to Schizoid. At least that is my opinion based on myself and having never heard of this Schizoid love thing until now.

Thanks for replying.
I think it must be something because many psychoanalysts have confirmed this. We never know what potentials do we have unless we are forced by life to face new situations.

sakura1 wrote: i only love so few things and exaclty because i am able to get interested only in so few i get very attached and afraid to lose them but only with those and i can seem i don't give a ###$ in general for most things. i don't know if i can explain it well but if for example if you are unable to feel excitement,and there is only one thing that makes you feel it and is rare then you are more afraid to loose that like is something precious exactly because is rare. but i really didn't think that was schizoid trait at all.but i can understand that all pds relate somehow deep donw in a problematic attachment ,this is why they can attract wach other

Yes, you are right. You know what you want unlike other people. This is what makes a schizoid person so special. Many people get so enmeshed in playing social roles that they forget their real self. SPDP has a very focused, unadulterated mind. They are more in tune with their unconscious. I, as a BPDP, feel so stable intuitively knowing the fact the love of a schizoid is true no matter how dangerous it can become.

-- Fri Aug 17, 2018 5:15 pm --

sakura1 wrote: i also thought that when you want to avoid what you want ,it is avoidant. but i think maybe the avoidant would be more conscious of his feelings? while the schizoid would go more blank if it makes sense. i don't know this is how i imagine in my mind from what i read at least.

No...I think an avoidant judgement is quiet blurry that's why he feels sensitive to criticism of others. He is not really conscious of his feelings that's why he wants to leave good impression on others. I think anyone is who interested in impressing the crowd is lost, he cannot figure out what he wants, he has become victim of society's game. Schizoid goes blank or behave indifferently to criticism because he knows people's good opinion is no zero value. In fact, the flattery makes them uncomfortable. Am I right?

BPD and SPD both are alienated from "normal society". I feel fake whenever I try to mix with people. I hate myself for that. I feel shame after gossiping about other people just because my friends want me to participate. Gossiping about others makes me feel like I am a bully or something. After socialization, I come back home exhausted and cry for hours because every attempt to fulfill myself through socializing and making friends only reinforce my belief that I am lonely. I don't feel at home. Schizoid, on the other hand, suffers from feelings on loneliness and doubts that may be he is missing something by being a loner. We both know the terror of the void and emptiness of our existence, and we are amused by our different ways to dealing with the emptiness. May be that's why we are attracted to each other?

Doesn't it bother you that schizoids are detached if you have bpd?doesn't it trigger you?
although i think you say the opposite here that he is "obsessed" /hungry.that sounds really weird for stereotypical descriptions of schizoids.generally i associaty obsession with bpd.
like theoretically i would prefer someone that was so intense as the one you describe than someone detached. but i would never expect that trait would be to a schizoid.
i would more expect a relationships like @iabsurdlyexist described.

-- Fri Aug 17, 2018 8:02 pm --

i also agree with the last paragraph you wrote

I have seen people diagnosed Schizoid and Borderline so there may be some interplay between aloofness and heightened emotionality at times. I have also been diagnosed borderline or with borderline traits but I disagree with it in the sense that I'd be a quiet Borderline, if anything. Considering I am diagnosed Schizoid and Avoidant, there may be a slight difference with how I deal with outbursts (being internalized) as opposed to a strict Schizoid.

I don't suffer from feelings of loneliness, and I don't ever think about missing something because I'm not with other people. It just doesn't cross my mind. I merely have a chronic sense of boredom due to anhedonia that it feels like nothing will fill and a lack of life goals. But I do function quite well.

sakura1 wrote:Doesn't it bother you that schizoids are detached if you have bpd?doesn't it trigger you?
although i think you say the opposite here that he is "obsessed" /hungry.that sounds really weird for stereotypical descriptions of schizoids.generally i associaty obsession with bpd.
like theoretically i would prefer someone that was so intense as the one you describe than someone detached. but i would never expect that trait would be to a schizoid.
i would more expect a relationships like @iabsurdlyexist described.

