SPD problem of Love made hungry

emillionth wrote:How come you still try to understand his point of view and still think of him so highly?

I don't know. May be because I feel too much. I cannot judge anyone nor I am interested in. If intellect helps me to think in favor of my heart, my feelings, I listen to it. Otherwise I shut it down. I did not post here to understand why he tried to kill me but my only intention was to know did he feel anything for me. Did he loved me even for few moments? I am not interested in playing safe. For me love is being vulnerable. I cannot control what I feel for him. I did not decide to love in fall, I cannot repress that emotion or go beyond it.

Should I say what I really think like? I do not know if I am doing right by revealing it. But I sometimes feel it would have been great if he would have killed me (without facing any legal problems) because I cannot imagine living without him. If I cannot have him as lover, I am happy to have him as my murderer.

emptylife90 wrote:If I cannot have him as lover, I am happy to have him as my murderer.

Well that's pretty much quintessential romanticism (in the 19th-century artistic-movement sense of it). Love and death as one.

I think if you want to approach life that way, then you need to accept from the start that it's doomed to fail. Not just likely to fail, but doomed by definition. If you're okay with that and all you care about is the ride on your way to the precipice, then I guess that's your choice. But if you're not, then you could probably benefit from rethinking your ideals to find better consistency. These themes are explored a lot in all types of art from all ages in history, so there's no shortage of food for thought and inspiration and cautionary tales and things to relate to there.

I don't think any psychiatric or psychoanalytic or pyschoanything theory can really answer the question "did he ever love you?", because every person has a different perception of what "real love" is or should be, and no one knows how anyone else really feels. You just go by outward signs, patterns and analogies.

Did he have strong positive feelings for you (regardless of any strong negative feelings that he also did have) and did he care strongly about you (regardless if it was constructive/benign or destructive/possessive in practice)? It sounds like a given to me that he did. If that's the picture of "love" that makes you feel better, then there you go. If not, then I don't think you can get any satisfying answer from us here, because anything more specific than that depends more on understanding yourself than on understanding him. And he sounds like a pretty extreme character anyway, very much atypical for a schizoid. Schizoids are typically boring people. I know I am, and I even seem to be on the more emotionally unstable side of it, given my ADHD.

WichitaLineman wrote:Well, I guess the good news is that there’s a lot of people here on this site who can relate to what you’re going through, who have been in (broadly) similar situations and could understand your feelings. I know there are a lot of great people on the BPD forum who would be able to relate.

I second this advice. Talk to other people who speak your personal language. Making yourself feel better and live better isn't about him, it's about you. You matter by definition, he doesn't.

to be honest the relationship you were in sounds like it was incredibly abusive and I think the idea you have it's ok what he did to you because his love for you was true is a dangerous (and very bpd-ish) fiction you have constructed

intensity of feeling is not synonymous with violence; you don't have to give up on love and passion to find a relationship that is not self-destructive

but I think first you will have to work on healing yourself

are you seeing any kind of therapist or counsellor at the moment?

emptylife90 wrote:Harlequin Romance, Romanticizing, idealizing...kinky fan fiction

meant to respond to this

I'm not sure I agree with any of those regarding your relationship with your ex, but I will say I think you're over-romanticizing schizoid PD

anathegram wrote:to be honest the relationship you were in sounds like it was incredibly abusive and I think the idea you have it's ok what he did to you because his love for you was true is a dangerous (and very bpd-ish) fiction you have constructed


but I think first you will have to work on healing yourself

are you seeing any kind of therapist or counsellor at the moment?

Yes, my therapist told me to starting dating, to find a lover so that I can see a different side of life. I dated guys but the attempt back fired. The first guy put on pedestal, he was more interested in proving himself an extraordinary lover rather than in me. The thought of having sex with him made me nauseous. I realized sex is not something you can have with anyone. Other was very sentimental and a family guy, All day he would tell me how much he loves him. Hugging him felt like two skeletons are touching each other, I left him. He called me manipulative bitch, abused me for wasting his time. All his fake love an respect vanished overnight after break up. The more I socialized, the more depressed I became. The workplace, clubs, friend circle left me exhausted. I had cut all over my body. I has difficult for me to bear the pain of the isolation. I fail to connect with anyone. I am so cold and suicidal now.

anathegram wrote:intensity of feeling is not synonymous with violence; you don't have to give up on love and passion to find a relationship that is not self-destructive

I know what you mean. But I know that I am not attracted to violence mistaking it as passion. I am not a masochist. My mental state is such that I want to give up on life, I don't see any point. It is easy for me to end my life than to move in the world where I feel as if I am not wanted, where I am mocked for being weak, for being anxious and not aggressive, for being myself. From my childhood to now, I felt alive only with my husband (like really wanted to live). I don't know why! May because it had calming effect on me knowing that he too is going through same feeling of isolation and yet he is indifferent and does not allow emotions to create turbulence in his life. He bears it with quiet a dignity.

To you guys it may seem like a romance, a fantasy or my self-construed crazy ideas to fill my life with drama. But for me it is a need, a desperate attempt save myself from death. Letting go his hopes and memories will push me into the darkness forever. For I have nobody, nowhere to go. My therapist told me that I am incurable and prescribed me anti-depressants.

I wasn't suggesting you were attracted to violence, but instead that you might perceive 'true love' as necessarily uncontrollable (possibly violently so) or else illegitimate (like the more recent relationships you describe)

emptylife90 wrote:He bears it with quiet a dignity.

he demonstrably did not

emptylife90 wrote:Yes, my therapist told me to starting dating, to find a lover so that I can see a different side of life.

