Apathy And Control

thanks for explaining more. i feel my avoidance is irrational and maladaptive to be honest.or it goes there often.
like there is rational defense and irrational defense.and i think the irrational is what they call pd
but often also having a pd means you can't understand it is irrational

iabsurdlyexist wrote:

CityMouse wrote:I agree that I have put in a lot of effort. I was very altruistic, social, and caring earlier in life to the point of sheer naivete. Nothing good came out of it. I learned that if to do what's right by other people's standards, not only will you suffer tremendously but, my favorite part, you'll still get condemned.

I was naive in thinking everybody was in it for the common good, which, has been good because it got me this far. Now the problem is maintaining this new mindset but remaining viable. I'm still a nice quiet guy so while cynical, I still want no part of it and still believe the common good is the right path. But yeah, in control of myself and not wanting anything to control.

Yeah, I start tons of leadership organizations in high school and college, specifically for the African American community. I went to dozens of IRL forums where some older black person would always say, "We have to foster dialogue. We have to keep the dialogue going." I was also looking for sisterhood and joined a black sorority message board. There, I shared my ideas about rational discrimination, and wouldn't you know it, I was vehemently attacked by the entire board. I became very jaded about the notion that everyone believes in working together towards the common good. I think for some people, especially many Americans, the discussion about racism has absolutely zero to do with redressing greivances and improving the situation, but is instead purely about venting frustrations with life, looking for a whipping boy (ideally the "arch-conservative"), and doing what people always do: abusing people as a means of coping with their deep seated issues. I have washed my hands of that.

rational discrimination? i can imagine how this went wrong.
you didn't really empathize with them and they didn't with you

-- Fri Aug 17, 2018 12:42 am --

but also you know politics and religion and some specific subjects are for those who like the tension and fight .you know if you are going to have this conversation what is going to happen.
i am ashamed to admit but i used to be more rebelious in mentality younger ,now i am so tired. i just want to be happy i don't want to rebel anymore but also i don't like not being able to be myself because others repress me.you can't be happy repressed

Well anhedonia is common with depression and is also at the core of SPD. I have not always been this way, I did used to feel deep emotion and was actually diagnosed AvPD. I just identify more with this now. Psychology has always interested me, especially abnormal psychology. It's interesting to know why people do what they do, especially when they do abnormal things. Abnormal psych is probably one of the few or maybe the only interest I have.

I wouldn't say I have always felt exactly like this but my traits have always been there. I'd say some of the negative symptoms have progressively worsened (mainly anhedonia and cognitive decline) so it's easier to identify SPD. However, my AvPD traits are there, just dulled in some regards. I've have always had emotional dysfunction but I am not sure what that is related to. The current theory is Alexithymia but it can also relate to my bipolar and I have been told I have borderline traits. Those with ASD also have the issue so there is that.

I guess what I am saying is the apathy towards others has always been there, the reasoning is different. Before, it was just that I was indifferent to others presence. Now, it's taking a more cynical tone. I think this is due to a mask I was wearing that has since diminished due to lack of energy to maintain it. This mask was always happy thoughts. It wasn't really corny like that, it was more dissociation than anything else.