What to do......

anathegram wrote:I notice you said you think she got bored. I can't speak for her, but personally, I don't get bored in social relationships so much as habituated. It seems a bit backwards, but the struggle to maintain an emotional connection increases as the novelty wears off. This makes the relationship seem more daunting and less worthwhile.

Again, not saying that's necessarily what happened, but it might've.

Holodeck wrote:

ENFPENTP wrote:she really didn't know what she wanted

I know where she's coming from. She probably would love to have a traditional relationship but she can merely handle non-serious relationships with less involvement due to lack of emotional intimacy. She's confused because of this and her not knowing how to connect the two. I'm still working on my own emotional intimacy so don't even ask me how to fix that one. Believe me when I make a connection on how to manage it, I will make a post!

ENFPENTP wrote:1) She's quite content being alone with her thoughts and I assume she prefers solitude.
2) that person needs to serve a practical purpose in the life of the schizoid or need to be in constant contact/association
3) she has very limited time in her schedule and sees me as impractical and a distraction?
4) Also I was having to put in 90% of the effort just to keep her interested at the end.
5) "it so funny, I was just thinking about texting you". So I asked her how she was doing.....radio silence for 2 hours before she responds....hot and cold.

So you're saying:
1) She prefers to ruminate on thoughts she prefers (her happy place). Yes.
2)That she has trauma and the way she might more easily focus on the relationship is through finding a way to appreciate their qualities through stimulating their brains to think in a "happy" way involving that person.I missed the connection on this one. I was merely pointing out that with her or perhaps any schizoid, people are just part of the scenery with the exception being people in the "inner circle". This woman had very few close relationships outside of her brother. I remember we were sitting at breakfast one time and she told me that I was her only friend in the city we live in.....no sadness or irony in her voice, just a simple observation.
3) She takes on a lot of stimulations tasks. (Schizoids aren't usually known to be motivated by the way) She is definitely an exception in this area, but only when it comes to her hobbies lol. She is truly a renaissance woman.
4) You have to put in the effort because she's constantly looking for stimuli on which to be focused. .....because I have become non-stimulating? I guess once the newness of the relationship wears off she starts looking for more/different sources? That makes sense. Sucks to be me in this case though.
5) You ground her reminding her to distance her emotion as much as possible while she wants to keep up the stimulation. At the same time she wants to be around you if even for a little bit...until she loses stimulating mental focus and craves a distraction.??? Please explain this. I "ground" her?Maybe a subjective example to help me understand?

I don't know her and can't diagnose but I'll be damned if that doesn't sound identical to my ADHD with it's hefty dose of depressive trauma on the side (both which crave "happy" brain chemicals being stimulated through the brain which is what ADHD meds do). I'm still working through trauma but the underlined parts have been fixed since my ADHD meds were prescribed to me.

ENFPENTP wrote:I don't feel comfortable talking to her about this.

Yep. I wasn't taking the therapy idea for many years. If it weren't for bipolar psychosis freaking me out I wouldn't have gone. My boyfriend was the one who respectfully confided of being worried about me. He said "I love you and you know I think of you as logical and smart but there are times when you do and say things that don't make sense." He explained how he felt the psychosis was mainly due to anxiety triggers (which it mostly was) and explained how my trauma needed to be discussed with someone.

If she doesn't have anything going on that she is willing to recognize then it's pointless. Seems she has some paranoia too which is often the case with trauma. I imagine it's best to leave it as it is for the moment.

I too hate sappy talk. My boyfriend loves it. He's the type who feels the need to tell me daily why he loves being with me. It's sweet considering this is how his people in their culture show affection but in mine it could be shorted to "Love ya" and "Uh huh, ditto" at most if we feel it's expected.

ENFPENTP wrote:lol I totally get this. I would tell her "I'm crazy about you" and she would give me this look like I was talking Martian. She has no idea what it's like to be totally infatuated with a lover.
It still stings a bit knowing that she probably feels none of the things I do

*Grooooannn* My boyfriend has used that to fish for emotion. If for any reason you do use the pointless verbal guilt trip of saying "You probably feel nothing for me" I give her points if she says "Yep, you got it."lol yes,it is pathetic, but true. Unrequited feelings. There's a million love songs fueled by them. I'm starting to lose interest in them as well.

Ok. I'm going to try to explain it from my side. Please note that I'm seriously taking insane pauses of time to force myself to type this because I hate this sort of thing so much. Imagine typing something that is mentally straining and somewhat painful then make it worse by instead of typing saying it to someone's face and not feeling like you can pause for breathes when needed. Even if they are patient it feels like you'll never know how to explain and that the conversation is pointless because you don't believe you'll be able to keep it up even if you might want to. *Cue spiraling anxiety mixed with depression*

Did you feel the walls closing in? I did. lol yes, I was getting pulled into the vortex for a second.

We first met online. I tend to be much more human in text. Did you see that message she sent you? It seems like she's more human when not in person too. It gives her pause. Every time we've had to discuss difficult things we've found typing it out was easier for me to do in a more human way.

ENFPENTP wrote:I feel great sympathy for her past and I have a need to help.

That's sweet of you but try not to touch on her being a rescue mission when hanging out. If she wants help, let her bring it up. She's come to you with trauma and that's a start. Be an ear but don't take her by the hand and lead or she'll likely dig her heels in and run away.Yes, she growled me a couple times about offering too much help with things. She would ask for advice at times since we are in the same industry, but I often though she would ask me questions about things because she knew I wanted to help her and it would make me feel good. I know it sounds odd, but she was just that kind of person. Just a small example, but she was very self-sacrificing at times, but just in a detached way.