My therapist told me that I am incurable and prescribed me anti-depressants

would you consider looking for a new one? the one you've got sounds extremely dubious to me

emptylife90 wrote:To you guys it may seem like a romance, a fantasy or my self-construed crazy ideas to fill my life with drama. But for me it is a need, a desperate attempt save myself from death. Letting go his hopes and memories will push me into the darkness forever. For I have nobody, nowhere to go.

honestly, I sympathize. I've felt similarly in a… different way

you can't just strive for annihilation though, whether literally through death or figuratively by sublimating yourself in a relationship - the goal is a self that's your own

that's my spd answer

anathegram wrote:

emptylife90 wrote:Harlequin Romance, Romanticizing, idealizing...kinky fan fiction

meant to respond to this

I'm not sure I agree with any of those regarding your relationship with your ex, but I will say I think you're over-romanticizing schizoid PD

Putting someone pedestal, idealizing them is a ugliest thing one can do a person. I usually used to do this when I was in shallow superficial relationship, or to someone whom I do not really like. But I can never do this to person I love. By putting someone on pedestal, you become master of that person. It is a way of controlling him. He will at your mercy because ego cannot afford to lose its worshiper. You only end up oppressing the others with your own standards....causing unnecessary anxiety to that person

I know my ex was nowhere perfect. When I met him I realized he was not in the harmony with his body, he used to get paranoid at the thought to doing physical task in front of people.I think he too is high functioning because even simple walking among crowd in a social gathering made him feel terribly embarrassed and nervous. Failing in an interview used to trigger his paranoia and gave him sleepless nights. Initially, he could not speak to me a single sentence without stuttering. But when you love someone, you fall in love with their imperfections as well. You let your love grow dark as night (unable to judge) so that it can hide all the flaws of your beloved. This is not romanticizing. Is it? You accept someone totally...as he is. You are not projecting on him.

Romanticizing involves using the other as a screen and project what you want and then getting disillusioned with his real self.

i can relate somewhat to what @emptylife90 said and with romantizing.It's just that i always at the same time had too much pride to want anyone who doesn't want me.and i can easily believe that the other doesn't care about me to "devalue" him.
i think the descripition about having a person as a coping mechanism that only him can make you feel like this so if you loose him becomes more devastating relates more to you than him.and i know this feeling.
although i almost never want to chase others.
this is what happens when you have people as coping mechanisms emotionaly,you want to die without them.
i usually realize that is a false hope or a delsuion ,an idealization and i never really had anything to beggin with.
i don't assume it is your case,i just tell you how i get over it.false hope is a cruel thing. i remember that quote and get upset xD
i also know how it feels wanting to leave but having nowhere you want to go.
(i have a problem that i usually want to tell people things that they don't want to hear if they have some pd because they are painful to them and they try to avoid them and get upset when i tell them.so i hope i didn't upset you.nons usually don't give a ###$ if i do.)

emptylife90 wrote:When I met him I realized he was not in the harmony with his body, he used to get paranoid at the thought to doing physical task in front of people.I think he too is high functioning because even simple walking among crowd in a social gathering made him feel terribly embarrassed and nervous. Failing in an interview used to trigger his paranoia and gave him sleepless nights. Initially, he could not speak to me a single sentence without stuttering.

this sounds like social anxiety

Romanticizing involves using the other as a screen and project what you want and then getting disillusioned with his real self.

yes, I think you are doing that with the concept of SPD itself in this thread, but don't worry about it

I am not convinced your ex merits that diagnosis but I suppose it's not really my place to comment on that

anathegram wrote:
you can't just strive for annihilation though, whether literally through death or figuratively by sublimating yourself in a relationship - the goal is a self that's your own

that's my spd answer

hahahaha
Very smart!! I think you have extraordinary IQ level.
That reminded me of Sartre.
My thought is me: that's why I can't stop. I exist because I think… and I can't stop myself from thinking. At this very moment - it's frightful - if I exist, it is because I am horrified at existing. I am the one who pulls myself from the nothingness to which I aspire.


And treating one's body as some kind of burden, feeling disconnected with it is SPD thing.

"The feelings of depersonalization and derealization that the schizoid neurotic feels at times have very much to do with the lack of rootedness of his body, which ceases to be the center of gravity of the subject. The schizoid does not really have a real feeling of his own body, and this is why he carries his body as a slave might carry a heavy burden. He actually becomes imprisoned within his body. It may make him feel awkward while undertaking physical task.

His body becomes part of his false system.The schizoid's detachment from his body, as Laing has
a defensive function. The embodied self is more vulnerable to the world, for he will feel more intensely threatened by external dangers, whereas the disembodied self will feel more secure and protected, since he does not have a real experience of his body. Being detached from his body precludes the schizoid from establishing a real intercourse with his world... Hence
the body becomes part of the external materiality of the world, sharing the inertness of its being at the same time that it shelters the subject against its threats" EDUARDO BOLIVAR


anathegram: How should I convince you that I am not romanticizing? I am not some silly romantic fool. I think you do not want to accept your potentials, your real natural urges that's why you think I am romanticizing. You want to believe that there is no such thing as love hunger because that means identifying with your body.

"The schizoid is unable to resolve dilemma of split self as a result of his being unable to deal with his powerful repressed drives. Both his aggressive and his sexual repressed urges make him feel perpetually guilty and ashamed under the scrutiny of the Other's gaze. The act of looking represents, ultimately, an act of self-assertion"

-- Sat Aug 18, 2018 3:50 pm --

sakura1 wrote:i think the descripition about having a person as a coping mechanism that only him can make you feel like this so if you loose him becomes more devastating relates more to you than him.and i know this feeling.

Yes this is it. You understood me so right! When a person becomes a coping mechanism, it can make you very unstable.

False hope is a cruel thing.
I know.