Oh no! Not at all. It doesn't bother me that schizoid are detached. I wish my husband could sustain his detached way of living. I remember, in early days of our marriage, he was quiet detached. I used to make sure that I remained a silent character in his life. I intuitively knew how much he values his privacy. I cooked and clean up for him, and took care of him but we never communicated very much. There was mostly silence. I use to see him sleeping for hours because that's the only time when I could be near him without being an intruder. And he looked so handsome. I really loved his being, his presence. I used to feel as if entire room has been filled with beauty just by his soul. But things become difficult when we both triggered each other dormant issues.

I will try my best to explain. I think I know why BPD-SPD are attracted to each other.

BDP, especially high functioning introverted BPD, are not obsessive type. When I was 5 month old, my mother stopped breast feeding me. My parents never valued my feelings, my father and mother hated me for being natural and abused me by not accepting me, my basic hunger of love. I feel a giant hole in my soul like I have been deprived of something, like I am incomplete. When my husband's "love hunger" was triggered, I literally became his slave. Why? Because he was merciless. He didn't care if my body is in pain due to repeated sexual intercourse, he was behaving like a infant who bites his mother when the breast is withdrawn. I saw myself in him, my infantile self that was abused and experienced deep trauma, that is forgotten by the conscious mind but still controls my life. I loved it that he drinks me as though as assuage his thirst. I felt as if the love that has been denied to me, I am source of it. I am not slave to external-material world for sustaining myself. Without my husband I am just flesh and blood. It is him who has made me realize that love runs in my blood. So, he basically mirrored me. An that's why I never complained about his sexual demands because since he is me now, I do not want to cause "myself" the trauma to depriving 'him' of love. I feed myself through him.

And why he was attracted to me? I think I have a clue. One day I jokingly texted him asking why he cannot control himself and behave soberly. He said I am the one that "seduces" him, and that it can sense that I want to be near him by my nervous and tensed body language. He was right I am not a very assertive person, and he used look so detached and cold to me that I never even dared to touch him or look directly into his eyes no matter how intimate we have been. I used to get paranoid and helpless knowing the fact that I love him to death and I don't know when he will abandon me saying, "I have got weary of you", like my parents and everyone did. I wanted him to remain at distance so that he doesn't grow tired of me. I was more than happy in just sharing a home with him (this reflects my hunger issues of not being demanding, sustaining myself on very little). So, he could figure that out that I want to be near him but I am afraid. What he replied was astonishing, he said that he makes love to me just to tell me that I am welcomed, that my mistrust and inhibition turns him on. He wants to untie that knot of fear so that I can love more freely. This is something that is a schizoid's primal issue. They experience the feelings of being a intruder since from the birth. He sees himself in me, and by helping me he is helping himself.

One night I dressed specially for him, and when he came home he looked at me like he is offended. I felt he could see through me that I am being assertive for love and he did not like it(he will punish me like my parents did). I was filled with shame. I became so nervous, and tried to divert that tension, smiling awkwardly and saying, "I get you a glass of water". In the nerve wrecking-vulnerable condition, I dropped the glass. The sound of the glass felt like sound of the death. My knees got buckled up. It was painful, I was trembling...wanted to run away, cry and never face him again. And I wanted to die than to bear this overwhelming emotion of paralyzing shame. But then he hugged me from the behind saying you are looking gorgeous. That night he made such a passionate love. He saw himself in me, and by loving me or accepting me by hugging me he was simply saying to himself that he is not an intruder or unwanted guest in the world. Many psychologists have even started calling schizoid a unwanted child. So basically, we mirror each other.
So, we try heal our wound through the other. Out of our broken parts, we create magic world by accepting ourselves, our weakness through the other.

When I see myself in him, I am no longer ashamed of my own hunger for love. When he see himself in me, he is no longer feel he is unwanted or unlovable, he is no longer sad for being born and "asserting" himself in the world.

I have been in other relationship as well but I felt nothing for them. I think only when our primal issues are triggered we become addicted, and the passion runs really high

-- Sat Aug 18, 2018 2:40 am --

UnfortunateEvents wrote:I don't suffer from feelings of loneliness, and I don't ever think about missing something because I'm not with other people. It just doesn't cross my mind. I merely have a chronic sense of boredom due to anhedonia that it feels like nothing will fill and a lack of life goals. But I do function quite well.

You are saying "missing something" in the context of love hunger? If yes, then I think it is triggered by somebody's presence. One will not experience it without healthy mirroring. Like in my case too, I was stable person before meeting my husband, and in other relationships I felt like everything was under control.