ENFPENTP wrote:Even if she is aware of her condition, she may not appreciate that I have focused so much attention in understanding her. She would either be flattered or completely shut me out.

Probably not flattered but will likely think you're being a bit on the obsessive side.
Seems like there is a fine line between obsessive and being tenacious/dedicated. Unfortunately two of my strongest qualities.

ENFPENTP wrote:Thanks, I appreciate the empathy .....are you sure your schizoid??? lol. Seriously, thanks for taking the time to care. People like yourself have helped me through processing the break up.

I was originally dx'd Schizoid PD (which is an umbrella term for a list of bad habits made to cope that people with PD's don't want) and later my therapist realized c-PTSD fit too (which mirrors those traits). I've been in therapy every week for a little over a year and a half. I've knocked out a good chunk but have quite a ways of breaking bad habits to go. Glad to help. ^.^

ENFPENTP wrote:The way our situations are now, I would love to have a "do over", to let her experience the real me. I don't mind the distance or prolonged intervals. I am very busy too so it would work, at least as friends. I just like knowing that she isn't irritated when I text or call her.

anathegram wrote:

naps wrote:not having them around was better than having my life saturated with them

hmm

ENFPENTP wrote:I would probably guess that their oxytocin levels would be quite low.

naps wrote:What?

so do you mean change things up with her or just in general?

anathegram wrote:

ENFPENTP wrote:I would probably guess that their oxytocin levels would be quite low.

That "love hormone" stuff always sounded made up to me, which might imply that you're right.

naps wrote:

ENFPENTP wrote:The way our situations are now, I would love to have a "do over", to let her experience the real me. I don't mind the distance or prolonged intervals. I am very busy too so it would work, at least as friends. I just like knowing that she isn't irritated when I text or call her.

Just remember that you're going to have to do this on her terms.

Whenever I feel pressured by someone to give or show more of myself, I begin to back off. It's an involuntary reaction. I know from experience that once they start pressuring me to open up, there's going to be a snowball effect. The more I give, the more they'll expect.

I often think why can't you be happy with the little bit of me I'm prepared to offer? I know it's frustrating, but if I'm as important to you as you say I am, wouldn't a little bit of me be better than nothing at all?

If you take it slow, don't push her, and don't invade her comfort level, you may find that she'll be willing to give more of herself.

ENFPENTP wrote:Also, what you just said confuses me. The picture I get from all that I've read about SPDers is that they don't miss people. And they don't pine or howl at the moon either. Am I wrong?

Or is it more of an internal process?

Do you feel the intense pain and essentially grief (like I do) when you lose someone close to you/break up?

What is your process? Sometimes I imagine she is having similar feeling of loss, but in her mind our break up was for the best. That she could see the bumps down the road before I did so she she cut her/our losses.

ENFPENTP wrote:Is recurrent dissociation common with a schizoid person? The only reason I ask is because my ex has shown behaviors and said things at times that just seemed odd. Major events in her life that she told me about, but then later, have trouble remembering and would need to see a picture to remember.

ENFPENTP wrote:When I was battling depression several years ago, I refused to seek help. I thought it was weak and I didn't want to accept being "defective". I thought I could will my way through it. It was exhausting. Once i just accepted that my chemistry was out of whack and started medication everything was so much easier.

I have read somewhere that schizoid people often see roles in relationships as dominant or submissive. It's like a preference to be in control of the relationship and the other person falling in line.

And they don't pine or howl at the moon either.

emillionth wrote:

ENFPENTP wrote:Also, what you just said confuses me. The picture I get from all that I've read about SPDers is that they don't miss people. And they don't pine or howl at the moon either. Am I wrong?

The thing is, SPD isn't really a thing. It's just kind of a thing. And I meet the criteria as they currently exist. *shrug*It's a "spectrum", a list of symptoms to consider and everyone is different. I totally get that. I was just trying to get some subjective data.

Or is it more of an internal process?

I can't really picture what else it could be other than an internal process.I probably misspoke. To clarify, someone like myself would seek out multiple external sources (friends, family) for information, opinions and feedback. I would assume that a person with SPD might not be so inclined to seek outside help/keep everything "in house" so to speak.

Do you feel the intense pain and essentially grief (like I do) when you lose someone close to you/break up?

I did. I don't know if it could happen again. Either way it probably won't, because I don't foresee ever having or wanting a partner again.

What is your process? Sometimes I imagine she is having similar feeling of loss, but in her mind our break up was for the best. That she could see the bumps down the road before I did so she she cut her/our losses.

Odds are she's thinking or feeling something completely different than you tend to imagine, but you'll just never know. For what it's worth, that also means she could very well be thinking/feeling exactly what you need to believe she's thinking/feeling.You lost me a little with the second part of your statement. How could she be "thinking/feeling what I need to believe"? I am not understanding this statement. She's reading my mind? lol....at times, I thought she was to be honest. This woman is wickedly smart, sensitive and perceptive.

ENFPENTP wrote:Is recurrent dissociation common with a schizoid person? The only reason I ask is because my ex has shown behaviors and said things at times that just seemed odd. Major events in her life that she told me about, but then later, have trouble remembering and would need to see a picture to remember.

That goes beyond regular SPD territory, and actually makes me inclined to believe that her reservedness has more specific reasons than general personality. Speaking from personal experience, I think those kinds of signs of dissociation are a flaming red flag if someone isn't particularly looking for challenge in a relationship. Not just garden-variety "breaking through her shell" kind of challenge, but more like "perpetually battling demons" kind of challenge.